Huge new update (from the Darwin Awards!)
 

(1 January 2002, Brazil) Russian Roulette has always been a breeding ground for natural selection, but the men involved in this story deserve extra consideration for their unique approach to this self-destructive game.

On New Year?s Eve, Antonio and his friend were befogged by a traditional Brazilian liquor called pinga, when they began playing Russian roulette with holiday fireworks. Their version of the game consisted of lighting fireworks, and holding them in their mouths to see who could delay longest. The man who discarded the explosive closest to the point of detonation was the victor in this battle of wills.

Their blatant disregard for personal safety was matched only by their foolish bravery. Antonio was the winner, holding one of the fireworks in his mouth a bit too long, and thereby earning praise for his "courage" at his funeral.

-------------------------------------------

(21 March 2002, Kentucky) In his youth, the man had whiled away many an afternoon hopping trains and riding them fifteen or twenty yards down the rails before leaping back off. But by the time he was twenty years old, he had apparently lost the knack. While demonstrating the trick to friends, our hero tried to hop a southbound train, but failed to notice the simultaneous approach of a northbound train, and was struck and killed.

-------------------------------------------

(30 January 2002, Brazil) Airport taxi drivers frequently hear the announcement, "The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only." But Santos Dumont airport in Rio de Janeiro may need to add a new phrase: "The runway is for take-off and landing of airplanes only."

"The signs that tell you to stop when the plane is on the runway are practically invisible," said the director of the local taxi cooperative. Apparently a Boeing 737 preparing for takeoff was equally invisible to one 64-year-old taxi driver, who sped onto the runway after dropping off his fare. He was right behind the jet when it revved its engines in preparation for a 140-mph takeoff.

Local aviation experts say the force of the 737?s jets is comparable to a hurricane, but, we assume, much hotter. The taxi was spun 25 meters through the air, hit the rocks at Guanabara Bay, and ejected its driver. The man?s tip for the trip was a broken skull and thorax. He is presently in a coma.

Airport authorities cited driver error as the cause of the accident.

-------------------------------------------

(8 February 2002, Pennsylvania) Outside a camp for troubled youths, sneakers dangled from the electricity line, presumably tossed there by a camper who enjoyed the challenge and notoriety. But the sneakers were an eyesore to one 20-year-old employee. They must be eliminated!

He stood in the raised bucket of a front-end loader, and poked at the sneakers with a device consisting of a fourteen-foot coppper tube with a pocketknife taped to the end. The determined employee had nearly removed a pair of shoes, when the knife pierced the insulation and made contact with the electrical wire. He was knocked out of the bucket and landed on the hood of the loader, with burns on his hands, a foot, and his buttocks. He died from his injuries three weeks later.

-------------------------------------------

Clement Vallandigham was a well-known Northern Democrat who campaigned for states? rights during the Civil War. In 1863 Vallandigham was convicted of treason for his speeches attacking the administration of President Lincoln. He was banished to the South, where he continued to voice his extreme political views.

After the war, Vallandingham became a lawyer. In his last appearance in the courtroom, he represented a client on trial for murder. The accused man?s defense was that the victim had drawn his own gun in a fashion that caused it to fire, killing himself. To prove the defense argument, Vallandigham demonstrated the victim?s method of drawing a gun--using the loaded evidence gun as his prop. The firearm went off, and he lost his life--but proved his case.

-------------------------------------------

(March 2002, Canada) In my small community, news travels fast, but it doesn't usually travel far. This is an event that I witnessed, but still can't believe. My friend James is a moron and a firebug, like every other boy in Grade 9. His father was an avid hunter who loaded his own shells, so James always had an ample supply of materials to satisfy his obsession.

One day after school, I noticed a group of kids huddled around James. He had filled a small, heavy-duty cardboard tube with FFFF powder, used for black powder rifles. The tube was sealed with a generous amount of duct tape, and had a crude wick protruding from the side.

James pulled out his butane lighter, instructed everyone to step back, and lit the wick. But instead of doing the natural thing -- throwing the crude M80 as fast and far as possible -- he placed it between his legs right below his crotch, while he stowed the lighter back in his pocket.

