A few jokes I found funny

[fingersman]

Well a few jokes I got in my email
Hope you guys enjoy

A married couple is driving (55m/h) down the interstate. The wife
looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases to 60m/h.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up to 70 m/h.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving
faster and faster, speeding to 80 m/h.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer towards a bridge, as she says,
"Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 m/h, "I've
got the airbag!"


A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the
opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window
and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells,
"B!T#H!!"
They each continue on their way and as the man rounds the next curve, he
crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
If only
men would listen.


A heart-warming story of the advances of women in achieving equality
Through out the world....

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years
before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said: "This is marvelous.
Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?
"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

[Revival]

Man, the first one was great :lol:

[Perfect Stu]

heh heh.....land mines.....

here's a joke:

A Canadian guy is walking down the street with a case of beer. His friend, Doug, walks up to him and says: "Hey Bob, what'd ya get that beer for eh?" and then Bob says: "Oh, I got it for my wife..." and then Doug says "Pretty good trade"

;)

[fingersman]

Originally posted by Perfect Stu
heh heh.....land mines.....

here's a joke:

A Canadian guy is walking down the street with a case of beer. His friend, Doug, walks up to him and says: "Hey Bob, what'd ya get that beer for eh?" and then Bob says: "Oh, I got it for my wife..." and then Doug says "Pretty good trade"

;)


Hehehe

That was a nice one.
I think I'll post a few more jokes later.

[Happydude]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

good ones...

[ghettodude]

I got one.. its really racist though.. so if you find it offensive.. umm... just rearrange the races to your choice ;)

A Canadian guy, A Italian guy, A Pakistani guy, and a Chinese guy are on a boat which begins to sink due to being over weight..

quickly.. the Italian guy starts throwing all of his pasta off the boat.. at this everyone looks at him and asks "why are you throwing the lasagna off the boat?!"

he responds "itsa ok-a! i have got-a lots-a pasta back-a home!"

at this the chinese guy starts throwing sacks of rice off the boat... at this everyone looks at him and asks "why are you throwing all the rice off the boat!?!"

he responds "its ok. lots of rice back home. no need."

at this the pakistani guy starts throwing all his curry off the boat... everyone looks at him and asks "we dont have much food left. why are you throwing that off the boat?!"

he responds "its ok. lots of curry back at home. dont worry"

at this the canadian guy throws the paki guy off the boat. everyone looks at him and asks "why did you throw him off the boat?"

he responds "its ok.. we have enough of them back home..."

[BlueFire]

LOL, nice one, ghetto... :p

[fingersman]

Originally posted by ghettodude
I got one.. its really racist though.. so if you find it offensive.. umm... just rearrange the races to your choice ;)

A Canadian guy, A Italian guy, A Pakistani guy, and a Chinese guy are on a boat which begins to sink due to being over weight..

quickly.. the Italian guy starts throwing all of his pasta off the boat.. at this everyone looks at him and asks "why are you throwing the lasagna off the boat?!"

he responds "itsa ok-a! i have got-a lots-a pasta back-a home!"

at this the chinese guy starts throwing sacks of rice off the boat... at this everyone looks at him and asks "why are you throwing all the rice off the boat!?!"

he responds "its ok. lots of rice back home. no need."

at this the pakistani guy starts throwing all his curry off the boat... everyone looks at him and asks "we dont have much food left. why are you throwing that off the boat?!"

he responds "its ok. lots of curry back at home. dont worry"

at this the canadian guy throws the paki guy off the boat. everyone looks at him and asks "why did you throw him off the boat?"

he responds "its ok.. we have enough of them back home..."

Shucks I was going to post a joke just like that.
*goes to find more jokes*

[Happydude]

ohh, ohh, ohhh...i got one...racist a little though...


An american, a canadian, and a chinese guy meet up at the CN Tower...the american tells the canadian and the chinese that whenever he goes to the top of the tower, there is some sort of magic that allows him to fly. the canadian and the chinese didn't beleive him, and asked for him to show him.

they all went up to the top of the tower, and the american jumped, a few seconds later he flew back up. the chinese said "WHOA! let me try!". he then jumped off, and a few seconds later they heard a "SPLAT". the canadian then tells the american..."You really are a jerk, Superman!" :D


i kinda forgot it...but thats about how it goes...:unsure:

[Jin]

Lol. The one about the divorce, and Kuwait were great! :lol:

Here's one I remember, but it's pretty old...

