Neo
02-18-2002, 12:59 PM
The following article was written a few years ago by Rhoan Wynar. He was a physics grad student while I was doing my undergrad work. Regardless of whether you agree with his viewpoints, his articles make for entertaining reading.
We attended two lectures this weekend that left us praying to God in heaven that the second-hand stupidity emitted by the planaria worm colony pretending to be an audience would not have any lasting effect on our health.
In the first lecture, author, radio personality, metaphysics educator and alien abductee Robert Perala filled us in on the contents of his new book, "The Divine Blueprint", available now at Barnes and Noble. If you roll up greed, self-delusion and shamelessness in a single pita bread, than you have just constructed Perala's brain. He is the first person ever to use the word "frequency" as a verb. "IBM is developing a device that can frequency your lunch from one part of the world to another," he said during his warning to the audience that humankind is not yet ready for this dangerously-advanced teleportation technology.
Perala believes that he is visited by semi-transparent aliens from the Pleidies or Sirius during the night. These visitations began when he was a child and culminated in a physical abduction during which he was covered in a honey-like fluid and provided an implant for some unknown purpose. "The Earth is about to be birthed into the Big Picture," he promised. This means that suddenly, sometime soon, we will biologically merge with alien races. These aliens are here taking samples and selecting people to be "emissaries."
Perala believes that aliens have control of the media and have been "preparing us" by promoting science fiction movies and journalism of the "Alien Autopsy" sort. Of course, all rational people know that the reverse situation is more likely: our science fiction culture has created a population of people who will believe anything.
Perala does not seem to be aware that every crop circle ever made has been a hoax. He insists that they are formed in two seconds by a blinding flash of light. He did not explain why the aliens prefer to signal us by vandalizing English farms rather than use advanced telecommunications technology, like radios.
Perala spoke with a flash that was somewhere between an Amway salesman and a Saturday Night Live skit. He even got all choked up. "If you could only know the things that I have seen," he sobbed, but then recovered a split second later - an obviously over-reheased transition.
As with all great fruitcakes, Perala promises a revolution in our perception of the world. We hope all Texan readers will heed this advice: anyone who predicts a revolution in any form should immediately be viewed with deep suspicion and defensive contempt. We have never observed a single exception to this empirical rule.
Also, for our homosexual readers, we spent a half hour at a lecture called "The Metaphysics of Being Gay," delivered by a sincere but wacky guy named Kurt Wagner. Metaphysics is the systematic investigation of "first principles" and the philosophical examination of ultimate reality. It is a fascinating subject that is legitimately studied by philosophers all over the world. We did not know, however, that it shed light on being gay.
Basically, explains Wagner, it boils down to the fact that the sixth chakra, also known as the third eye, opens prematurely in gay boys. This causes them to "leave their body" and live life as a "split personality." Here begins the problems coping with a cold and non-understanding straight world.
Always anxious to give people the benefit of the doubt, we asked Wagner, "Are you using chakras metaphorically to make a point about the psychological factors that affect the gay community, or do you actually believe real chakras exist and their qualities define our personality?
He replied: "I use them as a metaphor." Surprised and pleased by this, we were ready to put Wagner in the "O.K. guy" category, but then he hastily added, "but this table is a metaphor, the room is a metaphor, and even you are a metaphor." Having already let our guard down, Wagner's uppercut of meaningless drivel hit us like a sucker punch, leaving us feeling lost and betrayed, as though Hope, emerging carefully from Pandora's box, was squashed and killed by a reckless driver.
Wagner did bring to light the interesting fact that the Dalai Lama refused to recognize the Gay Buddhist fellowship as a legitimate Buddhist Fellowship, providing more evidence that Eastern religions are just as discriminatory and hate-filled as the Western ones.
Talk like these pop up all over Austin, and intelligent people, who normally wouldn't attend, should go every now and then, as long as the events are free. This will make sure that someone is there to ask the obvious questions, like, "Why do the aliens only visit you when you are asleep?" and "Why am I a metaphor?"
