Help Darren create a stand up comedy set!

[DarrenMcLeod]

Alright, so there's a Canadian TV Show called Corner Gas holding an online stand up comedy contest. I've decided to try my hand at it, as the prizes are nice and nobody on the site is funny. Now, before I submit, I have to make sure that I'm funny. Tell me which jokes work, which don't, and any tweaks or add-on jokes you'd make to the following to really boost it up. It'd be much appreciated.

Website for contest is http://www.cornergas.ca/comicgenius

Contest ends sunday, so I gotta hurry my ass up. I need two minutes of solid material...

SET SO FAR:

I have a friend who's a mime.
He's going through relationship troubles.
But he doesn't want to talk about it.

My older brother always says I was adopted. So I just say "Shut up... Pablo".

I have asthma, which sucks, because I always wanted to be a trombone player

I just celebrated my 19th birthday. As a present to myself I decided to spend $40 and see some naked ladies. Turns out it was just some middle aged guys playing music.

I kept trying to tell my dad I had laryngitis; he kept telling me to speak up.

I hate when people say "it's freezing out here"
Usually what I do is grab a glass of water, and start pouring it out.
once it splashes on the ground and retains it's liquid form,
I say "I guess not!"

Before I die, I want to be a knight, like so many acclaimed musicians.
Like Sir Paul McCartney
Sir Elton John, or [Pause]
Sir Mixalot.

I love when people write me angry emails. It's like they're saying "I'm mad, but not mad enough to pick up the telephone."

Do atheists make snow angels?

Lastly, I think everyone misinterpreted that rap song by NWA.
When they said "Eff the Police", they weren't mad at the cops.
They just really don't appreciate Sting's music.

[DeathsHand]

I'm sorry... There's... Nothing I can do...

It's in God's hands now...

[Typhoid]

I didnt think the Bertuzzi stuff was funny at all, to be honest.

Maybe its because I'm a Canucks fan, or maybe because the whole Bertuzzi thing has been talked about to death.

I will let you know, hoever, I actually laughed out loud at the majority of those, aside from the Bertuzzi thing, and the gay thing.



EDIT:


If you're ever in front of a crowd, and right after they laugh at the first joke, or the first joke they laugh at (in some cases) just sincierly say "Thank you...I'm not used to getting laughed at, with my pants on." and then quickly move to the next joke.

Remember, with stand up comedy, self humiliation in any form usually gets the most laughs.

And I was actually going to enter to this, because Stand Up is something I want to do, because I figure I'm a lazy bum as it is, why not just add it to my resume.

[DarrenMcLeod]

bertuzzi thing is probably going to be taken out. this american friend of mine who is an amateur stand up helped me write it and loved it. i wasn't too keen on it but he insisted it was a must have.

since it's an online video, there are no laughs or anything... it's just a voice which is awkward.

Thanks for the help, Typhoid.

EDIT: took bertuzzi and gay thing out.

[Typhoid]

Originally Posted by DarrenMcLeod

Thanks for the help, Typhoid.

*Marks this day down on the calendar*




And its just a voice? Awkward.

I would have to say I liked the one about the water freezing the best.

But thats only because in my head, I said it like Mitch Hedberg. Which is how I deliver all my stand up, because that way of speaking somehow makes it funnier.

[DarrenMcLeod]

thanks, Typh.

[Bond]

You know, I honestly found none of that funny. I think the best humor is spontaneous, spur of the moment. I'm not really sure what kind of event this is? If it is written jokes or actual stand up comedy in front of a live audience? But if I was you I'd just get up there and start talking about whatever is on your mind and somehow find a way to make it funny. One way or another the audience will eventually find it funny and you just roll on from there.

[DarrenMcLeod]

I'll have to look into him.

My style reminds me of Demetri Martin.