"Holy Smokes! You need booze!"

[Rndm_Perfection]

Yep, every good board needs a good Simpsons quote thread.

Anywhere from "Me-by it was a coincidence! ... Why can't we take chances?" to "If you lived here, you'd be home by now!"


Got a good Simpson quote? Post it... but without the character's name. Let's see if any Simpson hard-cores will be able to identify both the classics and forgottens out there (You too Stoney C.).


And to start things off:
"Somebody save the wee turtles! ... Aaack... somebody save me from the wee turtles!"

[GameMaster]

School groundskeeper Willy said that last one I believe.

"Hmm cook for 2 hours at 250 degrees. Nuts to that. I'll just cook it for 20 minutes at 1000 degrees."

[Crono]

Homer reading Mr Burns' messages:

"Here are your messages: you have 30 minutes to move your car"
"You have 10 minutes"
"Your car has been impounded"
"Your car has been crushed into a cube"
"You have 30 minutes to move your cube"
*phone rings*
"Hello, Mr Burns office?"
Burns: "Is it about my cube?"

-----------

Moe taking lie detector test:

Cop: "Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?"
Moe: "No"
*BEEEEP*
Moe "Alright, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him!"
*BING*
Cop: "Checks out, okay sir, you're free to go."
Moe: "Good, bceause I got a hot date tonight."
*BEEP*
Moe: "Dinner with friends."
*BEEP*
Moe: "Dinner alone."
*BEEP*
Moe: "Watching tv alone."
*BEEP*
Moe: "Alright, I'm gonna sit at home and oggle the ladies in a Vicotira Secret Catalogue."
*BEEP*
Moe: "....Sears catalogue."
*BING*
Moe: "Now would you unhook this already please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment."
*BEEP*

[PureEvil]

"I don't get mad, I get stabby."

[BlueFire]

"Grease me up, woman!"

[GameMaster]

Moe and the lie detector test is a classic

[DarkMaster]

Bart: "But dad, I really wanna see the Itchy and Scratchy movie..."
Homer: "I know how you feel boy, when I was a kid I wanted a catchers mit so bad, but my mom wouldnt buy it for me, so I held my breath real hard till I passed out and hit my head on the coffee table.......doctor said I might have brain damage"
Bart: "dad....whats the point of this story?"
Homer: "I like stories"

---------------------------

Lionel Huts (sp?): "Oh great, we got Judge Schnider..."
Marge: "Whats wrong with him?"
Lionel: "Well we've been at opposite ends since I kinda ran over his dog..."
Marge: "You ran over his dog?"
Lionel: "Well, replace kinda with repeatedly, and dog with son..."

Shopkeep: Take this doll, but beware it carries an awful curse.
Homer:That's bad.
Shopkeep:But it comes with a free Frogurt.
Homer:That's good!
Shopkeep:The Frogurt is also cursed:
Homer:That's bad.
Shopkeep:But you get your choice of topping.
Homer:That's good!
Shopkeep:The toppings conatin potassium benzoiate.
Homer:.............................................................................................. .....
Shopkeep:....that's bad.
Homer:...Can I go now?

[Rndm_Perfection]

Heh... I like how he's seen eating the Frogurt as he walks out. Nice quote there, Stoney C.

[Happydude]

all these are so funny...

umm...let's see...i got so many i don't know where to start from...how about

"D'OH!"

"Oh Lisa! You and your stories! Bart is a vampire! Beer kills brain-cells! Now lets go back to that...building...thingy... where our beds and TV...is."

"I'm going to the back seat of my car! And I wont be back for TEN MINUTES!"

ok...those are all from homer

lisa has never said anything funny

now bart...lol

"It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have." (to homer)

"What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them-as is my understanding." <-- love that one

"Don't have a cow, man." <--- CLASSIC!!!

"Eat my shorts!" <--- another CLASSIC!!!

"Good drink, good food, good god, let's eat." (prayer)(sp?)

and some more:

"*BUUUURP*"

"Exellent"

"Okly Dokly"

"heh heh heh"

[Rndm_Perfection]

Bart: "Dad, what's a Muppet?"
Homer: "Well, it's not quite a mop, and not quite a puppet... but maaaa-aaaaan! ... To tell you the truth, I don't really know"


"Can you do me a favor and kill someone on your way out?"



