A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and
he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told
the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty.

The man had a truly fantastic meal. The waiter asked if the man
wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out
the restaurant's specialty.

The waiter said that was the peach poosay, and he would order
it for him. A waitress came out with a covered silver platter.
She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been
quartered and pitted. The waitress proceeded to raise her
skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out
of her vagina. She picked up the rest of the pieces and did
the same.

The man called the waiter over an asked, "Am I actually
expected to eat the peach after that?"

The waiter responded, "Why, no, Monsieur. You eat the poosay."

I don't know why, but that last joke actually made me smile :) Perhaps I'm getting more and more immature by the second :unsure: And please don't kill me, BLueFire. I don't post bad jokes to upset you; Your reactions simply work as a kind of bonus. By the way, Stu, why don't you like Woody Allen? I admit that his newer films aren't very funny, but almost all of the movies that he directed in the 70s and 80s were hilarious.

*shrugs and eats poosay*

different people, different tastes...

George Carlin made me crack up...

Jim Carrey, now there's a funny man.

Norm McDonald is a funny ****...

Incoming bad joke

A man is in line in at bank. All of a sudden, he feels a poke at his back followed by a raspy whisper, "This isn't a stick-up. I'm just a tall man who's just finished watching a half hour of Richard Simmons.

BlueFire, please don't shoot me!

Dun-dun-ding! :rofl:

I learned that one today :D

I got one!!!!

Why did Bluefire cross the road?

Because he wanted to get to the gay bar on the other side!!!

Iprobably have this in here already...
 

I probably have this on here already but here's one:


A little old Guy goes to a Diner for breakfast each morning, one day his "usual" etaery is closed, so he decixdes to trry another which is a Bar by nightnad a Diner by day, he wlaks into the Building pulls up a Bar Stool and looks at the Breakfast Menu. The Bartender/Waiter for the Bar/Resturant says "What'll it be?", the little old man says "I'll have a Dougnut and Coffe" and proceeds to pull out a newspaper. The Barttnerder brings him is Dougnut and Coffe and the old man pays the Resturant owner and gives him a large tip. Just then a Large man in his 20's walks in, the bartender/Resturant owner turns around and shakes his head, the little man does not notice the large mand and thinks he's upset the owner. The large man shouts "YOU'RE IN MY SEAT!", startled the little man turns around and stutters "wha-what do you mean your seat, there are 8 other bar stools in here." The Bartender looks at the little guy and says "Just move", the little man is about to move when the bartender/owner turns arou nd and hears "CRASH! BAM!", the little guy s on the floor out cold, and the big guy says "When HE wakes up, tell him that's Karate from Korea!"

The Next day the little man goes back to the diner and orders the same thing, he pulls out his newspaper, and begins to read, this time being sure to sit on the far left of the Bar area. He's siping his coffe and enjoying his dougnut when the Bartender turns around and ducks as the Large amn enters and walks up to the small amn "YOU'RE IN MYSEAT!" the large man screams. The Little man is now extremly scarfed and replies "But I though that seat in the middle was your seat, I'm confu..." the little man is cut off and the Bartender again hear's "CRASH! BAM!", the bartender gets up and the Large 20-something guy says "WHEN HE WAKES UP, TELL HIM THAT'S JUDO FROM JAPAN!!", the Large man then eats the small mans meal and walks out.

The third day, the small man goes back tothe resturant with one last hope, this time he sits to the far right of the bar, he orders his stader meal and pulls out his newspaper, the Bartender/Resturant owner apologizes for the Lareg Man's acts, the little man shrugs it off and says "It was nothing", and starts siupping his coffee eating his dougnut and minding his own buisness, the Large Man walks in and the bartender ducks down and mutters "not again..", just then the large man walks over to the little old man adn says "YOU'RE IN MY SEAT!!" the little man now fed up with the large young man says "OK, NOW i'M CONFUSED! Yeasterday the seat all the way on the left was yours, the day before it was the middle seat, DO YOU OPWN ALL THE SEAST IN HERE!?!", the bartender/owner shudders and mutters "what is this guy thinking", just then he heard "THUD!", He gets up from hiding behind the bar area and is shcoked to see the little man still standing! The little man says to the bartender "WHEN HE WAKES UP, TELL HIM THAT'S A SLEDGEHAMMER FROM SEARS!!"

