A few jokes I found funny
 

Well a few jokes I got in my email
Hope you guys enjoy

A married couple is driving (55m/h) down the interstate. The wife
looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases to 60m/h.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up to 70 m/h.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving
faster and faster, speeding to 80 m/h.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer towards a bridge, as she says,
"Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 m/h, "I've
got the airbag!"


A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the
opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window
and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells,
"B!T#H!!"
They each continue on their way and as the man rounds the next curve, he
crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
If only
men would listen.


A heart-warming story of the advances of women in achieving equality
Through out the world....

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years
before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said: "This is marvelous.
Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?
"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

Man, the first one was great :lol:

heh heh.....land mines.....

here's a joke:

A Canadian guy is walking down the street with a case of beer. His friend, Doug, walks up to him and says: "Hey Bob, what'd ya get that beer for eh?" and then Bob says: "Oh, I got it for my wife..." and then Doug says "Pretty good trade"

;)

Hehehe

That was a nice one.
I think I'll post a few more jokes later.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

good ones...

I got one.. its really racist though.. so if you find it offensive.. umm... just rearrange the races to your choice ;)

A Canadian guy, A Italian guy, A Pakistani guy, and a Chinese guy are on a boat which begins to sink due to being over weight..

quickly.. the Italian guy starts throwing all of his pasta off the boat.. at this everyone looks at him and asks "why are you throwing the lasagna off the boat?!"

he responds "itsa ok-a! i have got-a lots-a pasta back-a home!"

at this the chinese guy starts throwing sacks of rice off the boat... at this everyone looks at him and asks "why are you throwing all the rice off the boat!?!"

he responds "its ok. lots of rice back home. no need."

at this the pakistani guy starts throwing all his curry off the boat... everyone looks at him and asks "we dont have much food left. why are you throwing that off the boat?!"

he responds "its ok. lots of curry back at home. dont worry"

at this the canadian guy throws the paki guy off the boat. everyone looks at him and asks "why did you throw him off the boat?"

he responds "its ok.. we have enough of them back home..."

LOL, nice one, ghetto... :p

Shucks I was going to post a joke just like that.
*goes to find more jokes*

ohh, ohh, ohhh...i got one...racist a little though...


An american, a canadian, and a chinese guy meet up at the CN Tower...the american tells the canadian and the chinese that whenever he goes to the top of the tower, there is some sort of magic that allows him to fly. the canadian and the chinese didn't beleive him, and asked for him to show him.

they all went up to the top of the tower, and the american jumped, a few seconds later he flew back up. the chinese said "WHOA! let me try!". he then jumped off, and a few seconds later they heard a "SPLAT". the canadian then tells the american..."You really are a jerk, Superman!" :D


i kinda forgot it...but thats about how it goes...:unsure:

Lol. The one about the divorce, and Kuwait were great! :lol:

Here's one I remember, but it's pretty old...

There were 5 passengers on a plane about to crash in the Pacific. The passengers were Hillary Clinton, The Pope, Kobe Bryant, George Bush, and a boyscout. There was enough time to escape, but the problem was that there were only 4 parachutes.

Kobe Bryant said, "I'm famous and the city of Los Angeles is depending on me to make 3 pointers." So Kobe took the first parachute and jumped off.

Next George Bush said, "I would give it up, but I'm the president and I have to lead a nation." Soon George got the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

Afterwards Hillary Clinton grabbed one and said, "I'm more important than you guys, because I'm the former first lady, now a senator, and also the smartest women on earth!" She jumped out of the plane laughing at the 2 others.

Now only The Pope and the boyscout were left. The pope said, "I'm an old man and since I'm a Christian, it's my duty to give it to you."

"You don't need to stay onboard, the boyscout said, the smartest women on earth just took my backpack."

:D:D Never heard that one! :D

I have some good ones... I'm just not sure if I can tell them in English... I'll try though... no wait, I'll look for it on the internet.
This will have to do for the moment:

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and decided to go shopping with her friend and rival, Christina Aguilera. A few hours later she came out and realizes she had locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do.
Finally, Britney looked off into the distance and saw storm cloud. She turned to her friend and said," Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the top open!"

Here's another one I found extremely funny.


A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After some more to drink he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, "you must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!"

And the husband returned "actually I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had a whale of a time"


:D

Oh yeah the next one is a bit one a riddle....hehehehehe...I wonder how people will understand this one.

