Battle Royale Part2

[Dylflon]

The Game rides blind folded in the back of one of the trucks. It seemed like they'd been driving for hours. The truck makes a stop as someone gets dropped off. After 5 more minutes of driving, The Game feels a hand grab him by the ankle. The person who has him drags him out the back of the truck. He hits the ground hard.

A gruff voice says, "Take off the blindfold."

The Game does as he is told. He sees a soldier standing in front of him. The soldier grabs his bag and throws it at the game. The soldier gets into the passenger seat of the truck and the truck drives away.

The Game finds himself in a forest on the small path that the truck brought him there on. He immediately opens his bag to fin his map, medical supplies, rations and flashlight. He looks a little further in and sees his weapon.

"A revolver! Oh thank god."

The gun was already loaded and came with a little box with six additional bullets inside.

Echoes of gun shots rip through the air. The Game looks up. The killing has already begun.

Then he hears a twig snap. The Game turns around and points his gun.
He sees BlueFire. BlueFire waves.

BlueFire says, "Hey Game!"

"Come on over."

"I'm glad I found somebody."

"What do you have?"

"Baretta, you?"

"Revolver"

"Looks like we did pretty well then."

More gunshots ring through the air.

"What should we do then?" asks The Game.

"I suppose we should start moving."

Together they start following the dirt road.

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Jonbo gets dropped off by his truck. He pulls a Desert Eagle from his bag. A smile creaps across his face.

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happydude666 starts walking. He got 5 grenades as his weapon. We wanders aimlessly for a while until someone jumps at him from behind. ZebraRampage has tackled him down. Zebra starts punching happydude in the face. Happydude kicks him off. He gets up, grabs Zebra, puts one of his grenades gown his shirt and runs. Zebra tries frantically to grab it but it goes off. happydude laughs to himself and checks for Zebra's weapon. He pulls out a light. happydude pockets it.

As he starts to stand up he gets punched in the back of the head. Joeiss jumps on top of him and starts wailing on happydude. happydude scrambles away and throws two grenades. they both go nowhere near Joeiss. Joeiss pulls out his weapon; a pot lid. Joeiss beats happydude to death. He picks up the grenades and lighter and walks away very satisfied with himself.

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THRILLHO paws frantically through his bag to find that his weapon is poison. He looks at the little container the pills came in.

"I'll never play their damn game."

He pops two pills in his mouth and slumps over dead.

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Dylflon checks the small tracker in his hand. He sees a blip moving towards him. It's Yoda. Dylflon waves to Yoda. Yoda waves back.

Yoda approaches holding a sledge hammer and says, "What did you get?"

"Tracker."

"Oh. That's a great weapon! Give it to me."

"What?"

Yoda swings at Dylflon and hits him hard in the left arm. Dylflon's left arm is broken. Yoda swings again. Dylflon grabs the handle of the sledge hammer and kicks Yoda down. Dylflon brings it down hard on Yoda's head.

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People killed in first 2 hours

Jason1 killed by Knux
Mechadragon killed by Hero2
Yoda9864 killed by Dylflon
ZebraRampage killed by happydude666
happydude666 killed by Joeiss
THRILLHO commits suicide
23 left to go

[GameMaster]

I'd like to know how those people met up and how one killd the other. Was it a struggle? A sneak attack? A sacrafise? A suicide?

[Dylflon]

Originally Posted by GameMaster

I'd like to know how those people met up and how one killd the other. Was it a struggle? A sneak attack? A sacrafise? A suicide?

I just chronicled the most exciting battle.

[GameMaster]

Perfect. Thanks for recounting that.

[Ginkasa]

It would be much better if you could simply write these really short "parts" together, and release them at once. Chapters this small really detract from the story.

Also, don't just list a bunch of people who have died in the end. There's no point of having those characters if we don't even meet them before they die. Show each and every death in the story.


*shrugs and walks away*

[Dylflon]

Originally Posted by Ginkasa

It would be much better if you could simply write these really short "parts" together, and release them at once. Chapters this small really detract from the story.

Also, don't just list a bunch of people who have died in the end. There's no point of having those characters if we don't even meet them before they die. Show each and every death in the story.


*shrugs and walks away*

That would take a long time to write.

I don't show them all because I focus on certain main characters each time. There should be an element of mystery as to how the characters act and what weapons they have. I'd like this information to be presented as the story unfolds.

[Ginkasa]

So what if it takes a long time to write? As the writer of this story, you shouldn't be trying to pump them out as quick as possible. You should instead be trying to make them as good as they can be, and if it takes more than a hour (better yet, a week or more!) to get a chapter out to do it, so be it.

I would rather read a very well written and entertaining story that has a month or two wait between each chapter rather than a medicoire at best story with short chapters with a one or two hour wait between them.

