Stupidest things ever said

[Xantar]

Warning: don't read all of these at one sitting. These quotes are best taken a few at a time. I suggest just reading one of the sections, then going away for a while and coming back to read another section when you need cheering up.

Stupidest Things Ever Said by Democrats

"I cook ocassionally just to see how easy women's work is."
--Tip O'Neill (representative from Massachusetts, 1953-1986)

"The Gulf War was like teenage sex. We got in too soon and out too soon."
--Tom Harkin (senator from Iowa, 1985-)

"I stay out of their way at Kmart."
--Willie Brown (mayor of San Francisco), 1996-), asked what he did to help the poor.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"I just have no firsthand experience."
--Al Gore, when asked whether today's young women are too promiscuous.

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
--Marion Barry (former mayor of Washington, DC)

Stupidest Things Ever Said by Republicans

"I'll hire blacks as long as they can do the cotton-pickin' job."
--Evan Mecham (governor of Arizona, 1987-1988)

"We're never said to the press that Clinton is a philandering, pot-smoking draft dodger."
--Mary Matalin (1992 Bush deputy campaign manager)

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make the unsafe."
--Frank Rizzo (mayor of Philadelphia, 1972-1980)

"Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25."
--Mary Anne Tebedo (Colorado state senator, 1989-)

"We have every mixture you can have. I have a woman, two Jews, and a cripple."
--James Watt (Secretary of the Interior, 1981-1983), describing an Interior Department advisory group.

Special Dan Quayle Section

time for the human race to enter the solar system.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle on the concept of a manned mission to Mars.

It's the best book I've certainly read. And he goes through it; he starts around the turn of the century up through Vietnam. And it's a very good historical book about history.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle on Paul Johnson's `Modern Times' (Playboy, 1/93)

May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card.

Add one little bit on the end... Think of `potatoe', how's it spelled? You're right phonetically, but what else...? There ya go... all right!
-- Vice President Dan Quayle correcting a student's correct spelling of the word `potato' during a spelling bee at an elementary school in Trenton.

I should have caught the mistake on that spelling bee card. But as Mark Twain once said, `You should never trust a man who has only one way to spell a word'.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, actually quoting from President Andrew Jackson.

I should have remembered that was Andrew Jackson who said that, since he got his nickname `Stonewall' by vetoing bills passed by Congress.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, confusing Andrew Jackson with Confederate General Thomas J. `Stonewall' Jackson, who actually got his nickname at the first Battle of Bull Run.

We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

I have made good judgments in the Past.
I have made good judgments in the Future.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

[i]More Dan Quayle goodness to come in this topic

Special Yogi Berra Section

"It ain't over 'til it's over "

"Never answer an anonymous letter"

" I usually take a two hour nap from one to four"

" It's deja vu all over again"

" When you come to a fork in the road....Take it "

" I didn't really say everything I said "

" You can observe a lot by watching "

When asked what time is was......" you mean now?"

At Yogi Berra day in St Louis 1947 " I want to thank you for making this day necessary"

" If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be "

Yogi on the 1969 NY Mets....." overwhelming underdogs "

" If the people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them "

On why NY lost the 1960 series to Pittsburgh " We made to many wrong mistakes"

" The future ain't what it used to be "

" It gets late early out here"

[Revival]

LMAO! I love those Dan Quayle ones.. he is such a moron, but is so funny!

[Gamer]

LOL. It gets late early out here...lol:D

[Ginkasa]

I found those unintelligent quotes to be extremely humorous...

[Jason1]

When asked what time is was......" you mean now?"



I love it.

[Xantar]

Oh yeah, I'm going to update this topic every week. I'm trying to make it a regular mainstay of the Black Project Forum. So every Monday, I'm going to put up some more quotes. I can probably keep it going for a long time. There are a lot of stupid quotes out there.

[N8]

Special Al Gore Section

"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the internet."

[gekko]

Why no Ventura section?

[Blackmane]

Lol, this is funny stuff. I used to have a long list of dumb Al Gore quotes, you should put some of those up if you have any. I can't remember most of them.

[Cyrax9]

" It's deja vu all over again"

This is my favorite! You still need a section for President George . Bush, Al gore, and former president Bill Clinton.

The Dan Quayle ones were also great.

[Ridley]

"The future is coming" - Gamemaster2002 (plus many others)

j/k if you can read this Gamemaster :D

[Xantar]

Bah. I can't wait until Monday to post this one. Maybe I'll post another section later this week, too. We'll see how much time I get.

Special lawyer section

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court
records nationwide.

1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in
most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about
it until the next morning?

3) Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify
me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6) Were you alone or by yourself.

7) How long have you been a French Canadian?

8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14) So you were gone until you returned?

15) Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like,
but can you describe it?

17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a
stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like
to strike the next question."

20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body
of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy!

[Revival]

http://shooterad.netfirms.com/rofl.gif

Those are awesome Xantar..

[BreakABone]

Well damn Xanny those are funnie as hell.. Here are some sports one taken from my site...


We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
-Basketball player Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert

"It's almost like we have ESPN."
-Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during
his visit to Greece.

