BreakABone blackmailed me into reading a first draft of this chapter. Let's just say he has improved his writing at least 300%.
The style of the writing is excellent overall. There are a couple things I'd change, but they arise mostly from my own personal writing style.
You made one glaring grammar mistake, though:
Quote:
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Yoshi had always occupied Mario on these trips, and he knew where Mario had to go.
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I think you meant to say "accompanied" instead of "occupied."
The amount of detail you include is great. You may want to make mention of the fact that Yoshi is a green dinosaur, but otherwise, there's nothing to complain about.
Overall, a very good introduction. Just remember that later chapters will be held to different standards than the first one. If this had been a middle chapter, I would have liked some more plot, but the way you handled the introduction was just fine. I'm interested to see how you handle the rest of the story (I also read first drafts of BreakABone's next few chapters).
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