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This just in, apparently Master Chief has slain Dark Samus!

In lew of recent events, the real Samus landed just a few moments ago and we're receiving reports that she assassinated Master Chief in his red racecar bed. We will have details on these reports. But right now Samus remains at large and is a wanted criminal by the government of Microsoft.

In other news, Link has risen from the debris from the attack of the Colossi, which was being searched by the Sony Rescue and Support Team, who was awkwardly standing there just smoking and chillin'. Link continued to shoot arrows through their heads. Speculation reports that Link is also now a wanted criminal by the government of Sony.