Benefits of SARS
> >
> >1. Most Hong Kong government officials look better with masks on.
> >
> >2. Grandfather no longer goes shopping all over town in his pajamas and
> >slippers.
> >
> >3. The guy with bad breath in the office now only poisons himself.
> >
> >4. Elevator-users no longer jab the "door close" button after one
> >nanosecond, but wait for doors to close themselves.
> >
> >5. You don't have to book Macau ferry tickets in advance, even on a
> >Friday night.
> >
> >6. If I wear my surgical mask, shades, hat and latex gloves, no one can
> >tell I am sunburnt.
> >
> >7. No queues at HSBC.
> >
> >8. Frail grandmothers can exit subway train carriages without being
> >knocked over by thoughtless people pushing their way in.
> >
> >9. I can't afford exclusive private schools, but my kids are getting
> >one-on-one attention from teachers.
> >
> >10. Anyone who dares to fly gets a whole row of seats to sleep on in
> >Cathay Pacific economy class.
> >
> >
> >ASK DOCTOR VITTACHI
> >Q and A on SARS
> >
> >By Nury Vittachi
> >
> >
> >Q: I am a flasher and I like to go into the park naked at night and jump
>out
> >and shock people. Do I have to wear a mask?
> >
> >A: Yes, two masks. One up and one down.
> >
> >Q: Is it true that everybody in Hong Kong has been killed by Sars?
> >
> >A: Yes. Everybody. Every single last person. Well, NEARLY everyone. Well,
>
> >okay, 00.000001 per cent, which is damn near everyone.
> >
> >Q: I am a bank robber. I normally wear a mask. Should I switch to a
>surgical
> >one?
> >
> >A: Go for the N-98 Dual Purpose surgical mask. It keeps out the virus
>while
> >effectively concealing your identity. (Several members of the Chinese
> >government have ordered them.)
> >
> >Q: My children will not keep their masks on. What shall I do?
> >
> >A: Put nappies/ diapers on their heads. If they won't co-operate, put
>USED
> >nappies on their heads.
> >
> >Q: Used nappies? Isn't that unhygienic?
> >
> >A: Listen, sister, BREATHING is unhygienic these days.
> >
> >Q: Should schools in Hong Kong be reopened?
> >
> >A: Certainly not. Schools and kindergartens are infested with a
>particularly
> >noxious and highly infectious pestilence, known to us doctors by the
>medical
> >term "children".
> >
> >Q: People keep telling me I should keep calm and not panic. Are they
> >correct?
> >
> >A: Don't listen to such lies. Don't you realize, man, that ON THIS PLANET
>
> >ALONE, several hundred people have died of Sars? If this continues, the
> >entire human rice could be wiped out in less than eight hundred million
> >years! If that's not a reason to panic, I don't know what is!
> >
> >Q: I am the leader of a major Asian city-state hit by the killer virus.
> >People are looking to me for leadership. What should I do?
> >
> >A: I'd buy a passport to Belize pretty sharpish.
> >
> >Q: I live about 13 miles away from a building where a person suspected of
>
> >having Sars may once have visited. How often should I wash my hands?
> >
> >A: Every two minutes. And remember: NEVER go to the toilet. When the rate
>of
> >infection has reached zero for ten days, we can return to our lavatories.
>
> >
> >Q: Someone in my office sneezed yesterday. So I sacked him and then
> >liquidated the company, putting 40,000 people out of work. Did I
>over-react?
> >
> >A: Not at all. I'm calling on governments to re-introduce summary
>execution
> >for situations just like the one you describe.
> >
> >Q: Is it safe to fly in an aircraft these days?
> >
> >A: Absolutely not. These days, medical experts such as myself are
>confined
> >to a lonely row of seats at the back of steerage. I refuse to fly until
>we
> >return to the previous situation, when air stewardesses gave us automatic
>
> >upgrades and sometimes even quickies.
> >
> >Q: Is it true that a 70% alcohol solution kills Sars?
> >
> >A: Yes. You should consume seven to ten units of alcohol a day for
>health,
> >starting at breakfast. It works for me.
> >
> >Q: I have been eating fruit and exercising regularly, but cannot persuade
>my
> >husband to do the same. He just hangs out at the bar of his club all
> >evening.
> >
> >A: You idiot. Fruit contains almost no alcohol. And exercise speeds up
> >breathing, increasing the chances that you will suck in a Sars microbe.
> >Follow your husband's wonderful example before it is too late.
> >
> >Q: Doctor, I think it is fabulous that you remain so calm during these
> >difficult, scary days in Hong Kong. What's your secret?
> >
> >A: I'm writing this by email from Belize. Good luck.
__________________
I write for Cracked. So can you!
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pretty funny...
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