There were 5 passengers on a plane about to crash in the Pacific. The passengers were Hillary Clinton, The Pope, Kobe Bryant, George Bush, and a boyscout. There was enough time to escape, but the problem was that there were only 4 parachutes.

Kobe Bryant said, "I'm famous and the city of Los Angeles is depending on me to make 3 pointers." So Kobe took the first parachute and jumped off.

Next George Bush said, "I would give it up, but I'm the president and I have to lead a nation." Soon George got the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

Afterwards Hillary Clinton grabbed one and said, "I'm more important than you guys, because I'm the former first lady, now a senator, and also the smartest women on earth!" She jumped out of the plane laughing at the 2 others.

Now only The Pope and the boyscout were left. The pope said, "I'm an old man and since I'm a Christian, it's my duty to give it to you."

"You don't need to stay onboard, the boyscout said, the smartest women on earth just took my backpack."

[Angrist]

:D:D Never heard that one! :D

I have some good ones... I'm just not sure if I can tell them in English... I'll try though... no wait, I'll look for it on the internet.
This will have to do for the moment:

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and decided to go shopping with her friend and rival, Christina Aguilera. A few hours later she came out and realizes she had locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do.
Finally, Britney looked off into the distance and saw storm cloud. She turned to her friend and said," Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the top open!"

[fingersman]

Here's another one I found extremely funny.


A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After some more to drink he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, "you must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!"

And the husband returned "actually I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had a whale of a time"


:D

Oh yeah the next one is a bit one a riddle....hehehehehe...I wonder how people will understand this one.

Many many years ago

when I was twenty three,

I got married to a widow

who was pretty as could be.



This widow had a grown-up daughter

who had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,

and soon the two were wed.



This made my dad my son-in-law

And changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,

For she was my father's wife.



To complicate the matters worse,

Although it brought me joy,

I soon became the father

Of a bouncing baby boy.



My little baby then became

A brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,

Though it made me very sad.



For if he was my uncle,


Then that also made him brother

To the widow's grown-up daughter

Who, of course, was my step-mother.



Father's wife then had a son,

Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,

For he was my daughter's son.



My wife is now my mother's mother

And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,

She is my grandma too.



If my wife is my grandmother,

Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,

It simply drives me wild.



For now I have become

The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,

I am my own grandpa.

[Angrist]

Nice first one, the second one is :unsure:... when your dad marries a woman other than your mother, she doesn't become your mother, but your steph-mother.

[fingersman]

But she is still your mom..... just not the biological one. :D

[marionette]

the last one you had, fingersman, confused the hell out of me ;)

[Bond]

Wow, these jokes are hilarious guys. Keep up the great work.

[Gamer]

LOL, these are some sweet jokes, ill try to think of some good ones and post em later....

but while you wait, here is one...

A guy goes into a bar and has a drink, then the bartender comes up and askes him if he wants to participate in a contest they were putting on, he could win 100$. The guy asks what he has to do, The bartender says, First you have to go beat up the big guy in the corner. Second you have to go and rip a tooth out of the dogs mouth out back, and third you have to go make love to the fat womenin the other corner. There is one more thing, the bartender said, you have to take 3 ****s of vodca before you go, then another three after every thing.

So the guy goes into the corner and beats the crap out of the guy, then he goes back to the counter and takes the shots, then takes off again. He comes back about 10 minutes later and says "geeze she was a friski one, now where is the fat women whos teeth i have to pull."


:D

[The Germanator]

Warning: This joke may be offensive to some religious types and mods can edit it if they feel they have to...



Q:So, what's the difference between a priest and acne?
A: One doesn't come on your face until you are 13...(badum ching!)

[Revival]

Ohhh! That is a good one Germanator! :lol:

[Perfect Stu]

Originally posted by The Germanator
Warning: This joke may be offensive to some religious types and mods can edit it if they feel they have to...



