Attacked by spiders

[KillerGremlin]

It's funny because I went on a rant about this to BreakABone one night. Unlike you I'm less sympathetic to spiders. They hang out in my bathroom or my bedroom and I maintain that they are the laziest fucking insects on the planet. I have NEVER EVER EVER seen an indoor spider killing a mosquito or doing something productive.

The little mother fuckers like to crawl around when I am my most vulnerable.

Story 1: One night I was using my living room computer which has a big CRT monitor that sits on a desk. It was pitch black in the room except for the monitor. I was playing a game or browsing the web and the spider ran across the monitor scaring the shit out of me. It was a pretty big spider too. So I turned on all the lights to kill the spider. Of course by then the spider had moved BEHIND the big ass CRT so I was trying to reach back there to kill the stupid thing. Then, the spider decided to get behind the desk, so it was wedged between the desk and the wall. Needless to say I spent a good 20 minutes with the lights on waiting for the spider to get into a location where I could squish it.

Story 2: I have a couch and a bed in my room. One night I was masturbating on my couch. Sometimes I'll whack off with just my pants hanging on my legs, sometimes I'll go full nude. This time I was full nude. So I'm sitting on my couch, in the nude, all lotioned up. I had a ton of lotion on my hand and junk, and a big old wad of toilet paper ready to collec teh semenz. Anyway, I look up and yup, there's a big ass spider right above me. I hate spiders but I was all greased up and ready to do my thing so I figured, "eh, fuck it, I'll just finish and then kill the spider." Of course 30 seconds later the spider decides that it wants to descend on my naked body. So it starts stringing a fucking web and coming towards my couch. I guess good thing I had the toilet paper there.

Story 3: During high school I would often wake up at 1 or 2am to take a piss. We have a nightlight in the bathroom so usually I'd just stumble in and do my business. I'm also a guy so I totally do the lean method. The lean method is where you stick out your arm against the wall behind the toilet and you just pee (I usually don't hold my junk when this happens). It's just a groggy, 2am piss. So anyway, I'm taking a leak and I feel something crawl across my foot. I look down and I see this BIG ASS, brown spider running across the floor. I immediately freak out but I can't do anything because I am midstream! So I am comically moving myself away from the spider while keeping the piss aimed in the toilet. So I finish peeing and proceed to turn on the lights. This is a floor spider so my number one fear when squishing it is protecting my bare feat. So I get a wad of tissue and go down to squish the bastard. Of course I miss and it scurries into a corner behind my garbage can. So I lift up the garbage can and go down to squish it. Bullseye! I got it. Except when I lifted up the tissue it was still alive! So it ran towards the bathroom door where the crack is to get out of the bathroom. I proceeded to come down on it with the tissue before it could escape. That was one big ass, nasty spider.

Story 4: Shower spider. This one is pretty self-explanatory. I have a skylight above my shower, and all sorts of insects would chill up there. Shower spider had a habit of descending on his web though. Shower spider was more clever than ceiling spider I killed while masturbating. Shower spider would ascend up its web when you got close to it. This game of cat and mouse must have gone on for a couple of weeks (seriously, how the fuck was shower spider surviving up there)? So for like 4 weeks I took the most paranoid showers ever. Finally, after a couple of weeks I got the stupid thing.


I maintain that spiders exist only to drive me nuts. I don't kill them if I find them outside or in my basement but when they're in my kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, etc. I have no sympathy for them.

This is also why I could never move to Australia or something where they have tarantulas and big ass huntsman spiders. It's bad enough that we get wolf spiders, brown recluses, and the occasional black widow around here.

But seriously, if spiders were so helpful, why do they always hide in the farthest and hardest to reach corner in your house! Arrrgggh!