The Real War On Terrorism

[KillerGremlin]

The United States of America is country numero uno. George Bush and friends collect those hard earned dollars you made working at McDonalds, and he spends them however he pleases. Taxes are a joke to help the government pay for silly things like the hover car of the future, Area 51, and the War On Terrorism. Of course, we tax payers all know that Bin Laden doesn’t live in anyone’s basement, and that any major terrorist organization would only attack a large skyscraper full of millions of lawyers, and who the hell really needs lawyers anyway? I mean, it’s not like every single person in America doesn’t have a lawyer already. You see, there are Billions of dollars going towards unnecessary things, like armor for our soldiers, and Bill Clinton’s private porn collection. We, as the number one country really need to consider the real Terrorist here: Wiping our own asses.

Humans have been wiping their own asses for just about ever. The caveman discovered the joy of putting his hand in his ass before he discovered the joy of fire. Humans were compelled to remove fecal-berries from the forest that brews between the two large mounds that comprise the ass cheeks. Even great geniuses like Einstein and Beethoven wiped their own asses. Between composing symphonies, Beethoven was putting his hand in his ass. However, during the early 1800’s, after a bunch of fa*got-colonists broke away from the fa*got-tea-drinking-motherland, and those fa*got colonists had their slightly less fa*goty children, someone decided that putting your hand in your ass is not the best way to go about cleaning fecal matter up. Along came a great man, Samuel Adams, who was drunk, and decided to use a leaf to wipe his ass instead of his hand. The trend continued, and famous faces of the time, Ben Franklin, Jesus the 5th, and Bob Dole all started using various objects to wipe their asses with. Some preferred wooden logs; others preferred softer more delicate tissues, like fabric.

Eventually, it became a standard to wipe the ass with a tissue called toilet paper. Toilet paper is really an amazing thing, it burns quickly, it smells good, and you can leave ejaculatory fluids in it. However, the main purpose of toilet paper has always been to wipe the ass. Toilet paper has been in use for a while: famous people like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ron Howard and even not-so-famous people like Matt Damon wipe their asses with Toilet paper. It’s pretty amazing.

However, we, the United States, have, or at least should have, higher standards then all the other crappy countries out there. You see, the real terrorists of America are our assholes, and their dirtiness. It’s amazing how dirty something that relieves our bowls can become, and it’s appalling that that isn’t the number one terrorist on our list of terrorists. Instead of spending billions of tax-payer dollars on silly things like tsunami relief funds, and wars on terror, let us put our money together, and get 3 bedays installed in every bathroom of America! Now instead of wiping our ass, we will have a computerized toilet squirt water at our anus-hole to remove all the disgusting things that get stuck in there! Because, let’s face it, having to wipe your own ass is for monkeys and third world countries, and we are superior to both.

And I quotith the Bible:

John 19: 6-12

And John said to thee, Luke, thou shalst not wipeth thy own ass. For that is for the peasants. And Luke said to John, may the lord almighty bless the peasants soul.

[Typhoid]

Oh dear God!!!

[Professor S]

That might be the worst failure at politically relevant humor I've ever heard. You went for Al Franken and ended up with a garbled nonsensical mess. You see, for poltical humor to wqork, you need to have a point. I don't see yours.

[Swan]

Bravo sir, Brav-frieking-O.

I wonder, what does a bidei feel like? I have been having trouble with reaching my maximum cleanliness in said orifice.

[Dylflon]

I also did not see a point.


By the bye, Al Franken kicks ass.

[Teuthida]

I'm too cheap for a beday so opted for the Triple Aggressor Super Soaker, the most powerful watergun legally available. Never has my ass been so clean and free of skin and nerve endings.

[Professor S]

Originally Posted by Dylflon

By the bye, Al Franken kicks ass.

Al Franken is good when he sticks to comedy. When he actually tries to be straight political he comes off more as a raving loon. Did you ever see him on his infamous Crossfire appearance? I've never seen anything so unintentionally hilarious in my life. Janine Garofolo falls into this category also. I do like Marc Maron, though, but then again I've never heard him try and be a straight political analyst.

[Xantar]

It's all about Jon Stewart. Now there was a man who had a kickass Crossfire appearance. Oh by the way, he's liberal, but that wasn't the point of his appearance on Crossfire, just in case you were about to clam up your closed little mind at even the slightest mention of the "L" word.

[Dylflon]

Originally Posted by The Strangler

Al Franken is good when he sticks to comedy. When he actually tries to be straight political he comes off more as a raving loon. Did you ever see him on his infamous Crossfire appearance? I've never seen anything so unintentionally hilarious in my life. Janine Garofolo falls into this category also. I do like Marc Maron, though, but then again I've never heard him try and be a straight political analyst.

Couldn't agree more.

Al Franken's books provide hours of amusement but I can only feign interest when he gets up on the proverbial soap box and gives the evils of our society a lashing with his tongue. Not that I don't think he's capable of forming valid political points, I just like him better when he's making me laugh rather than trying to invoke political fervor in me which has not been a living entity in my concious being for quite some time.

[KillerGremlin]

There wasn't much politics fueling that little diddy. I let go a number 2, and felt compelled to ramble on in a nonsensical matter about how I have to wipe my ass. You can interpret the post however you want, but I rarely attempt to take a stab at serious, competent political humor, because most competent political humor sucks.

[Typhoid]

I dont think they would ever do that...Think about it.

That school somewhere had crossdressing day, and that got cancelled because, well, it promoted crossressing...So if you had a Biday in every bathroom shooting water up your ass, you would have countless people complaining and saying it promotes Homosexuality.