The wick burned much too fast, and before he could grab it and hurl it, the explosive blew up between his legs. James fell to the ground screaming, and when the dust cleared, we all expected to see a gigantic hole in his midsection. But we were astonished to find the tube in almost perfect condition, with the exception of two missing ends. There wasn't even a rip in his jeans.

Luckily for James, he hadn?t properly taped the explosive, and most of its force was released forward and aft. But unluckily for him, the explosion directed a certain amount of pressure against his testicles. James managed to make it home and change his pants, and he told his mother he fell while walking along the top of a fence, thereby avoiding trouble over playing with explosives.

That happened ten years ago. During a trip home for Thanksgiving, I ran into James, and it seems that he is unable to have children.

-------------------------------------------

Stay tuned. I'll have another update in a few days. There's lots more where that came from. :D

LOL, guy got in a coma after driving on a runway.. that's priceless :lol:

I'll just sneak this in while everyone's watching E#
 

Holy Roman Emperor Frederick I embarked on the 3rd Crusade to recapture the Holy Land in the twelfth century. After spending days trudging across the dry summer desert, his army came upon the River Saleph. In his parched state, Frederick threw caution to the wind -- instead of his heavy armor -- and plunged into the river, whereupon he sank to the bottom and drowned.

Attila the Hun was one of the most notorious villains in history. He conquered all of Asia by 450 A.D. by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside. This bloodthirsty man died from a nosebleed on his wedding night. After feasting and toasting his own good fortune, he was too drunk to notice his nose, and he drowned in a snoutful of his own blood.

Tycho Brahe, a sixteenth-century Danish astronomer whose research helped Sir Isaac Newton devise the theory of gravity, died because he didn?t make it to the bathroom in time. In that society it was considered an insult to leave the table before the banquet was over. Brahe forgot to relieve himself before the banquet began, then exacerbated matters by imbibing too much alcohol at dinner. Too polite to ask to be excused, he instead allowed his bladder to burst, which killed him slowly and painfully over the next eleven days.

Francis Bacon was an influential statesman, philosopher, writer, and scientist in the sixteenth century. He died while stuffing snow into a chicken. He had been struck by the notion that snow instead of salt might be used to preserve meat. To test his theory he stood outside in the snow and attempted to stuff the bird. The chicken didn?t freeze, but Bacon did, prompting the question ?Which froze first? The Bacon or the egg??

Jean-Baptiste Lully, a seventeenth-century composer who wrote music for the king of France, died from an overdose of ?musical enthusiasm.? While rehearsing for a concert, he became overexcited and drove his baton right through his foot. He succumbed to blood poisoning.

Some treasured Historic Darwins are not true. For instance, the legendary circumstances surrounding the death of a famous female ruler:

Catherine the Great, empress of Russia in the eighteenth century, reputedly had a prodigious appetite for sex. Legend has it that she was killed by her bestiality practices. During one of her frequent conjugal visits with a horse, the rope sling that suspended the animal snapped, and the falling horse crushed the amorous woman. But the truth is that although Catherine had an appetite for sex, she did not indulge with her stallions. The rumor may have been started to undercut her claim to a place in history.

Heh....I think some of these deaths or extremly stupid ..are you sure these guys weren't killed??


Like the Roman emperor could have been push and the Russian woman could have been thrown in the stable :D

But regardless that's some funny stuff. :D

Yeah, okay. I said that my topic in the General Forum would be my last post in three months, but I lied. This is my last post in 3 months. I just couldn't leave without one last update to my semi-regular stupid topic.

(7 March 2002, Colorado) When Gerald was pulled over by police for erratic driving, he decided it was
better to flee from the stolen car on foot, rather than face possible jail time for a parole violation. This
was the first of two successive mental lapses. Gerald’s actual thoughts are unknown, but *may* have
been something like this: "The officers are only suspicious and alert now... I’ll make them hot, sweaty,
tired, and angry by leading them on a wild chase through dark alleys and fields."

During the subsequent foot chase, Gerald attempted to dissuade officers from the pursuit by firing a
9mm Ruger semiautomatic handgun blindly over his shoulder. This was the second illustration of a
potential mental deficiency. "Officers are running behind me. They have guns. I have a gun! They have
eyes in the front of their heads, so they can see to aim at me. I don't have eyes in the back of my head,
so I’ll fire wildly behind me and see what happens!"