Q:So, what's the difference between a priest and acne?
A: One doesn't come on your face until you are 13...(badum ching!)

oooooo...low blow there...but funny

here's one, similar to Germanator's:

>WARNING: Read following at own risk...of laughing ;)<

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and McDonald's?

Not much, they both stick their meat into 10 year old buns.

:sneaky:

[Perfect Stu]

Here's another one:

A man walks into a saloon and gets informed that they're holding a contest. You pay $5, and try to make this horse laugh. If you make the horse laugh, you earn the collection money. So the man enters the contest, and the bartender says "Good luck. No one's ever succeeded. *belly laugh*" The man walks up to the horse, whispers somthing into its ear, and the horse, surprisingly, laughs hysterically. The bartender is perplexed, but gives the bucket of money to the man nonetheless.

A week later, the same man returns to the bar, and is told by the bartender that there's another contest. This time, you have to make the horse cry. The man said, "sure, I'll enter" and walked up to the horse. A few seconds later, the horse cried. "Okay, how did you do that?" asked the bartender. "Well, to make him laugh," the man said, "I told him that my penis was larger than his. To make him cry, I showed him it."

*rimshot*

[Revival]

LMAO! Good one Stu :lol:

[fingersman]

Nice one STU. :D

Liked it I'll post another joke soon..probadly tomorrow or something. :D

[Gamer]

Haha, good one Stu.:D

[Angrist]

Originally posted by marcellee.com
thats a funny joke. do not view if u r under 18 Bye! Nice knowing you (not)!

[Perfect Stu]

sick bastard. I should kick your ass so hard you'd have to take off your hat to take a sh!t...

[jeepnut]

Originally posted by Perfect Stu
sick bastard. I should kick your ass so hard you'd have to take off your hat to take a sh!t...

I assume the post you are referring to with this got deleted?

[Perfect Stu]

Originally posted by jeepnut


I assume the post you are referring to with this got deleted?

correct-o

[marionette]

Vanilla Pudding?



This is Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March
2,1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight,their
efforts at disabling

the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who


expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables were


surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.


The robbers cracked the first safe's combination
and inside found a bowl

of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system,
one robber

said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also
contained nothing but

vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They

found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of
gold. Instead, all

the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the
robbers made

a quiet exit - each leaving with nothing more than a quesy uncomfortably
full

stomach!



The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING!







i got that in an e-mail:D

[GameMaster]

Aww man Marionette, that was a good one, rather gross, but funny! :D

This isn't really a joke just kind of a funny pick line:

Remember the company's staff picnic? Well, that wasn't mustard all around Howard's mouth... :stud: :sneaky:

[Perfect Stu]

"Your pants must have mirrors because I see myself in them!" :stud:

:sneaky:

;)

[Xantar]

I started a thread about this in the Black Project Forum and got barely any replies. :(

Oh well.

Since we seem to have a trend in toilet humor here...

A visitor to Madrid decided a nice thing to do would be to check out a good old-fashioned bullfight. It was an exciting event to be sure. The performers were highly skilled, and a good time was had by all. As our visitor was leaving the arena, he happened to notice a small restaurant nearby with delicious odors wafting out of its doors. Since he was a little hungry, he decided to grab a bite.

After he had taken a seat and made his order, he noticed another patron who was feasting on, among other things, what looked like a pair of delicious meatballs. Except these meatballs were larger than anything else this visitor had seen before. Curious, he caught the attention of the waiter and asked what the dish was.

"Oh, that's our specialty, señor," said the waiter. "The gentleman over there is eating the testicles of the bull that was killed in today's fight. It's only available once a day, and it always gets served within a minute after it's been prepared."

Now this was something truly unusual. Think of all the stories to tell people at home, the visitor thought. He had to try it—if only to find out what bull testicles taste like.

The next day, there was another bullfight, but the visitor didn't even bother watching. Instead, he waited impatiently outside the arena for signs that the fight was over. Pretty soon, the crowd's cheers had subsided and people started filing out of the arena. The visitor made a beeline for the small restaurant and immediately ordered the house specialty.

