A few jokes I found funny

[GameMaster]

Originally posted by Ice006
I have a piece of advice that I came up with on the train (I think I came up with it anyway...), which is both funny, yet useful.

Just because someone is wearing headphones, it doesn't mean they can't smell your farts.

[GameMaster]

A Crappy Date (A True Story)

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College._ For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to_ Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.

Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.

They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the_ rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.

He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.

Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.

"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.

Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl:_ "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

Wonder what happened after that

[fingersman]

Originally posted by sdtPikachu
Not exactly a joke, but I laughed my donkey off.

You'll need quicktime or some other MP4 compatible video player to watch it.

LOL
That was hilarious.....hhahahahahhahahha
Everyone DL this stuff...unless you like S. Street

[Ice006]

A true story you say GameMaster? Man, I feel real sorry for the guy... I get it now "A Crappy Date!" heh heh...

[Jason1]

Oh man...OH MAN GAMEMASTER....

I really feel sorry for that guy...what did he do? What could he do?

[Xantar]

My roommate tells me that he heard a similar story. The difference is that he spent all his time at the restaurant trying to think of an excuse. After racking his brain for a long time, he suddenly slammed his hand on the table, stood up and then yelled, "Someone put sh!t in my pants!"

[Ice006]

Shít on the seat would have been a much better excuse... but each to their own...

[GameMaster]

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

[Angrist]

[Jason1]

Another good one GameMaster, although I think I have heard it somethere before.

[Shadow_Link]

Just had to resurrect this thread again.

[GameMaster]

What did Harry Potter say when he saw Hermione for the first time?

"Boy, I'd sure love to shove my Sorcerer's Stone into her Chamber of Secrets."

Duh duh ding!

[The Germanator]

Ok...so two muffins are in the oven and the first muffin says to the second, "hey man, it's really hot in here!". So the second muffin turns to the other muffin and says, "Holy ****, a talking muffin!"

...

[fingersman]

The master of jokes returns


A man staggers into an A&E with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Concerned the doctor asks whats happened. "Well, it was like this" begins the man, " I was having a quiest round of golf with the wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something small and white in its backside. I walked over, lifted its tail and sure enough, there was the wife's golf ball lodged right in the middle of its arse...and thats when I made my mistake"
"What did you do?" asks the doc.
"I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife: 'Hey ! This looks like yours!"
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How to have sex when your little brothers around

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high
school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room
with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for
a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices
that his little brother is already asleep on the lower
bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top
bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you
guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!


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True Story


An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her
shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the
top of her voice, I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the
car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like
mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping
bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so
shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and
tried and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale
white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described
as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a
large handgun. No charges were filed.
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A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy. The woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy replys "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf

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Got tons more where they came from but I'll let someone else post jokes for now.

[Rndm_Perfection]

Originally posted by The Germanator
Ok...so two muffins are in the oven and the first muffin says to the second, "hey man, it's really hot in here!". So the second muffin turns to the other muffin and says, "Holy ****, a talking muffin!"

...

... heheh... simple pleasures.