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to
be an uncle or an aunt."
-Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at
practice, 1982.

"Tom."
-Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when
asked how he pronounced his name, 1966.

"I'll always be Number 1 to myself."
-Moses Malone

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
-Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

[Joeiss]

Hahaha!!! Those are hillarious, BAB! "I don't know if I'll be an uncle or an aunt"!!!!!

:lol:

[Revival]

:lol:

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during
his visit to Greece.

[Blackmane]

Haha, I can barely stop laughing!

I just found some Al Gore quotes, here goes.

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all live in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"We're all capable of making mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

"One word sums up the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"We're going to have the best-educated Americans in the world."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."

"A lower voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

[Xantar]

Erm...Blackmane, a lot of those Al Gore quotes were actually spoken by Dan Quayle. :hmm:

That kind of thing happens a lot, actually. A lot of people attributed Quaylisms to George W. Bush. Our president makes verbal slip ups, but he doesn't sink as low as our former Vice President.

[Cyrax9]

Originally posted by Xantar
Bah. I can't wait until Monday to post this one. Maybe I'll post another section later this week, too. We'll see how much time I get.

Special lawyer section


12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?


17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body
of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy!

I've seen these before, and they are my three favorites.

[Xantar]

Stupidest Newspaper Headlines

1.*Something Went Wrong in Plane Crash, Expert Says
2.*Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3.*Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
4.*Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5.*Stud Tires Out
6.*Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
7.*British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
8.*Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
9.*Eye Drops off Shelf
10.*Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11.*Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
12.*War Dims Hope for Peace
13.*Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
14.*Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
15.*Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
16.*Miners Refuse to Work after Death
17.*Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
18.*Stolen Painting Found by Tree
19.*Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
20.*Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
21.*Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
22.*If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
23.*Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
24.*Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
25.*Deer Kill 17,000
26.*Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
27.*Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
28.*New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
29.*Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
30.*Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
31.*Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
32.*Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
33.*British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
34.*Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
35.*Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
36.*Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
37.*New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
38.*Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
39.*Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
40.*Air Head Fired
41.*Clock Thief Faces Time
42.*Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
43.*Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
44.*Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
45.*Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
46.*Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
47.*Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
48.*Include your Children when Baking Cookies
49. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Next week: more Dan Quayle goodness.

[Xantar]

I missed last week's issue, so I'm going to make up for it by posting a double issue of stupidity today. Enjoy!

Special classified ads section

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale; and antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mr. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

More Dan Quayle goodness

Great American sport. Horseshoes is a very great game. I love it.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 4/5/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

I'm not so sure that I will miss Johnny Carson, but Johnny Carson will miss me.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle (reported in the Houston Chronicle, 5/22/92 - taken from The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, in a speech to the American Society of Newspaper Editors, April 1991

My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will never, never surrender to what is right.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle speaking to the Christian Coalition about the need for abstinence to avoid AIDS, 11/15/91 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

This isn't a man who is leaving with his head between his legs.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle discussing John Sununu's resignation and apparent lack of flexibility, 12/6/91

I'm glad you asked me that. This gives me the perfect opportunity to talk about the problems with this Congress...
-- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to reporters' questions about his use of Air force 2 to go on golf trips at the cost of $26,000/hour.

We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, (USA Today 4/22/92 - taken from The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)

I've been told to keep my remarks relatively brief. I understand Quayle-hunting season begins at noon.
-- Senator Dan Quayle to a crowd in Eau Claire, Wisc. (LA Times 10/16/88)

[Xantar]

Thank you for reading so far. Next week, I'm going to try to dig up some more Dan Quayle goodness for you guys. In the meantime, enjoy these little tidbits I've found.

The following are real warnings found either on labels or in computer programs or on road signs.

Swedish Chainsaw
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

Various Computers
Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Unknown Hair Coloring
Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Rowenta Iron
Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.

Unknown Road, Clemson, SC
Caution water on road during rain.

McDonald's in Johnson City, NY
Parking for drive-thru service only

Jefferson City, Missouri High School Football Field
Public Property, Keep out!

Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH
Road Closed. Use Sidewalk.

Unknown High School Training Room Door, Arlington, TX
Push handle down. Push door in.

South Side of San Antonio, TX
Cemetery Road. Dead End

Unknown Birth Control Pills
Do not use if you are pregnant, intend to become pregnant, or might be pregnant.

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

Komatsu Floodlight
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark

Unknown Mattress
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow

Unknown Matches
Caution: Contents may catch fire.

And the worst part about many of these is they were probably put on the product because somebody actually did attempt to swallow a mattress (for instance), got really hurt in the process and sued successfully so that the company is forced to put a warning label on the product.

To top it off, here are some names of real bands.

Barbantuan Gigantlanic Hugemungus
Buns 'n' Doses
Captain Artichoke and the Electric Sex Aardvarks
Decent Exposer
The Four Skins
GWAR (Stands for God What an Awful Racket)
King Missle Dog Fly Religion (yes, it's actually spelled that way)
The Most Anal-Retentive Director In The History of Cinema

[Jason1]

Har Har! Good one's! Here is one I heard On HEADLINES on Jay Leno.

Its an ad for a shop vac.

Warning: Do not insert Penis:p