Many many years ago

when I was twenty three,

I got married to a widow

who was pretty as could be.



This widow had a grown-up daughter

who had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,

and soon the two were wed.



This made my dad my son-in-law

And changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,

For she was my father's wife.



To complicate the matters worse,

Although it brought me joy,

I soon became the father

Of a bouncing baby boy.



My little baby then became

A brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,

Though it made me very sad.



For if he was my uncle,


Then that also made him brother

To the widow's grown-up daughter

Who, of course, was my step-mother.



Father's wife then had a son,

Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,

For he was my daughter's son.



My wife is now my mother's mother

And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,

She is my grandma too.



If my wife is my grandmother,

Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,

It simply drives me wild.



For now I have become

The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,

I am my own grandpa.

Nice first one, the second one is :unsure:... when your dad marries a woman other than your mother, she doesn't become your mother, but your steph-mother.

But she is still your mom..... just not the biological one. :D

the last one you had, fingersman, confused the hell out of me ;)

Wow, these jokes are hilarious guys. Keep up the great work.

LOL, these are some sweet jokes, ill try to think of some good ones and post em later....

but while you wait, here is one...

A guy goes into a bar and has a drink, then the bartender comes up and askes him if he wants to participate in a contest they were putting on, he could win 100$. The guy asks what he has to do, The bartender says, First you have to go beat up the big guy in the corner. Second you have to go and rip a tooth out of the dogs mouth out back, and third you have to go make love to the fat womenin the other corner. There is one more thing, the bartender said, you have to take 3 ****s of vodca before you go, then another three after every thing.

So the guy goes into the corner and beats the crap out of the guy, then he goes back to the counter and takes the shots, then takes off again. He comes back about 10 minutes later and says "geeze she was a friski one, now where is the fat women whos teeth i have to pull."


:D

Warning: This joke may be offensive to some religious types and mods can edit it if they feel they have to...



Q:So, what's the difference between a priest and acne?
A: One doesn't come on your face until you are 13...(badum ching!)

Ohhh! That is a good one Germanator! :lol:

oooooo...low blow there...but funny

here's one, similar to Germanator's:

>WARNING: Read following at own risk...of laughing ;)<

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and McDonald's?

Not much, they both stick their meat into 10 year old buns.

:sneaky:

Here's another one:

A man walks into a saloon and gets informed that they're holding a contest. You pay $5, and try to make this horse laugh. If you make the horse laugh, you earn the collection money. So the man enters the contest, and the bartender says "Good luck. No one's ever succeeded. *belly laugh*" The man walks up to the horse, whispers somthing into its ear, and the horse, surprisingly, laughs hysterically. The bartender is perplexed, but gives the bucket of money to the man nonetheless.

A week later, the same man returns to the bar, and is told by the bartender that there's another contest. This time, you have to make the horse cry. The man said, "sure, I'll enter" and walked up to the horse. A few seconds later, the horse cried. "Okay, how did you do that?" asked the bartender. "Well, to make him laugh," the man said, "I told him that my penis was larger than his. To make him cry, I showed him it."

*rimshot*

LMAO! Good one Stu :lol:

Nice one STU. :D

Liked it I'll post another joke soon..probadly tomorrow or something. :D

Haha, good one Stu.:D

Bye! Nice knowing you (not)!

sick bastard. I should kick your ass so hard you'd have to take off your hat to take a sh!t...

I assume the post you are referring to with this got deleted?

correct-o

Vanilla Pudding?



This is Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March
2,1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight,their
efforts at disabling

the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who


expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables were


surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.


The robbers cracked the first safe's combination
and inside found a bowl

of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system,
one robber

said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also
contained nothing but

vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They

found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of
gold. Instead, all

the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the
robbers made

a quiet exit - each leaving with nothing more than a quesy uncomfortably
full

stomach!



The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING!







i got that in an e-mail:D

Aww man Marionette, that was a good one, rather gross, but funny! :D

This isn't really a joke just kind of a funny pick line:

Remember the company's staff picnic? Well, that wasn't mustard all around Howard's mouth... :stud: :sneaky:

"Your pants must have mirrors because I see myself in them!" :stud:

:sneaky:

;)

I started a thread about this in the Black Project Forum and got barely any replies. :(

Oh well.

Since we seem to have a trend in toilet humor here...

