Yeah, I know that this one isn't funny and is also dated as it is the year 2002. So sue me, you ass clown. Like I've said before, I don't come up with these. Anyway, here it goes:

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:

"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.

Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

I'm going to hurt all of you.



That's not a joke. ;)

Here's another awful (and disgusting) joke that I found from an awful web site:
 

The height of...


Height of Patience:
A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.

Height of Frustration:
A boxer trying to scratch his balls.

Height of Innocence:
A teenage girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.

Height of Laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.

Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.

Height of Sophistication:
Sucking nipples with a straw.

Height of Disgust:
While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.

Height of Technology:
A condom with a zip.

Height of Trouble:
A one-handed man with an itchy ass hanging from a cliff.



I know, I know. It's disgusting and un-funny. Well, you come up with something.

What's the difference between an elephant and a cookie?
____________
You can't dip an elephant in your milk!

duh duh ding! :rofl:

wuts the difference between a pineapple and a penguin?

i dunno...

A penguin isn't the product of a tree, unless I have been horribly mistakened. :hmm:

Actually, elephants can be dipped in milk. You'd just have to have a rather large glass. And there are several differences between elephants and cookies, not just one. I'd say that the most important of these is that an elephant is a living creature and a cookie is a snack.

You guys have a worse chance at posting a good joke than a one legged midget does at winning an ass-kicking contest...

:sneaky:

:rofl: :lol: :rofl:

What kind of ants are the biggest?

Giants!

:rofl:

Do You know The Hight of Patience?
Counting your hair with a boxing glove on

Do You KNow The Hight of Football?
Scoring a goal and miss at the replay.

Do You Know The Hight of Athletics?
Runing by yourself and finishing second.

Do You Know The Hight of Hights?
It would be too much to know this one too.

:( :( :confused:

IT doesen't sound as good as in Romanian.

I'm going to hurt you.

BLueFire threatens us too much. I say we kill him.....

that may very well be...but answer me this!! if i had 3 apples and ate 7 how many apples would i have left?

this thread makes me sad, in an angry sort of way

:hmm:

darkmaster...lol...you would have -4 apples...you figure it out!:rolleyes:

This one really isn't that bad.....
 

Atlanta School Board

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over Ebonics, has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to
work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or
combat.

ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn
country."

DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."

SEED -- verb, past tense.

VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

LOL!!! IT"S FUNY CUZ LIKE, THATS HOW TEHY AND SOUND STUF!!1 ROFLMAO...:lol:

:sneaky:

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Don't cry man, it was only a joke.

:rofl: :lol:

......um, right. Well, thanks for posting.....

*loads the pistol*

A man walks into a psychiatrists office screaming "I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee!!!"

The doctor says: "Sit down and relax, you're two traditional forms of Native American shelter native to the mid-west and north east."

GET IT????

AHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHHAAAAAA!!!!

*cough*

in response to the Stangler's joke...

Sixty-one posts and not a single good joke.

What the hell were you expecting here?


:p

More bad jokes coming your way.....
 

A very fat woman got on a crowded bus. She stood in the aisle, looked around, and loudly complained, "Isn't anybody going to give me a seat?"

A thin man stood up and said, "I'll be glad to make a contribution."


Hey, at least it's a nice, clean joke, right. :)

Here are a few Woody Allen quotes that I found. These are actually pretty funny (Well, he is Woody Allen, after all).


"Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman."

"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to sleep with me and she said "no"."

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy."

"My brain - it's my second favorite organ."

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's a pretty good empty experience."

"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone you
love."


Gotta love Woody Allen.

I was watching AFV and a monkey stuck his finger up his butt and sniffed it. He then fainted!


:rofl:

:unsure:

*shrgs and walks away*

What is AFV?

America's Funniest Videos... or maybe it's Home Videos.... whatever...


*shrugs and walks away*

The Woody Allen thing was actually pretty funny.

I don't think so...

but his new show "8 Rules for dating my own teenage daughter" is hilarious :lol:

:sneaky:

Not funny, Stu. No one, and I ****ing mean no one makes fun of Woody Allen. *shoves PerfectStu's head in toilet and flushes*

Woody Allen is a perverted piece of sewage waste. He's ugly, stupid, definately not funny, and I would like to play basketball with his peanut-like head...

:nya:

Umm..



*runs away*

Wether or not you like Woody Allen or not as a person, he is pretty much one of the funniest people alive. He may be a pervert, but he is one damn funny pervert.

I don't think that he's perverted at all. He's just a morally bankrupt man (Kinda like me...without the man part, I guess.). And, yeah, he is one of the funniest people alive.

EDIT: Why all this talk about Allen, anyway? This isn't the official Woody Allen thread, you know, it's just a fun thread where we post bad jokes to annoy BLueFire.

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."

Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"




..... There's a joke... Be happy....

*shrugs and walks away*

...was...that...a...joke?

Well, if it makes BLueFire angry, it's fine with me.

Die.

actually, I don't think he's funny at all.

:|