http://www.suburbanchicagonews.com/b...p/a11naked.htm
A naked, hairy and very much Hispanic man has been wandering the halls of my High School. No one is sure what his motive is, or why he does not have pants. The school administration has naturally, blown the whole ordeal out of proportion. Despite the fact that our Hispanic friend has yet to rape anybody, start jacking off vigorously, or asking a little girl to massage his dong, the school is taking steps towards finding this guy, and bringing him down. Now, I think this is disturbing, and I do want to see this guy arrested, but I don't think the school needs to treat the whole situation like a bomb threat.
Still, with all the vandalism and detention time, I feel that I owe my school district several thousand dollars. Although I am not really for blowing everything out of proportion, I have decided to help my fellow classmates, my fellow men, and I have constructed a guide that I think could be beneficial to the students of Neuqua Valley High School.
I will submit this guide, minus my name, to the school staff tomorrow. Maybe it'll get posted, maybe it will get a reaction, and maybe it won't. Regardless, I'll make a few copies: woot for the multiple print option in the print screen.
"Jon's Guide To Protecting Yourself From Naked Hairy Hispanic Men"
1. Do not bend over. Ever. Leave the soap on the ground. Pencils are cheap. It's just not worth it.
2. Do not wear a sombrero. The sombrero is the Hispanic mating hat. The last thing you want is a naked Hispanic man chasing after you.
3. Do not participate in gym. Forget that there are 50 other people in the locker room with you. You have strength in numbers, but no one wants to tackle a naked, hairy Hispanic man.
4. Do not go within a square mile radius of Neuqua on Sunday. Naked Hispanics often travel in packs, and the average clothed non-hairy, non-Hispanic will easily be run down.
5. Do not vote for Pedro. Pedro is Hispanic, and therefore has the potential to walk around your school, naked.
6. Do not wall slide. You can wall slide in modern video games like Super Mario 64. Wall sliding involves pressing ones body up to a wall and sliding. And even though wall sliding has no practical use in the real world whatsoever, don't do it. (Unless you enjoy becoming the sandwich filling.)
7. "No goce del orgasmo que el hombre hispánico melenudo le da."
8. Do not discuss the ordeal in Spanish. Your Spanish teacher will start talking about naked penguins, the "motherland," and she might throw dirty tacos at you. No one likes dirty tacos.
9. Wear garlic around your neck. Everyone knows that vampires and Hispanics hate the smell of garlic.
10. Throw away all your Meixcan Ranchero music. The accordion will attract a naked Hispanic man like a Grade School will attract Michael Jackson.
11. Carry your anti-rapist stick wherever you go. Everyone knows that all naked hairy Hispanics are rapists.
12. Wear body armor, carry an assault rifle, and make sure to have at least two flash bangs with you at all times. Make defending yourself as close to Counter-Strike as possible. Always aim for the head.
13. Invest in pogo-stick stock. I'm not sure how that will help you, but pogo-sticks kick ass.
14. Stop wearing your Mexico City Sanchezes sports attire. Everyone likes a good Sanchez, but that is no way to avoid a naked hairy Hispanic.
15. Overreact in EVERY way possible. If you see the naked man or someone that resembles a naked man, call the Naperville Police, the FBI, the CIA and the Tabloids. "Hispanic Alien From Outer Space Invades Local School, Naked."
16. Convert to Judaism. I have never seen a Hispanic Jew.
17. Make your house, your car, and other areas that you spend time in airtight. Nevermind that you need air to live or that our hairy Hispanic friend prefers to wander the halls of High Schools naked. Just remember to suffocate from lack of oxygen in an airtight coffin. Necrophilia runs rampant in the city of Hispanica.
18. Learn how to fly. This way, if a hairy naked Hispanic ever confronts you, you will have a means of escape. (Also consider harnessing the power of The Force.)
19. Remove all Hispanic channels from your channel presets. Even though most Hispanic channels are superior to the reality TV crap that plays on all 98 other non-Hispanic channels, Hispanic TV is the devil. Who knows, you might see a naked hairy Hispanic on the Hispanic channel.
20. Finally, if all else fails, barricade yourself in a lead box cased with a Kryptonite coating. Don't go to school, and don't go outside. Naked hairy Hispanics are worse then Cancer, Anthrax, Terrorists and Dogma combined.
Jon's Guide To Protecting Yourself
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