----------An thus, justice is served to the large bully--------------------


Here's another one:

There are three men in a mental institution, Mr. Green, Mr. Gray, and Mr. White. They have all been there for several years but the doctor wants to "test" them to see if he can let them out.

He calls Mr. Green in first:

Doctor: Mr. Green you've done amazing here and I think we can let you out but I need to ask you three questiosn before you can leave, will you answer them?

Mr. Green: Yes, of course.

Doctor: On what side of the road do you pass a moving vehical in the USA?

Mr. Green: You pass on the right.

Doctor: Sorry Mr. Green, we can't let you out.

Upset,. Mr. Green leaves te Dotocr's office and the Doctor calls in Mr. Gray.

Doctor: Mr. Gray you've done amazing here and I think we can let you out but I need to ask you three questiosn before you can leave, will you answer them?

Mr. Gray: Absolutely!

Doctor: On what side of the road do you pass a car in the USA?

Mr. Gray: The left side.

Doctor: Good Mr. Gray, next question: what color is an orange?

Mr. Gray: Purple.

Doctor: Sorry Mr. Gray, we can't let you out.

Mr. Gray leaves the office in a depressed state, te doctor is also feelign hopless and calls in Mr. White...

Doctor: Mr. White you've done amazing here and I think we can let you out but I need to ask you three questiosn before you can leave, will you answer them?

Mr. White: Of Course I'll answer them doctor.

Doctor: On what side of the road do you pass a car in the USA?

Mr. White: You pass on the left.

Doctor: Excellent Mr. White! Here's your next question, What color is an orange?

Mr. White: Oh Doctor, that's an easy one, and orange is orange.

Doctor: Excellent Mr. White! Here is your Thurd and final question, what is my job?

The doctor smiles in a happy mood awaiting an answer...

Mr. White: Well Doctor, you're a Doctor, with a PhD.

The Doctor is amazed!

Doctor: Mr. White you are free to go!

As Mr. White leaves the institution, past the doctor's office, a Depressed Mr. Green and Mr. Gray ask him:

Mr. Green: How'd ya do it?

Mr. Gray: Yeah, How'd you get out?

Mr. White looks at Mr. Green and Mr. Gray points to his head next to his ears and says...

Mr. White: I used my Kidney!

Mr. White then leaves the institution.

-----------And thus another dummy joins "normal" society-------------

ehm... Kidney?? :confused: Oh wait, now I'll be bashed for not knowing what a Kidney is... :unsure:
I know that it's an organ, but that's not with a capital K... and the joke doesn't make much sense if it is what I would think it is... or isn't it supposed to make sense??

Angrist, the guy was just released from a mental institute by answering three simple questions. Yet, when the others asked him how he got out, he pointed to his head and said he used his 'kidney'...

I'm going to send your remains to your mom. :D

Don't listen to him, BLueFire. We all know that you just crossed the street to purchase some gay (yet tasteful) pornography. *slaps One Winged Angel* Get yer facts straight, kid!

You know, I see an awful lot of people who seem fixated on calling other people gay. I have to wonder about them, sometimes...

So anyways, a true story for you all. Nobel Prize winning physicist Richard Feynman used to eat lunch every day at a particular diner back when he was a student at MIT. One day, he left his tip, two quarters, underneath two inverted cups of water. The next day, he noticed that the waitress of the previous day looked a little steamed and wouldn't serve him. He asked another waitress what happened.

"Well, she was trying to get your tip," the waitress answered. "But when she lifted one of the cups, all the water spilled out all over the place and made a big mess. Then she called the manager over and asked him what to do. But he didn't really know. So finally all they could do is pick up the other cup and let it make a mess again."

"Well, it's pretty simple to deal with," answered Feynman. "All you have to do is hold a bowl near the edge of the table and slide the cup over it so that the water spills into the bowl."

That day, Feynman left his tip under two upside down cups again. The next day, he arrived to find the second waitress obviously steamed at him. He finally got her attention and asked what was wrong.

"I got your tip by taking a bowl and sliding the cup over it just like you told me to," she said.

"So what's the problem?" Feynman asked.

"There wasn't any water in the cups!"

lol i got a funny one..lol wats the difference from a negro and a bag of ****
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
the bag :D

oh man no one on any forums have sense of humor jeez lol and i come from canada

A little impatient, are we? This isn't a chat room here.

Besides, I think FreakyBob said something about racist jokes at the beginning of the thread.

