Joke Thread

[Neo]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says,"License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that' s the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[Neo]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic--and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass---and the Priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist but now you are Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.

As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you was raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

[Teuthida]

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he
stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at
her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with
me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much
better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses
it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit
again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this?
Think about your health. Come running with us through the
pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all,
and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit
and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up...
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health!
Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so
good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts
to beat the **** out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him
and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely
trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little ****er makes me run around
the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"