A visitor to Madrid decided a nice thing to do would be to check out a good old-fashioned bullfight. It was an exciting event to be sure. The performers were highly skilled, and a good time was had by all. As our visitor was leaving the arena, he happened to notice a small restaurant nearby with delicious odors wafting out of its doors. Since he was a little hungry, he decided to grab a bite.

After he had taken a seat and made his order, he noticed another patron who was feasting on, among other things, what looked like a pair of delicious meatballs. Except these meatballs were larger than anything else this visitor had seen before. Curious, he caught the attention of the waiter and asked what the dish was.

"Oh, that's our specialty, señor," said the waiter. "The gentleman over there is eating the testicles of the bull that was killed in today's fight. It's only available once a day, and it always gets served within a minute after it's been prepared."

Now this was something truly unusual. Think of all the stories to tell people at home, the visitor thought. He had to try it—if only to find out what bull testicles taste like.

The next day, there was another bullfight, but the visitor didn't even bother watching. Instead, he waited impatiently outside the arena for signs that the fight was over. Pretty soon, the crowd's cheers had subsided and people started filing out of the arena. The visitor made a beeline for the small restaurant and immediately ordered the house specialty.

"You're in luck, señor," said the waiter. "You're the first to order our specialty today, so you will be the one to have the dish today. We've just finished preparing it."

Minutes later, the waiter served up a steaming plate of vegetables, bread and meatballs. The hungry visitor couldn't help noticing, however, that these meatballs didn't seem as big as the ones he had seen yesterday.

"Was there something wrong with the bull today?" he asked the waiter. "Why are these testicles so small?"

The waiter harrumphed and coughed before finally answering, "Eh, you see, señor, the bull does not always lose."

Haha, aww sic...:D

Lol good on Xantar.

Here's one:

A man takes his Long snouted long tailed short legged greyhound into a bar. He goes in and the bartender says "WHAT IT THE NAME OF SWEET MERCY IS THAT?!". The bloke says this is me long snouted long tailed short legged greyhound. He says its an ugly piece of work but it'll kill any dog and shred it to pieces. Bartender says bet it cant take on my pit bull. The BLoke says is that a fight? Bartender says, your one. Be here eight o clock tomorrow.

Eight o clock comes, and the man with the long snouted long tailed short legged greyhound comes. Everyone keeps asking him what it is, and he tells them its a long snouted long tailed short legged greyhound.

So the two animals fight, and the pit bull is absaloutely torn to piece. The bartender is shocked and goes to the bloke, whats this called? I wanna get one.

The bloke says its a long snouted long tailed short legged greyhound...







...but in Australia we call em crocodiles ;)

Here's another one...I didn't want to make another thread about it. :D
It make be disgusting but funny. :D


Students at the LSU Medical School were receiving their first
anatomy class with a real dead human body. They were all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first thing is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted." The professor uncovered the body, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked his finger. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently took turns
sticking their fingers in the butt of the body and sucking their finger after withdrawing it from the rectum. When everybody was finished, the professor looked at them and told them,

"The second important quality is observation. I stuck my middle finger in and sucked my index finger.

Pay attention people!!!!!"
:D:D:p

HAHA! That is a good one Xantar :D

A very tall father asked his son if he wanted a special type of lollipop. The little four-year old replied, "Sure daddy," with a hint of excitment. The father then said, "Ok son, but you must first do three things: Close your eyes, open your mouth, and make a wish." The little boy did so and what followed was somewhat unexpected...

Ten minutes later the little boy walked quietly back to his room, fatigued and confused. Later that night, his mom came home from work. The little boy walked into his mother's room later that night, she was reading a book in bed. He climbed up onto her bed and asked, "hey mom, I have a special lollipop for you, would you like it?" The mom replied with no expectation for what was to follow, "Oh honey, I'd love to have a special lollipop." The little tyke told his mom what she must do first and she followed his instructions, entertained by his wanting to surprise her...

Four hours later, the boy's dad walked into the bedroom. He saw his wife complelty undressed, sprawled out on the bed alsleep and next to her lay his son with smeared lipstick all over his undressed body watching TV. The boy's shocked father asked, "Son, what happened to you and mommy?" the little four year old replied, "I gave her one of those special lollipops," he said with an unbearable innocence. :D

I hate to use the word, but BUMP...

I thought this thread the some of the funniest jokes ever. So enjoy!

He, a lot better than the current joke thread :D


*laughs and walks away*

I don't really get the lollipop one... apart from some disgusting innuendo, did I miss something?