We attended two lectures this weekend that left us praying to God in heaven that the second-hand stupidity emitted by the planaria worm colony pretending to be an audience would not have any lasting effect on our health.
In the first lecture, author, radio personality, metaphysics educator and alien abductee Robert Perala filled us in on the contents of his new book, "The Divine Blueprint", available now at Barnes and Noble. If you roll up greed, self-delusion and shamelessness in a single pita bread, than you have just constructed Perala's brain. He is the first person ever to use the word "frequency" as a verb. "IBM is developing a device that can frequency your lunch from one part of the world to another," he said during his warning to the audience that humankind is not yet ready for this dangerously-advanced teleportation technology.
Perala believes that he is visited by semi-transparent aliens from the Pleidies or Sirius during the night. These visitations began when he was a child and culminated in a physical abduction during which he was covered in a honey-like fluid and provided an implant for some unknown purpose. "The Earth is about to be birthed into the Big Picture," he promised. This means that suddenly, sometime soon, we will biologically merge with alien races. These aliens are here taking samples and selecting people to be "emissaries."
Perala believes that aliens have control of the media and have been "preparing us" by promoting science fiction movies and journalism of the "Alien Autopsy" sort. Of course, all rational people know that the reverse situation is more likely: our science fiction culture has created a population of people who will believe anything.
Perala does not seem to be aware that every crop circle ever made has been a hoax. He insists that they are formed in two seconds by a blinding flash of light. He did not explain why the aliens prefer to signal us by vandalizing English farms rather than use advanced telecommunications technology, like radios.
Perala spoke with a flash that was somewhere between an Amway salesman and a Saturday Night Live skit. He even got all choked up. "If you could only know the things that I have seen," he sobbed, but then recovered a split second later - an obviously over-reheased transition.
As with all great fruitcakes, Perala promises a revolution in our perception of the world. We hope all Texan readers will heed this advice: anyone who predicts a revolution in any form should immediately be viewed with deep suspicion and defensive contempt. We have never observed a single exception to this empirical rule.
Also, for our homosexual readers, we spent a half hour at a lecture called "The Metaphysics of Being Gay," delivered by a sincere but wacky guy named Kurt Wagner. Metaphysics is the systematic investigation of "first principles" and the philosophical examination of ultimate reality. It is a fascinating subject that is legitimately studied by philosophers all over the world. We did not know, however, that it shed light on being gay.
Basically, explains Wagner, it boils down to the fact that the sixth chakra, also known as the third eye, opens prematurely in gay boys. This causes them to "leave their body" and live life as a "split personality." Here begins the problems coping with a cold and non-understanding straight world.
Always anxious to give people the benefit of the doubt, we asked Wagner, "Are you using chakras metaphorically to make a point about the psychological factors that affect the gay community, or do you actually believe real chakras exist and their qualities define our personality?
He replied: "I use them as a metaphor." Surprised and pleased by this, we were ready to put Wagner in the "O.K. guy" category, but then he hastily added, "but this table is a metaphor, the room is a metaphor, and even you are a metaphor." Having already let our guard down, Wagner's uppercut of meaningless drivel hit us like a sucker punch, leaving us feeling lost and betrayed, as though Hope, emerging carefully from Pandora's box, was squashed and killed by a reckless driver.
Wagner did bring to light the interesting fact that the Dalai Lama refused to recognize the Gay Buddhist fellowship as a legitimate Buddhist Fellowship, providing more evidence that Eastern religions are just as discriminatory and hate-filled as the Western ones.
Talk like these pop up all over Austin, and intelligent people, who normally wouldn't attend, should go every now and then, as long as the events are free. This will make sure that someone is there to ask the obvious questions, like, "Why do the aliens only visit you when you are asleep?" and "Why am I a metaphor?"