Joke Thread

[Neo]

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over
to the counter.

The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says,
"Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,
"That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale
this week for $44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he
says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At
first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the
blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please." The
woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was
on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?" He replies, "Yes Madam, the
rod and reel are $44, but the Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is
$3.50."

[Neo]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says,"License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that' s the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[Neo]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic--and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass---and the Priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist but now you are Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.

As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you was raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

[Teuthida]

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he
stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at
her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with
me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much
better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses
it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit
again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this?
Think about your health. Come running with us through the
pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all,
and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit
and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up...
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health!
Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so
good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts
to beat the **** out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him
and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely
trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little ****er makes me run around
the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

[Perfect Stu]

A cop is told by the city that they haven't been seeing enough speeding tickets being paid, so he is told that he has to hand out a ticket this particular day or he's fired.

The cop stations himself on a small highway and waits. The odd car would come by and none were over the speed limit. It was night time and he was starting to get nervous, when this car comes speeding by at 200% the speeding limit. He chases it down, walks up to the car and says to the driver, "I've been waiting for you all day." The driver looks back at him and says, "well I got here as soon as I could."

[Neo]

Cowboy boots


An elderly couple, Rusty and Ester live in Texas. Rusty always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Ester looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Rusty storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Ester looks up and says,

'Rusty, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Rusty yells,

'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Ester?'

'Nope,' she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

To which Ester replies...'Shoulda bought a hat, Rusty. Shoulda bought a hat.

[Neo]

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly.

Pay me a compliment.'


The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'


He never heard the shot....

***************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and

shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!'


The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'


'Doesn't matter,' she said.'Just get the hell out.'

[Angrist]

Are you a feminist Neo?

[Storm Eagle]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

What do you get when you cross an insomniac with a dyslexic with an agnostic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

How do we know that Adam and Eve weren't black?
Ever tried taking a rib from a black guy?

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"Why are you shaking? I'm the one she's going to eat."

What happened when Napoleon went to Mt. Olive?
Popeye got pissed.

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because her man kicked her out.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.

Who makes more money? A drug dealer or a prostitute?
A prostitute. She can always wash her crack and sell it again.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 2,000 people went down on the Titanic.

Lorena Bobbit married a Russian guy. What's her new name now?
Lorena Kutyakokov.

Did you hear about the car accident involving Lorena Bobbitt?
Some dick cut her off.

Did you hear about Michael Jackson canceling out on a court case because of a stomach ache?
He ate a nine-year-old weenie.

[Happydude]

Originally Posted by Angrist

Are you a feminist Neo?

i don't think that's a joke...tsk tsk...

A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for

yourself these days?"

"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.

"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.

"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to

the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her br
east's were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the
organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be
done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up
some green persimmons, and rub them on her chest and maybe they would shrink
in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though
because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't
be able to talk properly for a while.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and
said.......

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon
tewday"




that is all...for now

[Storm Eagle]

Originally Posted by Happydude

i don't think that's a joke...tsk tsk...

Maybe not, but I'd sure to know the answer to that.