:lol:

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during
his visit to Greece.

Haha, I can barely stop laughing!

I just found some Al Gore quotes, here goes.

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all live in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"We're all capable of making mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

"One word sums up the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"We're going to have the best-educated Americans in the world."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."

"A lower voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

Erm...Blackmane, a lot of those Al Gore quotes were actually spoken by Dan Quayle. :hmm:

That kind of thing happens a lot, actually. A lot of people attributed Quaylisms to George W. Bush. Our president makes verbal slip ups, but he doesn't sink as low as our former Vice President.

I've seen these before, and they are my three favorites.

Stupidest Newspaper Headlines

1.*Something Went Wrong in Plane Crash, Expert Says
2.*Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3.*Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
4.*Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5.*Stud Tires Out
6.*Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
7.*British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
8.*Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
9.*Eye Drops off Shelf
10.*Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11.*Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
12.*War Dims Hope for Peace
13.*Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
14.*Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
15.*Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
16.*Miners Refuse to Work after Death
17.*Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
18.*Stolen Painting Found by Tree
19.*Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
20.*Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
21.*Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
22.*If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
23.*Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
24.*Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
25.*Deer Kill 17,000
26.*Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
27.*Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
28.*New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
29.*Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
30.*Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
31.*Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
32.*Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
33.*British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
34.*Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
35.*Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
36.*Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
37.*New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
38.*Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
39.*Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
40.*Air Head Fired
41.*Clock Thief Faces Time
42.*Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
43.*Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
44.*Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
45.*Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
46.*Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
47.*Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
48.*Include your Children when Baking Cookies
49. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Next week: more Dan Quayle goodness.

I missed last week's issue, so I'm going to make up for it by posting a double issue of stupidity today. Enjoy!

Special classified ads section

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale; and antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mr. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

More Dan Quayle goodness

Great American sport. Horseshoes is a very great game. I love it.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 4/5/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

I'm not so sure that I will miss Johnny Carson, but Johnny Carson will miss me.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle (reported in the Houston Chronicle, 5/22/92 - taken from The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, in a speech to the American Society of Newspaper Editors, April 1991

My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will never, never surrender to what is right.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle speaking to the Christian Coalition about the need for abstinence to avoid AIDS, 11/15/91 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

This isn't a man who is leaving with his head between his legs.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle discussing John Sununu's resignation and apparent lack of flexibility, 12/6/91

I'm glad you asked me that. This gives me the perfect opportunity to talk about the problems with this Congress...
-- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to reporters' questions about his use of Air force 2 to go on golf trips at the cost of $26,000/hour.

We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, (USA Today 4/22/92 - taken from The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)

I've been told to keep my remarks relatively brief. I understand Quayle-hunting season begins at noon.
-- Senator Dan Quayle to a crowd in Eau Claire, Wisc. (LA Times 10/16/88)

Update from the dead
 

Thank you for reading so far. Next week, I'm going to try to dig up some more Dan Quayle goodness for you guys. In the meantime, enjoy these little tidbits I've found.

The following are real warnings found either on labels or in computer programs or on road signs.

Swedish Chainsaw
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

Various Computers
Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Unknown Hair Coloring
Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Rowenta Iron
Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.

Unknown Road, Clemson, SC
Caution water on road during rain.

McDonald's in Johnson City, NY
Parking for drive-thru service only

Jefferson City, Missouri High School Football Field
Public Property, Keep out!

Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH
Road Closed. Use Sidewalk.

Unknown High School Training Room Door, Arlington, TX
Push handle down. Push door in.

South Side of San Antonio, TX
Cemetery Road. Dead End

Unknown Birth Control Pills
Do not use if you are pregnant, intend to become pregnant, or might be pregnant.

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

Komatsu Floodlight
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark

Unknown Mattress
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow

Unknown Matches
Caution: Contents may catch fire.

And the worst part about many of these is they were probably put on the product because somebody actually did attempt to swallow a mattress (for instance), got really hurt in the process and sued successfully so that the company is forced to put a warning label on the product.

To top it off, here are some names of real bands.

Barbantuan Gigantlanic Hugemungus
Buns 'n' Doses
Captain Artichoke and the Electric Sex Aardvarks
Decent Exposer
The Four Skins
GWAR (Stands for God What an Awful Racket)
King Missle Dog Fly Religion (yes, it's actually spelled that way)
The Most Anal-Retentive Director In The History of Cinema

Har Har! Good one's! Here is one I heard On HEADLINES on Jay Leno.

Its an ad for a shop vac.

Warning: Do not insert Penis:p