[Vampyr]

I wrote two poems/songs in the past couple days. I want you guys to critique them:

Lacerated

You sold me your heart,
You sold me your soul,
You sold me your smile,
You sold me your dreams,
In a ten dollar wine bottle-
-In a ten dollar wine bottle...

There are lacerations in your smile,
There are lacerations on your face,
There are lacerations in your soul.
And they bleed...
Snow drop pearls of guilt,
Flooding your ravine of sorrow and silt.

I'm the lacerator of your body,
The hemmorage of your heart.
I punctured your body,
let the blood trickle down.
Cutting out your innocence,
Lacerating your insides.

And now you're lacerated!
You bit the bullet,
Felt the pain,
And watched as passion reaped its gain.-
And now you're laserated!

I sold you my heart,
I sold you my soul,
I sold you my smile,
In a ten dollar wine bottle.-
-In a ten dollar wine bottle.

There are lacerations in my smile,
There are lacerations on my face,
There are lacerations in my soul.
And they bleed...
Smoke cinder drops of rain,
Flooding my ravine of pleasure and flame.

You're the lacerator of my body,
The anurism of my mind.
Thrusting my body,
Let the fluid trickle out.
Pumping away my innocence,
Lacerating my outsides.

And now I'm lacerated!
I bit the bullet,
Felt the pain,
And watched as passion reaped it's gain.
And now I'm lacerated.



48 Months

Adulthood is creeping at your door,
And I can't stand these thoughts any more.
Despite my fear,
The good-bye flames are going to burn you away from here.

And I sang:
How will you change?
Will you have forgotten the pain,
After spending four long years in the rain,
Will you still be the same?

Will you remember me,
When I'm lost in your web of memories?

Will I become that lost warrior of your heart,
as the salty waves wash by,
and push us oceans apart?

When you see the stars,
Will they still remind you of me?
Or will I be burnt
Into your invisible scars?

How will you change?
Will you have forgotten the pain,
After spending four long years in the rain,
Will you still be the same?

Will you still know me,
If I clipped both my wings?
Will you still call me a friend,
If you find me lying broken at the end?




Any suggestions?