"You're in luck, señor," said the waiter. "You're the first to order our specialty today, so you will be the one to have the dish today. We've just finished preparing it."

Minutes later, the waiter served up a steaming plate of vegetables, bread and meatballs. The hungry visitor couldn't help noticing, however, that these meatballs didn't seem as big as the ones he had seen yesterday.

"Was there something wrong with the bull today?" he asked the waiter. "Why are these testicles so small?"

The waiter harrumphed and coughed before finally answering, "Eh, you see, señor, the bull does not always lose."

[Gamer]

Haha, aww sic...:D

[TheGrimReaper]

Lol good on Xantar.

Here's one:

A man takes his Long snouted long tailed short legged greyhound into a bar. He goes in and the bartender says "WHAT IT THE NAME OF SWEET MERCY IS THAT?!". The bloke says this is me long snouted long tailed short legged greyhound. He says its an ugly piece of work but it'll kill any dog and shred it to pieces. Bartender says bet it cant take on my pit bull. The BLoke says is that a fight? Bartender says, your one. Be here eight o clock tomorrow.

Eight o clock comes, and the man with the long snouted long tailed short legged greyhound comes. Everyone keeps asking him what it is, and he tells them its a long snouted long tailed short legged greyhound.

So the two animals fight, and the pit bull is absaloutely torn to piece. The bartender is shocked and goes to the bloke, whats this called? I wanna get one.

The bloke says its a long snouted long tailed short legged greyhound...







...but in Australia we call em crocodiles ;)

[fingersman]

Here's another one...I didn't want to make another thread about it. :D
It make be disgusting but funny. :D


Students at the LSU Medical School were receiving their first
anatomy class with a real dead human body. They were all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first thing is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted." The professor uncovered the body, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked his finger. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently took turns
sticking their fingers in the butt of the body and sucking their finger after withdrawing it from the rectum. When everybody was finished, the professor looked at them and told them,

"The second important quality is observation. I stuck my middle finger in and sucked my index finger.

Pay attention people!!!!!"
:D:D:p

[Revival]

HAHA! That is a good one Xantar :D

[GameMaster]

A very tall father asked his son if he wanted a special type of lollipop. The little four-year old replied, "Sure daddy," with a hint of excitment. The father then said, "Ok son, but you must first do three things: Close your eyes, open your mouth, and make a wish." The little boy did so and what followed was somewhat unexpected...

Ten minutes later the little boy walked quietly back to his room, fatigued and confused. Later that night, his mom came home from work. The little boy walked into his mother's room later that night, she was reading a book in bed. He climbed up onto her bed and asked, "hey mom, I have a special lollipop for you, would you like it?" The mom replied with no expectation for what was to follow, "Oh honey, I'd love to have a special lollipop." The little tyke told his mom what she must do first and she followed his instructions, entertained by his wanting to surprise her...

Four hours later, the boy's dad walked into the bedroom. He saw his wife complelty undressed, sprawled out on the bed alsleep and next to her lay his son with smeared lipstick all over his undressed body watching TV. The boy's shocked father asked, "Son, what happened to you and mommy?" the little four year old replied, "I gave her one of those special lollipops," he said with an unbearable innocence. :D

[Shadow_Link]

I hate to use the word, but BUMP...

I thought this thread the some of the funniest jokes ever. So enjoy!

[Ginkasa]

He, a lot better than the current joke thread :D


*laughs and walks away*

[Ice006]

I don't really get the lollipop one... apart from some disgusting innuendo, did I miss something?

[Xantar]

Poster #1: You explain it to him.

Poster #2: No, you explain it to him.

Poster #1: No way I'm explaining it to him. You do it.

Me: Ah frag it. I'll do it. Ok, Ice, it goes like this. Substitute "penis" for "lollipop."

*checks to make sure Ice006 hasn't been traumatized*

[GameMaster]

Hey, was that was a great joke or what? Thanks for ressurrecting this. :D

[Ice006]

Yeah, I know, it's just disgusting and all, but I don't get it, I mean, I was expecting some twist, like we thought it was supposed to be a penis, but in actuality is wasn't. But it was, so I assumed there would have been a 'thing' at the end that made it funny. I think they're called punch lines... or something.