Unfortunately, Gerald appears to have been one of those folks who can't chew gum and walk at the
same time. Or at least he couldn’t flee and fire at the same time. While discharging the weapon over
his shoulder, Gerald managed to shoot himself in the head with his own gun, bringing the chase to a
sudden conclusion.

Four shots were fired, none by the officers, who found Gerald's pistol next to his fallen body. Gerald
was transported to a local hospital where he expired the following day, thus removing a set of genes
deficient in both judgment and coordination from the gene pool.

----------------------------

(March 2002, Colorado) I was a third-year medical student doing my first surgical rotation, when a man
came in who had consumed, along with a copious amount of alcohol, the panties of a local stripper.
After he sobered up, he waited for the panties to pass through, but they never emerged.

He began to feel bloated. That’s when the fearless fellow tried to fish them out with a hook constructed
from a wire coat hanger.

The predictable result: he was not able to snag the panties, but instead ripped gashes along the
length of his esophagus. He died from the effects of a massive infection, removing himself from the
breeding population.

His X-rays were the highlight of my very first M&M (Mortality and Morbidity) conference. I don't think this
was published, but there are other surgeons in the Denver area that remember the case.

----------------------------

(March 2002, Hungary) I can't name sources for this incident, but the story is commonly known among
Hungarian border guards who work on the Ukraine border.

Even the smallest border stations have Geiger-Muller detector gates, because of the threat of nuclear
smugglers from ex-USSR countries. These gates resemble empty doorframes, or metal detectors at
airports, but instead of metal they detect radioactive materials.

A man with a backpack arrived at the border. He seemed a bit dizzy, maybe drunk, but vodka is cheap in
the Ukraine and drunken passengers are quite everyday in this area. The man was instructed to pass
through the Geiger-Muller detector gate. He seemed a bit anxious, but finally he obeyed--and the gate
signaled a red alert!

A glance at the dosimeter made everyone run for their lives. The man was hot!

The Hungarian army dispatched an ABC (Atomic-Biological-Chemical) reconnaissance vehicle to
determine what had happened. The soldiers found the man sprawled facedown, dead, a few steps
away from the gate. They turned the body over and found a large hole burnt into his stomach. The
moron had taped a piece of plutonium to his body!

Later they found a discarded nuclear waste canister on the Ukrainian side of the border. If the man
hadn’t removed the plutonium to hide under his clothing, neither the gate nor the border guards would
have spotted what he was carrying, and he would still be alive today... but perhaps others would not.

------------------------

(January 2002, Croatia) A Croatian was killed while trying to open a hand grenade with a chainsaw. He
wanted to retrieve the explosive to make firecrackers for the New Year’s holiday.

Yeah! The Ukrain story is funny... I believe that happened a while back... Because my grandpa has told me a story along those lines.

And yeah, lets open up a grenade with a chainsaw!!! Damn that guy is smart.

:rolleyes:

This one is just classic.

(21 December 1992, North Carolina)
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

LOL! Guns...they should just get rid of them entirely then we wouldnt have these accidents anymore...

Ok. One last hurrah before I leave.

Eh, I didn't like those as much as the other ones. Maybe I'm just not in the mood for stupid people. *shrugs*

Back from Sweden and ready with some more
 

First, read this and make sure to read the text first before taking a good look at the picture. Trust me on this one. You won't regret it.

And here's the one story for today's update. Don't worry, though. I'm going to be updating the "Stupidest things ever said" topic for the first time in a long time now.

Four 17-year-old boys in Gillingham, Kent, England, hid some alcohol and munchies in a loft. They decided it was time to have a party when one of the boys' mothers went out of town. "We went up to get the food and drink from our loft after we had stashed it there because we didn't want our parents to find out," said one. Then they realized they couldn't get out, and the boy's mother wasn't due back for four days. They pushed and pushed on the trap door, but couldn't get it to budge. After 17 hours locked in the loft ("All we had was snacks and drinks to last us all that time") one of the lads got the bright idea to pull on the door, rather than push as they had done for 17 hours. It opened easily. (London Times)

:lol: Oh that was a good one... both of them :lol:

I once ate dog ****

:wtf:



:errr:



:Puke:



:errr:



:wtf:

Another man died while trying to open a grenade with a saw. This time, he was doing it because he was curious to know what was inside. As a sidenote, pathologists examining his body noted very little brain matter in his head.

