Fanfic: Gerdor, the Region of Evil...

[Angrist]

Remember how Zelda.com had the Stockpot Inn?? Where everybody could write a next chapter to the story that a webmaster had started??

Well, I wrote a chapter. But when I wanted to send it, they stopped the Stockpot Inn.
But I still have the story on my HD.
It's not yet really finished, the chapter is about twice as long, but I haven't typed it yet. The title of the chapter was supposed to be called Gerdor.

Here it goes, tell me what you think!! (especially you Xantar!)

Oh yeah, some other guy made up those teleport gauntlets...



The deserted lands of Gerdor, the Region of Evil. Link looked into the big dark valley which was covered with a thick mist. Although the magic Gauntlets were fortunately able to teleport both Link and Epona, they couldn't bring them closer to Rondard than the edge of the valley. From where he was, sitting on Epona, Link couldn't see much, so he just started walking.
It was cold and windy, and Link shivered. He looked around. He didn't see much vegetation, and the plants he did see were dark-green, almost black. He was glad he had taken enough food for both him and Epona. Although Epona was very strong, she wasn't able to carry all the stuff Link had collected throughout the years. But he had his most important items like the hookshot and his bow and arrows.

Out of the mist, an old building appeared. He halted Epona and inspected it. It was made of stone and wood, and trough a window Link could see it was deserted. He looked around. He had the feeling he was being watched… He looked up. There, on the roof of the building stood a creature looking down on him. It was a grey-blue colored beast, with a thin hairless body and a big mouth. As soon as it saw it was spotted by Link, the creature jumped away, making strange scared noises. Because Link was kind of hoping to get to Rondard unnoticed, he immediately started the pursuit on the animal, so it wouldn't alert it's friends. He galloped around the building and saw the creature was fast. It ran on four legs, and it was too far away to strike it with his sword, so Link grabbed his bow and an arrow. While Link saw they were approaching some more houses, he shot the arrow, and the animal collapsed. Link stopped near the dead body and dismounted. It was an ugly and bony beast, about the size of Link. It had an big mouth with sharp teeth and dark flesh.

Link pulled the arrow out of the carcass , so he could use it again. He walked back to Epona and looked into the direction where the creature was heading. He could hear harsh voices shouting and drums beating...

to be continued...

[Xantar]

I'll post my comments later. I promise. I'm a bit pressed for time right now.

However, just as a preliminary comment, I suggest you hit "Enter" between each of your paragraphs so that they look separated. People will be more willing to read it if you do that.

[Ric]

Cool, you posted it.

I like this story, its good, I feel you should add something to the beginning though, make the story your own now. I want to see more of this, I like it.

[Angrist]

Thanks man.

Yeah, it's pretty weird that it's a new chapter in a story made by Zelda fans... like Ric said I should make it a seperate story.

But this is basicly to test my writing skills.

[Xantar]

Well, here goes my critique. Keep two things in mind here: just because I tell you a lot of things you did wrong or could have done better doesn't mean your chapter was bad. It's just that criticism improves writing better than praise. Also, since your chapter was so short, I can't give you any critiques on plot, character development or anything like that. If you keep posting chapters, I'll be able to help out eventually (or maybe if you wrote 15 page chapters, but not everybody writes like me).

So basically, all I can talk about here is your writing style. Generally, it's pretty good. You clearly show that you can go beyond simple declarative statements (i.e. Link sheathed his sword. He mounted Epona. Then he rode off).

You make some pseudo-grammar errors, however that probably stem from the fact that English isn't your first language. I'm going to quote some examples and tell you what's wrong.

From where he was, sitting on Epona, Link couldn't see much, so he just started walking.

What this sentence is really saying is that Link was sitting on Epona and started walking while still sitting on her. This is clear nonsense, and I don't think anybody was confused about what you really meant. Nonetheless, you should stay consistent. People pick up on mistakes like this even if they don't know it. Instead of saying that Link started walking, say that he urged Epona into a trot or tapped her forward or something like that.

He was glad he had taken enough food for both him and Epona.

"Him" should be "himself."

As soon as it saw it was spotted by Link, the creature jumped away, making strange scared noises.

Instead of saying "As soon as it saw it was spotted" say something like "As soon as it noticed Link staring at it." This is not a hard and fast rule, but you should try to avoid repeating the same pronoun quickly. The two "its" in your sentence are only separated by one word.

Sometimes, it's even better to just avoid repeating the pronoun in the first place. You could say something like, "Realizing it had been spotted by Link, the creature jumped away."

Also, there shouldn't be a comma after "away."

Because Link was kind of hoping to get to Rondard unnoticed, he immediately started the pursuit on the animal, so it wouldn't alert it's friends.

The phrase "kind of" is a colloquialism. That's fine, but the rest of your chapter didn't use colloquialisms. Pick one method of writing or the other and stick with it. Also, there shouldn't be a comma after "animal." And instead of "it's," you should say "its." That is an extremely common mistake. English speakers do it all the time. A message with that mistake is posted on this board at least twice a day. I actually posted a message with that mistake in it once (so you see, I do make typos).

So here's how to tell whether to say "it's" or "its." "It's" is a shortening of "it is." You might use it to say "It's a tornado!" You wouldn't say "Its a tornado!"

"Its" is a possessive pronoun. It's like "his," "her" or "their." So just as you would say "his legs" or "her legs," you could say "its legs."

While Link saw they were approaching some more houses, he shot the arrow, and the animal collapsed.

"While" implies that there is some action taking place over a stretch of time. It doesn't take Link a stretch of time to see that he and the monster are approaching some more houses. So instead of saying "while," say "when."

Link pulled the arrow out of the carcass , so he could use it again. He walked back to Epona and looked into the direction where the creature was heading. He could hear harsh voices shouting and drums beating...

to be continued...

Again, you have a comma where it shouldn't be. Also, people don't "look into" a direction. They "look in" a direction. It's a weird distinction, but "look into" implies that there is something there which Link is looking inside of.

So now that I've provided you with a critique, it's only right that you should read my fanfic and give me a critique.

Just kidding, Angrist. You don't have to read my fanfic. I just couldn't resist the opportunity.

[Angrist]

Thanks Xantar! Great critique!
I see now that I made a few stupid mistakes, but I guess we use a lot more commas in Dutch...

I know/knew the difference between it's and its, but those people here confused me so I made their mistake.

And I think I'll print some of your fanfics soon, when I'm not really busy. I don't like reading things from a screen.

Oh yeah, I know it's pretty short, but Ric thought I could get some doubloons for it anyway... Not sure if I'm gonna continue it, I don't really like writing fanfics, I prefer creating my own story. Or a story in Middle-Earth would be nice...

Another thing, I'm gonna post a thing about Elves/Dwarves/Men, perhaps you could look into it to correct me, it's for school and I could use a good note.