[Angrist]

Yeah it wasn't funny at all.. :confused:

Hey Ice I checked your site. Nice party. :)

[GameMaster]

And where exactly in the post did I guarantee the element of funniness? When you guys get your facts straight, you may come crawling back to me to apologize for expecting something that I never said I was going to provide. Thank you and ado.

*closes briefcase and walks out the courtroom*

[Jason1]

Since obviously nobody cares about dirty jokes, here is one I posted in the Black Project forum...

Me, PerfectStu, and Joeiss are driving on the highway in the same car. We are speeding, and a cop pulls us over. He says if the combined length of all of your penis's equals at least 20 inches, he wont write us a ticket. The cops starts measuring. Mine is 10 inches, Stu's is 8 inches and Joeiss's is 2 inches. So the cops says, ''okay, that will work'' and lets us go with no ticket. So we're driving down the rode a little later and Joeiss declares ''we're lucky I had a boner!''

[Mechadragon]

Its old but oh well:
3 professors were going to study cacti in the desert. Because of the small plane that they were using, they were only allowed to bring 1 object. The first professor brought a gallon of water, in case he gets thirsty. The second professor brings sandwiches in case he gets hungry. The third professor brings a cardoor, so when it gets hot, he can just roll down the window.

[Angrist]

Originally posted by Jason1
Since obviously nobody cares about dirty jokes, here is one I posted in the Black Project forum...

Me, PerfectStu, and Joeiss are driving on the highway in the same car. We are speeding, and a cop pulls us over. He says if the combined length of all of your penis's equals at least 20 inches, he wont write us a ticket. The cops starts measuring. Mine is 10 inches, Stu's is 8 inches and Joeiss's is 2 inches. So the cops says, ''okay, that will work'' and lets us go with no ticket. So we're driving down the rode a little later and Joeiss declares ''we're lucky I had a boner!'' Good job. ;)

[fingersman]

I wondered who brought back up this thread...heheheehe..some of these jokes are side splitters.:D

and nice joke Jason1 although I heard it before


Btw I would like to point out how Jason makes sure he has the hugest gentials in his joke. :p

[Angrist]

In jokes anything is possible... ;)

[Shadow_Link]

Originally posted by fingersman
I wondered who brought back up this thread.... :p

That would be me ;).

I've got one, but I'm sure many of you have heard it before.

There's a man outside his bosses office that really needs to take a píss, and the toilet second nearest to him is up four flights of stairs. So he asks his boss if he can use the restroom in her office.

She says; 'Sure, but what ever you do, don't press the blue button'.

After relieving himself, he sees three buttons, a red button, a green button and a blue button. He pressed the red one, which acted as a bidet. The green button flushed the toilet.

After much pondering, he was anxious to see what the blue button did. He pressed it, and four hours later, he woke up in a hospital. He saw his boss, and asked her what happened.

She said; 'you pressed the blue didn't you?'.

He then replied; 'Yeah, but what does the blue button actually do?'

She then says; 'It's a tampon remover'.

:D

[Angrist]

:rolleyes:

[GameMaster]

Does that mean his pickle got plucked?

[Angrist]

*slaps GameMaster in the face*
Sorry, I'm really not the physical type... I did it for you... :unsure:

[GameMaster]

*slaps Angrist across the face*

That's for not keeping your classic avatar.

[Ice006]

Ok. A boring joke that I did find kind of funny at the time.

An RSPCA (or other animal rights group) officer (or whatever they're called) is driving down the street, and sees a small group of children using a large dog to pull along their billy-cart. The dude stops his car, and gets out to have a closer look. He walks over to the kids, and asks them what they're doing. The oldest kid says "We're just using Tyson to pull along our cart. He's a strong dog, and he's having as much fun as we are. Just look at him!". The guy looks over, and the dog's standing there, looking happy enough, tail wagging away. The guy says "Well, I guess you're right, but I'm going to have to get you to remove the string tied around his testicles". The kid in the cart says "Damn! There go our brakes!".