"Well, Scooby Doo can doodoo... but Jimmy Carter is Smarter!"


Frink: Ah, ah, uh, sorry I'm late, there was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying. One of the monkeys stole the glasses off my head... *Episode starts to end* Uh, no wait, please no, please I have a funny story to tell!

... "Professor Frink, Professor Frink... he makes you laugh he makes you think..."



"I bent my Wookie!"



Skinner: I hope you're ready for mouth watering hamburgers!
Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams?
Skinner: Oh no, I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.
Chalmers: You call hamburgers "steamed hams"?
Skinner: Yes. It's a regional dialogue.
Chalmers: Uh.. what region?
Skinner: Aaah. Upstate New York.
Chalmers: Really? Well I'm from Utica and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams".
Skinner: Oh not in Utica, no, it's an Albany expression.
Chalmers: Ah I see. You know these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burgers.
Skinner: Hohohoho. No. Patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipie.
Chalmers: *lifts up a bun* For.. steamed hams.
Skinner: Yes
Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact they are obviously grilled.

...


Lou: Y'know I went to the McDonalds in uh Shelbyville the other day.
Wiggum: The McWhat?
Lou: Uh, the McDonalds restaraunt. I never heard of it either but they have over 2000 locations in this State alone.
Eddie: Hmm. Must have sprung up overnight.
Lou: You know the funniest thing though? It's the little differences.
Wiggum: Example...
Lou: Well at McDonalds you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right, but, they don't call it a "Krusty Burger with cheese".
Wiggum: Get out.. well what do they call it?
Lou: A "Quarter Pounder with cheese".
Wiggum: A "Quarter Pounder with cheese"? Well I can picture the cheese, but... uh. Do they have 'Krusty Partially Gelagnated Non Dairy Gum Based Beverages'?
Lou: MmmHmm, they call them "Shakes".

[Joeiss]

"My cats breath smells like cat food"

Hutz:Oh no, we've drawn judge snyder.
Marge:Is that bad?
Hutz:Well, I kind of ran over his dog with my car.
Marge:Really?
Hutz:Um...well, replace the words "kind of" with the word repeatedly, and "dog" with "son"

Bart: HUH! 99 cents!......
..... I'd like to buy a copy of bonestorm please, here's 99 cents.
CBG:Allow me to summerize the proposed transaction, you wish to puchase bonestorm for 99 cents, net profit to me, negative 59 dollars.
*opens cash register
*bart reaches for money
CBG:uh uh uh, seeing as how we are unfamiler with scarcasm, I shall close the register at this point and state that 99 cents is the rental price.
Bart:Then may I please rent it PLEASE!
CBG: No you may not, we are all out, however we do have a suprizing abundence of Lee Carvalo's Putting Challange.

Homer: When the fire starts to burn, there's a lesson you must learn, something something then you'll see, you'll avoid ca-tas-tro-phe.....D'OH!

Nasa guy: Well homer, I guess you win by default.
Homer: WOO HOO the two sweetest words in the English language DE! FAULT! DE! FAULT! DE! FAULT!

Gillian Anderson: Now Homer, I'm going to hook you up to a lie detector and ask you a series of questions, just answer honestly. Do you understand?
Homer:Yes.
BOOM

[Jewels]

"daddy this tastes like grandma"

"the doctor said i wouldnt have as many nose bleeds if i just kept my finger outta there"

"HA-HA!"

Grandpa: it hurts now but soon the senility will kick in

Skinner: "Willie, better water down this orange drink some more."
Willie: "But sir... I've watered her down as far as she'll go, I cannot water no more!"

Grampa: the year was nineteen-dickity-two. we had to say dickity because the kaiser stole our word twenty. i chased him dickety-two miled before i had to give up.

apu: Thank-you come again!

[Perfect Stu]

Homer:

"Look Marge, how about I take you to an NRA meeting? And if you stiiiill don't think guns are great, we'll argue some more "