Xantar's a very good example of this. He takes forever sometimes to get the new chapter of his fanfic out, but it can almost be guaranteed that the chapter is going to be a very entertaining read and with a very well developed story and characters.

Next thing...

If you're going to kill off a character before we even meet him, what's the point of having the character? I don't get any mystery from not seeing some character being killed. All I get is disappointment.

So far, this has been pretty disappointing. Spend more time on each chapter, develop it more, show more characters.


*shrugs and walks away*

[Dylflon]

Originally Posted by Ginkasa

So what if it takes a long time to write? As the writer of this story, you shouldn't be trying to pump them out as quick as possible. You should instead be trying to make them as good as they can be, and if it takes more than a hour (better yet, a week or more!) to get a chapter out to do it, so be it.

I would rather read a very well written and entertaining story that has a month or two wait between each chapter rather than a medicoire at best story with short chapters with a one or two hour wait between them.

Xantar's a very good example of this. He takes forever sometimes to get the new chapter of his fanfic out, but it can almost be guaranteed that the chapter is going to be a very entertaining read and with a very well developed story and characters.

Next thing...

If you're going to kill off a character before we even meet him, what's the point of having the character? I don't get any mystery from not seeing some character being killed. All I get is disappointment.

So far, this has been pretty disappointing. Spend more time on each chapter, develop it more, show more characters.


*shrugs and walks away*

You haven't seen Battle Royale (the movie this story is based on) have you?

It focuses on some key players and follows them. A lot of the time you don't know how the people die. It just happens.

This is just the beginning. I need to weed out some people and get central characters and events happening. I just needed to thin the numbers quickly.

I have some chief pro and antagonists that were involved in the event I didn't show. Let the events unfold. But for you, I will chronicle the other things that happened. For you.

[Dylflon]

There. I've added more.

[Vampyr]

Very good so far, Dyflon.

You are very good at creating suspense, and the fact that I could die at any moment makes it even more supsenseful. I think what your story need is more adjectives. Was happydude666's nose erupting with blood? Adjectives are one of most important things in writing a story.

I consider myself a writer, so this isnt bad criticism. If you like to write a lot, than you know that criticism is the best thing in the world, it can make a story flawless. Also, maybe you should try to write one really good story ever one or two days.

BTW, have you ever read a short story called "The Most Dangerous Game" its a lot like this, and very good.

[Dylflon]

Originally Posted by Vampyr

Very good so far, Dyflon.

You are very good at creating suspense, and the fact that I could die at any moment makes it even more supsenseful. I think what your story need is more adjectives. Was happydude666's nose erupting with blood? Adjectives are one of most important things in writing a story.

I consider myself a writer, so this isnt bad criticism. If you like to write a lot, than you know that criticism is the best thing in the world, it can make a story flawless. Also, maybe you should try to write one really good story ever one or two days.

BTW, have you ever read a short story called "The Most Dangerous Game" its a lot like this, and very good.

Thanks for the feedback! I'll go into gory detail next time!

[Professor S]

Originally Posted by Ginkasa

So what if it takes a long time to write? As the writer of this story, you shouldn't be trying to pump them out as quick as possible. You should instead be trying to make them as good as they can be, and if it takes more than a hour (better yet, a week or more!) to get a chapter out to do it, so be it.

I would rather read a very well written and entertaining story that has a month or two wait between each chapter rather than a medicoire at best story with short chapters with a one or two hour wait between them.

Xantar's a very good example of this. He takes forever sometimes to get the new chapter of his fanfic out, but it can almost be guaranteed that the chapter is going to be a very entertaining read and with a very well developed story and characters.

Next thing...

If you're going to kill off a character before we even meet him, what's the point of having the character? I don't get any mystery from not seeing some character being killed. All I get is disappointment.

So far, this has been pretty disappointing. Spend more time on each chapter, develop it more, show more characters.


*shrugs and walks away*

I think you're thinking a little too hard about this story. Its not meant to be War and Peace. Just sit back and enjoy as you see who you get to kill and then who kills you. Then talk **** on those you killed.

[Dylflon]

Thanks. Yeah and it will be more focused on story soon. It's really one of those stories where it's hard to put yourself in that situation. With this story it's like Could you kill your best friend?

Now people have to come to terms wit hwhat they have done.

Some can't cope with it and feel terrible even though they fight in self defense. Others will kill with no remorse. And some play for fun ie. Orangeboy. So as the killing goes on people have to live with what they've done and come to terms with the fact that they have to kill to survive.

[Yoda9864]

Dylflon you ****, you invite me to play personally, and then you kill me in the first round.

I'm very disappointed by this just because I was killed in the first round .












-rep j/k

[Dylflon]

Originally Posted by Yoda9864

Dylflon you ****, you invite me to play personally, and then you kill me in the first round.

I'm very disappointed by this just because I was killed in the first round .

People had to die in the first round. And in all fairness, you tried to kill me.