[sdtPikachu]

Not exactly a joke, but I laughed my donkey off. (http://home.attbi.com/~mcclint/Muppets-NWA.mp4)

You'll need quicktime or some other MP4 compatible video player to watch it.

[Ginkasa]

Usually I find things like that (the muppet thing) hilarious but that wasn't funny at all....


Maybe I'm just in a bad mood or something...

[Xantar]

I have Quicktime, and it didn't work. :confused:

It'll be hard to top Metal Pr0n Solid, though. I used it on my friends whenever they need a good laugh.

Edit: never mind, it worked. But I had to open it within Quicktime.

[Ice006]

It had better be worth the 8 minute download!

Edit: That time quickly jumped up to 14 minutes though... and I have a piece of advice that I came up with on the train (I think I came up with it anyway...), which is both funny, yet useful.

Just because someone is wearing headphones, it doesn't mean they can't smell your farts.

[GameMaster]

Originally posted by Ice006
I have a piece of advice that I came up with on the train (I think I came up with it anyway...), which is both funny, yet useful.

Just because someone is wearing headphones, it doesn't mean they can't smell your farts.

:...: :confused: :unsure:

[GameMaster]

A Crappy Date (A True Story)

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College._ For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to_ Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.

Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.

They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the_ rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.

He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.

Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.

"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.

Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl:_ "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

Wonder what happened after that :D

[fingersman]

Originally posted by sdtPikachu
Not exactly a joke, but I laughed my donkey off. (http://home.attbi.com/~mcclint/Muppets-NWA.mp4)

You'll need quicktime or some other MP4 compatible video player to watch it.

LOL
That was hilarious.....hhahahahahhahahha
Everyone DL this stuff...unless you like S. Street

[Ice006]

A true story you say GameMaster? Man, I feel real sorry for the guy... I get it now "A Crappy Date!" heh heh...

[Jason1]

Oh man...OH MAN GAMEMASTER....

I really feel sorry for that guy...what did he do? What could he do?

[Xantar]

My roommate tells me that he heard a similar story. The difference is that he spent all his time at the restaurant trying to think of an excuse. After racking his brain for a long time, he suddenly slammed his hand on the table, stood up and then yelled, "Someone put sh!t in my pants!"

[Ice006]

Shít on the seat would have been a much better excuse... but each to their own...

[GameMaster]

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

:D

[Angrist]

:rolleyes: :D

[Jason1]

Another good one GameMaster, although I think I have heard it somethere before.

[Shadow_Link]

Just had to resurrect this thread again. :D

[GameMaster]

What did Harry Potter say when he saw Hermione for the first time?

"Boy, I'd sure love to shove my Sorcerer's Stone into her Chamber of Secrets."

Duh duh ding! :D

[The Germanator]

Ok...so two muffins are in the oven and the first muffin says to the second, "hey man, it's really hot in here!". So the second muffin turns to the other muffin and says, "Holy ****, a talking muffin!"

...:)

[fingersman]

The master of jokes returns


A man staggers into an A&E with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Concerned the doctor asks whats happened. "Well, it was like this" begins the man, " I was having a quiest round of golf with the wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something small and white in its backside. I walked over, lifted its tail and sure enough, there was the wife's golf ball lodged right in the middle of its arse...and thats when I made my mistake"
"What did you do?" asks the doc.
"I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife: 'Hey ! This looks like yours!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How to have sex when your little brothers around

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high
school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room
with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for
a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices
that his little brother is already asleep on the lower
bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top
bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you
guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!
:D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


True Story


An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her
shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the
top of her voice, I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the
car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like
mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping
bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so
shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and
tried and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale
white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described
as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a
large handgun. No charges were filed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy. The woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy replys "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

:D

Got tons more where they came from but I'll let someone else post jokes for now.

[Rndm_Perfection]

Originally posted by The Germanator
Ok...so two muffins are in the oven and the first muffin says to the second, "hey man, it's really hot in here!". So the second muffin turns to the other muffin and says, "Holy ****, a talking muffin!"

...:)

... heheh... simple pleasures.

