A few jokes I found funny - Page 6

Rndm_Perfection · 05-10-2003, 07:33 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by fingersman
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy. The woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy replys "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Oh, that is classic.

fingersman · 05-10-2003, 07:38 PM

Check this one out.

A diver's twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy, with no equipment, at the same depth. He goes down another twenty feet, and a few minutes later the guy with no equipment is right next to him. He goes down another twenty feet, and a few minutes later, there's the guy again.

He takes out his waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell are you able to stay down this deep without equipment?"
The other guy takes the chalkboard and chalk and writes, "I'm drowning, you ass*ole."

HAHAHHAA

Happydude · 05-11-2003, 12:52 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by fingersman
Check this one out.

A diver's twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy, with no equipment, at the same depth. He goes down another twenty feet, and a few minutes later the guy with no equipment is right next to him. He goes down another twenty feet, and a few minutes later, there's the guy again.

He takes out his waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell are you able to stay down this deep without equipment?"
The other guy takes the chalkboard and chalk and writes, "I'm drowning, you ass*ole."

HAHAHHAA

hahaha that was good...

Jewels · 05-11-2003, 01:28 AM

that was hilarious keep em coming

Seven7 · 05-11-2003, 03:35 AM

Hehe that gave me a few laughs.... keep them coming fingersman.

Shadow_Link · 05-11-2003, 07:02 AM

LOL! Those were hilarious.

fingersman · 05-11-2003, 07:01 PM

Ahh my fans request more!!

This one might be nightmare for any guy.

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a
box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she
said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the
operation."
:eek:

----------------------------------------------------------------

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With
some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently
declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

THIS ONE IS A KILLER

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone
there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else,"
Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who the f*#k's that on the balcony with Dave?"

HAHAHA

Happydude · 05-12-2003, 10:23 AM

lol...pretty funny...

Xantar · 05-12-2003, 07:15 PM

I haven't made up any jokes lately, so I'll just fall back on my tried and tested true stories.

From the Darwin Awards:

Robert, 37, shot himself while explaining gun safety to his wife in Glendale, California, when he placed a .45-caliber pistol he thought was unloaded under his chin and pulled the trigger. Shovestall's wife told police that the incident occurred after her complaints about her husband's 70 guns prompted him to demonstrate their safety.

A 23-year-old bar-brawler who had been escorted out of the Turtle Club in Florida by a bouncer, sneaked back in and leaped off a staircase, aiming a kick at another man, but was killed when he landed on his head.

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet, didn't put enough postage on a letter bomb, and it came back marked "return to sender." He opened the package and was blown away.

Two animal rights activists were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn by freeing a captive herd. Suddenly all two thousand of pigs stampeded through the gate they were opening, and trampled the hapless protesters to death.

News of the Weird reports that in September 1996 a man was crushed to death on a stairway at the Sammis Real Estate and Insurance office in Huntington, N.Y., while he was stealing the office's 600-pound safe. He apparently violated that cardinal rule of hauling massive objects: Never stand on a step lower than the one the safe is on. The safe was empty at the time of the incident.

In San Jose, California, Herman, an avid hunter, used the butt of his shotgun to bash his girlfriend's windshield during an argument. But his loaded gun accidentally discharged into his stomach, killing him and ending the argument.

And some real lawsuits:

A Michigan couple sued the owners of a nearby business claiming that dust, noise and vibrations invaded their property and therefore were trespassing. A jury actually found in their favor, but a Court of Appeals panel overturned the jury's verdict. The Appeals court stated that noise, vibrations and dust are intangible objects and can not be considered as trespassers.

A woman from Grand Haven, Michigan filed a lawsuit for more than $25,000 after she was injured by a firecracker she took from a condominium that she had cleaned. While dining later with friends at a restaurant, the woman lit the firecracker claiming that she mistakenly thought it was a decorative candle. The explosion resulted in severe injuries to the woman. She sued the owners of the condo for leaving the firecracker behind without a warning on it. The condo owners said that they had placed the device, which looks like a "huge firecracker," in a cupboard to keep it away from the children after someone left it at their house after a party.

A woman sued a bowling alley claiming she slipped and fell on an icy pothole which resulted in a disc herniation. She claimed no previous back problems, but her medical records showed numerous lower back problems over the past 10 years, and she was diagnosed with lumbar radiculitis the previous year. Bowling alley league records proved that she completed the remaining 14 WEEKS of the season after the alleged fall. In addition, a meteorologist testified that weather conditions for that day could not have formed ice. A jury determined that the bowling alley was not at fault.

And some real warning labels:

"Do not use massage chair without clothing... and, Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving. "

A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions: “This product not intended for use as a dental drill.”

A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to “Remove child before folding”

A prescription of sleeping pills says, “Warning: May cause drowsiness

A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: “Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.”

A CD player carries this unusual warning: “Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult.”

An “Aim-n-Flame” fireplace lighter cautions, “Do not use near fire, flame or sparks”

A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use “while sleeping or unconscious”

A container of underarm deodorant says, “Caution: Do not spray in eyes”

A cartridge for a laser printer warns, “Do not eat toner”

A household iron warns users: “Never iron clothes while they are being worn”

A label with a hair dryer reads, “Never use hair dryer while sleeping”

A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: “Not intended for highway use”

A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, “Do not drive with sunshield in place”

A Bathroom Heater says: “This product is not to be used in bathrooms”

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: “May irritate eyes”

A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.”

A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: “Caution - Risk of Fire”

A box of birthday cake candles says: “DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.”

Shadow_Link · 05-22-2003, 11:00 AM

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!".

GameMaster · 05-23-2003, 03:30 AM

So, what does the stamp collector do?

BreakABone · 05-24-2003, 09:54 AM

Well here are some dumb jokes, but eh

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came
home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was
jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up
and down with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up
and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told
her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have
TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked
her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought
the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"

-------______------_____

GIRL'S DIARY

FRIDAY 21st June 2002.

Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit
late
so I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so
I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued
and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed,
and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I
was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back
home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but
followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he
just half
shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of
silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him
and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad
sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was
surprised when
we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold,
and started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had
found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep.

BOY'S DIARY

FRIDAY 21st June 2002.

England lost to Brazil 2-1. Got a shag though.

Canyarion · 09-15-2004, 06:21 AM

Is that Gimpy??? :eek:

Canyarion · 03-29-2005, 11:45 AM

Probably posted before, but I found it again:

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

KillerGremlin · 03-29-2005, 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fingersman

THIS ONE IS A KILLER

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone
there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else,"
Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who the f*#k's that on the balcony with Dave?"

HAHAHA

Ahahahaha, oh man, that's f*cking gold. I laughed my ass off.

+rep