And besides that, the joke isn't funny anyway.

actually its more funny when u argue to a retard hahahha

I can't visualize, could someone draw a simple picture of what two inverted cups with water look like? :D

I've known Bluefire longer than you boy! He likes his Twinkies live!

Or how to keep the water inside the cups when inverting them? Xantar??

Well, the book I read didn't explain it. But I imagine Feynman did something like this:

1. Take a glass of water.
2. Put a quarter in it.
3. Put a saucer on top of the glass to cover the opening.
4. Turn the cup upside down with the saucer still covering the opening.
5. Quickly remove the saucer from underneath the cup and press the cup to the table.

You'll spill some water, but not enough to really make a mess.

...


:hmm:

It's nothing to be embarrassed about. I hear that the live Twinkies are really hot :burger: :burger: :burger:

I really want to see you bleed right now.

*slits wrists to appease bluefire* There we go :) :D :cool: Anyway, as I've said earlier, there's no shame in getting some live Twinkie action every now and then. I mean what's wrong with a nice, plump piece of sponge cake with cream filling in the middle? .....Unless, of course, this is meant to be something sexual. If it is, I am absolutely appalled.

Here's one...I don't know if you heard it already but here it goes.....


The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his

subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive

their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he ranted

and raved for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This

time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still dissatisfied,

he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all

thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady

in the rear. "Mrs. Jones, why are you not willing to forgive your

enemies?" "I don't have any "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old

are you?" "Ninety-three." "Mrs.Jones, please come down in front and

tell the congregation how a person live to be ninety-three, and not

have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady tottered

down the aisle, very slowly turned around and

said: "It's easy ... I just outlived the bitches."

;)

That was pretty funny IMO :D



*chuckles and walks away*

:lol: good one fingersman :D

Man that was one funny joke, Fingersman.

Great joke.


*Still laughing*

Back to the height thingy.

Whats the height of conceit?

Shouting out your own name during an orgasm.

A Variation by GameMaster

What's the height of self-centerness?

Groaning your own name during the climax!

:rofl:

lol, very well, variated.

And now for a long joke from me.

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed
gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely.
Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a
baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun. "Okay, here's what we
do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with
this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little
dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated." "Great," says
the man. "But what's the gun for?" "In case I fall down instead of the
gorilla shoot the dog."

Hey, hows about another one?

> > > A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a
> week.
> > > When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the
> cat
> > > up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you
were
> > > away, the cat died."
> > >
> > > The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken
the
> > news
> > > to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he
was
> on
> > > the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you
> > could
> > > have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching
him
> > up.
> > > Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed
> away."
> > > The brother thought about it and apologized.
> > > "So how's Mom?" asked the man.
> > > "She's on the roof and won't come down."

Thats enough from me (for now).

:rofl: Those 2 were good! :D:D

what, no more jokes?

What do you call throw up with saw dust in it?

Wood Chucks! :rofl:

What mountain sleeps the most?

Mount Ever-rest!

well, that my bad joke for today.

A blonde calls up her best friend (a brunette) one day because she is very upset.

"I can't get this jigsaw puzzle put together, and I've been trying for weeks," she cries. "Could you please come over and help me before I go crazy?"

"What kind of puzzle is it?" asks the brunette.

The blonde says, "Well, there is a rooster on the box, but there are so many pieces, and it's so confusing. I just don't know where to start!"

Her friend is the compassionate sort and says, "I'll be right over." So off to the blonde's house she goes.

When she gets there, she takes one look at the table and turns to her friend and says . . . . . .

"Put the Corn Flakes back in the box."

You haven't stopped me yet, BLueFire. This game is far from over.....
 

BLueFire's been a little too happy lately, so I think I'll bring this thread back. A few bad jokes should certainly ruin his mood. Anyways, here it goes.


A ninety-year old man is sitting on a park bench sobbing when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.

Through his tears, the old man answers "I'm in love with a twenty-five year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work we make love...At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers again through his tears "I forgot where I live."

Well I just found this joke and I think I'll share it with you guys...and I didn't want to start a new joke thread so I'll just post it here.


-----------------

Just a wee story about loyalty in marriage...

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.When I got fired, you were there to support me.When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

" I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me ." :D

Ouch now that's cold.

Ok, you want a really bad joke that'll provoke enough groans to register on the Richter scale?

Q: Dude, what nickname do you give a guy who can type really fast?

A: Fingers, man.

lol fingersman, that one was awesome