[Rndm_Perfection]

Originally posted by fingersman
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy. The woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy replys "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Oh, that is classic.

[fingersman]

Check this one out.

A diver's twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy, with no equipment, at the same depth. He goes down another twenty feet, and a few minutes later the guy with no equipment is right next to him. He goes down another twenty feet, and a few minutes later, there's the guy again.

He takes out his waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell are you able to stay down this deep without equipment?"
The other guy takes the chalkboard and chalk and writes, "I'm drowning, you ass*ole."

HAHAHHAA :D

[Happydude]

Originally posted by fingersman
Check this one out.

A diver's twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy, with no equipment, at the same depth. He goes down another twenty feet, and a few minutes later the guy with no equipment is right next to him. He goes down another twenty feet, and a few minutes later, there's the guy again.

He takes out his waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell are you able to stay down this deep without equipment?"
The other guy takes the chalkboard and chalk and writes, "I'm drowning, you ass*ole."

HAHAHHAA :D :rofl:


hahaha that was good...

[Jewels]

that was hilarious keep em coming

[Seven7]

Hehe that gave me a few laughs.... keep them coming fingersman.

[Shadow_Link]

LOL! Those were hilarious.

[fingersman]

Ahh my fans request more!! ;)
This one might be nightmare for any guy.

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a
box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she
said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the
operation."
:eek:

----------------------------------------------------------------

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With
some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently
declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

;)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

THIS ONE IS A KILLER

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone
there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else,"
Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who the f*#k's that on the balcony with Dave?"


HAHAHA

[Happydude]

lol...pretty funny...

[Xantar]

I haven't made up any jokes lately, so I'll just fall back on my tried and tested true stories.

From the Darwin Awards:

Robert, 37, shot himself while explaining gun safety to his wife in Glendale, California, when he placed a .45-caliber pistol he thought was unloaded under his chin and pulled the trigger. Shovestall's wife told police that the incident occurred after her complaints about her husband's 70 guns prompted him to demonstrate their safety.

A 23-year-old bar-brawler who had been escorted out of the Turtle Club in Florida by a bouncer, sneaked back in and leaped off a staircase, aiming a kick at another man, but was killed when he landed on his head.

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet, didn't put enough postage on a letter bomb, and it came back marked "return to sender." He opened the package and was blown away.

Two animal rights activists were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn by freeing a captive herd. Suddenly all two thousand of pigs stampeded through the gate they were opening, and trampled the hapless protesters to death.

News of the Weird reports that in September 1996 a man was crushed to death on a stairway at the Sammis Real Estate and Insurance office in Huntington, N.Y., while he was stealing the office's 600-pound safe. He apparently violated that cardinal rule of hauling massive objects: Never stand on a step lower than the one the safe is on. The safe was empty at the time of the incident.

In San Jose, California, Herman, an avid hunter, used the butt of his shotgun to bash his girlfriend's windshield during an argument. But his loaded gun accidentally discharged into his stomach, killing him and ending the argument.

And some real lawsuits:

A Michigan couple sued the owners of a nearby business claiming that dust, noise and vibrations invaded their property and therefore were trespassing. A jury actually found in their favor, but a Court of Appeals panel overturned the jury's verdict. The Appeals court stated that noise, vibrations and dust are intangible objects and can not be considered as trespassers.

A woman from Grand Haven, Michigan filed a lawsuit for more than $25,000 after she was injured by a firecracker she took from a condominium that she had cleaned. While dining later with friends at a restaurant, the woman lit the firecracker claiming that she mistakenly thought it was a decorative candle. The explosion resulted in severe injuries to the woman. She sued the owners of the condo for leaving the firecracker behind without a warning on it. The condo owners said that they had placed the device, which looks like a "huge firecracker," in a cupboard to keep it away from the children after someone left it at their house after a party.

A woman sued a bowling alley claiming she slipped and fell on an icy pothole which resulted in a disc herniation. She claimed no previous back problems, but her medical records showed numerous lower back problems over the past 10 years, and she was diagnosed with lumbar radiculitis the previous year. Bowling alley league records proved that she completed the remaining 14 WEEKS of the season after the alleged fall. In addition, a meteorologist testified that weather conditions for that day could not have formed ice. A jury determined that the bowling alley was not at fault.

