Joeiss
03-10-2003, 10:27 PM
A letter to the London Observer from Monty Python's
Terry Jones Sunday, January 26, 2003
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for
bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am
I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with
Mr. Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the
street.
Well, him and Mr. Patel, who runs the health food
shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr.
Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far
I haven't been able to discover what.
I've been round to his place a few times to see what
he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden.
That's how devious he is. As for Mr. Patel, don't ask
me how I know, I just know -- from very good sources
-- that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have
leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act
first, he'll pick us off one by one.
Some of my neighbors say, if I've got proof, why don't
I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The
police will say that they need evidence of a crime
with which to charge my neighbors. They'll come up
with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights
and wrongs of a preemptive strike and all the while
Mr. Johnson will be finalizing his plans to do
terrible things to me while Mr. Patel will be secretly
murdering people.
Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent
range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to
keep the peace. But until recently that's been a
little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has
made it clear that all I need to do is run out of
patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I
want!
And let's face it, Mr. Bush's carefully thought-out
policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about
international peace and security. The one certain way
to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers
targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim
countries that have never threatened us. That's why I
want to blow up Mr. Johnson's garage and kill his wife
and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a
lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering
at me in that totally unacceptable way.
Mr. Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know
before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty
man and that he has weapons of mass destruction --
even if he can't find them. I'm certain I've just as
much justification for killing Mr. Johnson's wife and
children as Mr. Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr. Bush's
long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by
eliminating "rogue states" and "terrorism."
It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you
ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr. Bush
know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every
single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist
is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of
terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the
ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the
known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have
already eliminated themselves.
Perhaps Mr. Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could
possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure
he's achieved his objective until every Muslim
fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate
Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the
only really safe thing to do would be for Mr. Bush to
eliminate all Muslims? It's the same in my street.
Mr. Johnson and Mr. Patel are just the tip of the
iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the
street who I don't like and who -- quite frankly --
look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe
until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be
going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same
logic as the President of the United States. That
shuts her up.
Like Mr. Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's
a good enough reason for the President, it's good
enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two
weeks -- no, 10 days -- to come out in the open and
hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers,
galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist
masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely
and say "Thank you," I'm going to bomb the entire
street to kingdom come. It's just as sane as what
George W. Bush is proposing -- and, in contrast to
what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one
street.
Sincerely,
Terry Jones
Terry Jones Sunday, January 26, 2003
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for
bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am
I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with
Mr. Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the
street.
Well, him and Mr. Patel, who runs the health food
shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr.
Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far
I haven't been able to discover what.
I've been round to his place a few times to see what
he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden.
That's how devious he is. As for Mr. Patel, don't ask
me how I know, I just know -- from very good sources
-- that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have
leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act
first, he'll pick us off one by one.
Some of my neighbors say, if I've got proof, why don't
I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The
police will say that they need evidence of a crime
with which to charge my neighbors. They'll come up
with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights
and wrongs of a preemptive strike and all the while
Mr. Johnson will be finalizing his plans to do
terrible things to me while Mr. Patel will be secretly
murdering people.
Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent
range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to
keep the peace. But until recently that's been a
little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has
made it clear that all I need to do is run out of
patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I
want!
And let's face it, Mr. Bush's carefully thought-out
policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about
international peace and security. The one certain way
to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers
targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim
countries that have never threatened us. That's why I
want to blow up Mr. Johnson's garage and kill his wife
and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a
lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering
at me in that totally unacceptable way.
Mr. Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know
before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty
man and that he has weapons of mass destruction --
even if he can't find them. I'm certain I've just as
much justification for killing Mr. Johnson's wife and
children as Mr. Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr. Bush's
long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by
eliminating "rogue states" and "terrorism."
It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you
ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr. Bush
know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every
single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist
is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of
terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the
ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the
known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have
already eliminated themselves.
Perhaps Mr. Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could
possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure
he's achieved his objective until every Muslim
fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate
Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the
only really safe thing to do would be for Mr. Bush to
eliminate all Muslims? It's the same in my street.
Mr. Johnson and Mr. Patel are just the tip of the
iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the
street who I don't like and who -- quite frankly --
look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe
until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be
going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same
logic as the President of the United States. That
shuts her up.
Like Mr. Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's
a good enough reason for the President, it's good
enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two
weeks -- no, 10 days -- to come out in the open and
hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers,
galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist
masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely
and say "Thank you," I'm going to bomb the entire
street to kingdom come. It's just as sane as what
George W. Bush is proposing -- and, in contrast to
what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one
street.
Sincerely,
Terry Jones