------------------------------------------

A parachute instructor was videotaping the lessons he was giving to a group of trainees. He had attached the video camera to his helmet so that it would capture the entire day of instruction. The group of enthusiastic beginners went up in the plane, and the instructor led them through preparations for the jump.

When they reached the jump site, the students and instructor jumped from the plane, tape still running. A few minutes later, the instructor realized that he had been so focused on preparing his trainees for the jump, which needed to be perfect for the sake of the videotaped lesson, that he had forgotten to strap on his own parachute.

All but the last ten feet of his fall was recorded by the camera. The very last part of the tape was destroyed by the impact.

------------------------------------------

(July 2002, Romania) Forget posted train schedules! Like an American Indian listening for horses in an old Western, a Romanian man placed his ear against the tracks to listen for the arrival of a train scheduled to stop at his station. Instead, the 46-year-old man was hit by an express train, and died instantly from head trauma.

------------------------------------------

(June 2002, Georgia) An EMT in southern Georgia was part of the unit that responded to a call from Coffee County late one night. They arrived on the scene and found a severely injured man lying at the edge of a field. His stomach had been completely torn open, and he was covered with lacerations and bruises. He also had a prominent tire tread across his chest.

The injured man's companion showed up in a racing model ATV vehicle, clearly intoxicated, and gave the following account. Imagine this tale being recited in a deep Georgian accent.

He and his injured friend had been drinkin' and ridin' around the field on the three-wheeled ATV, when they sighted a stand of deer in their headlights. The friend, riding the back as a passenger, was struck with a great idea. "Hey man," he said, "If you quarter off one a those deer, betcha I can bulldog 'im." The driver thought this was an entertaining idea, so he proceeded to isolate a buck and race him down.

His intoxicated passenger proceeded to leap from the ATV, grab the buck by the antlers, and perform an excellent example of this rodeo sport. He pinned the animal's head to the ground, but that's when things went wrong. The buck, less docile than a steer, simply got up, threw his head back, and tore his assailant's belly open. The deer then proceeded to stomp, kick, and butt him for good measure.

The EMTs noticed that this information accounted all of the injuries except one. When they asked the driver about the tire track across his injured friend's chest, he responded: "Well how else was I s'posed to git the deer off 'im?"

------------------------------------------

This story just makes me cringe:

A friend of mine was stepping out of the shower one day, when his wife's small dog wandered into the bathroom. My friend loves to tease this dog, and having nothing at hand with which to tease, he grabbed his penis and began waving it at the dog.

The dog leapt up and caught the offending member in its mouth and held on for a moment, its entire weight suspended by my friend’s organ. Needless to say, this was extremely painful, and the resulting anguished scream scared the dog so badly that it let go and ran for dear life. The dog was found, much later, still hiding beneath the bed.

Did I mention that the dog had sharp teeth? Apparently they were sharp enough to go all the way through my friend’s penis. Since they had punctured some well-vascularized tissue, he began to bleed profusely. Dizzy and scared, he drove himself to the emergency room.

When the nurse asked what the problem was, he tried to get away with telling her that he had a rather embarrassing injury and needed to see a doctor. Nothing doing! The nurse assured him that she had heard everything, and he must to tell her exactly what had happened so she could triage him appropriately.

Once he explained the situation, she handled it quickly and professionally, putting him in a private room with only a slight smile and a stifled laugh.

After treatment and testing to ensure that nothing vital was irreparably damaged, the doctor admonished him to be more careful, and my friend made his way home to wait for his wife, and explain to her how he had come to be injured. Luckily, he ended up with nothing more than an unusual scar and some painful memories, although he came damn close (well the dog did) to eliminating any chance at contributing to the gene pool.

------------------------------------------

(May 2002, Pakistan) Usually it's the criminal, not the judge, who attempts to take himself out of the gene pool. But not in this twist of a familiar tale! A man accused of possessing a hand grenade challenged police to produce it at his trial. When the police brought the grenade into the courtroom, the defendant claimed it was not real. The judge absentmindedly took the grenade in his hand while listening to arguments -- and pulled the pin! He was injured, but survived, no doubt with improved judgment.