And some real warning labels:

"Do not use massage chair without clothing... and, Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving. "

A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions: “This product not intended for use as a dental drill.”

A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to “Remove child before folding”

A prescription of sleeping pills says, “Warning: May cause drowsiness

A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: “Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.”



A CD player carries this unusual warning: “Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult.”

An “Aim-n-Flame” fireplace lighter cautions, “Do not use near fire, flame or sparks”

A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use “while sleeping or unconscious”

A container of underarm deodorant says, “Caution: Do not spray in eyes”

A cartridge for a laser printer warns, “Do not eat toner”

A household iron warns users: “Never iron clothes while they are being worn”

A label with a hair dryer reads, “Never use hair dryer while sleeping”

A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: “Not intended for highway use”

A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, “Do not drive with sunshield in place”

A Bathroom Heater says: “This product is not to be used in bathrooms”

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: “May irritate eyes”

A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.”

A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: “Caution - Risk of Fire”

A box of birthday cake candles says: “DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.”

[Shadow_Link]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!".

;)

[GameMaster]

So, what does the stamp collector do? :confused:

[BreakABone]

Well here are some dumb jokes, but eh

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came
home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was
jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up
and down with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up
and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told
her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have
TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked
her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought
the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"

-------______------_____

GIRL'S DIARY

FRIDAY 21st June 2002.

Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit
late
so I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so
I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued
and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed,
and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I
was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back
home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but
followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he
just half
shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of
silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him
and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad
sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was
surprised when
we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold,
and started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had
found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep.


BOY'S DIARY

FRIDAY 21st June 2002.

England lost to Brazil 2-1. Got a shag though.

[Canyarion]

http://www.collegehumor.com/img/g/gayhead4713.w492.jpg
Is that Gimpy??? :eek:

[Canyarion]

Probably posted before, but I found it again:

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

[KillerGremlin]

THIS ONE IS A KILLER

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone
there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else,"
Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who the f*#k's that on the balcony with Dave?"


HAHAHA

Ahahahaha, oh man, that's f*cking gold. I laughed my ass off.

+rep

[Bube]

Ahahahaha, oh man, that's f*cking gold.

This thread is also f*cking old.

:D No offense meant to anybody.

[Canyarion]

Yeah that would be me. :) I wanted to post a joke but didn't want to open a new thread.

[MuGen]

Whose in the mood for a classic?

A knot walks into a bar, asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind."
The knot walks outside and asks someone to fray his ends.
The knot walks back into the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?"
The knot replies, "I'm a frayed knot"

[D-Man]

George W. Bush is in England and he is having diner with Queen Elizabeth. He turns and tells her: "Your country is great, I really like the way things are getting done over here."

She responds: "That's because I know how to get intelligent people in important positions. Here's an example. Tony Blair! Please come here Tony!"

TB: "Yes, can I help you?"
Q: "Tony, your mother had a child, it's not your brother, nor your sister, who is it?"
TB: "Well... hum... I guess it would be me!"
Q: "Good job darling."
GWB: "That's nice, that's really nice, I'll have to try that..."

George later flies back to Washington, once there, he asks for Colin Powell to come at his office.

GWB:"Colin, let me ask you a question.. your mother had a child, it's not your brother, nor your sister, who is it?"
CP:"Hum... that's a good question... I'll have to think of it... let me get back to you on that..."

Colin then goes see Dick Cheney

CP:"Hey Dick, George asked me a question and I don't know what to say."
DC:"Well, what was it?"
CP:"He asked me, your mother had a child, it's not your brother, nor your sister, who is it?"
DC:"Well that's easy, it would be me. Or you in that case."
CP:"Oh right... I.. I get it..."

Colin goes back to see Mr. Bush

CP:"After thinking hard about it, I found out the answer to your question."
GWB:"Well, what is it?"
CP:"The answer is Dick Cheney!"
says Colin Powell all proud
GWB:"No, no, dammit, of course not you idiot!!!!
.
.
.
It's Tony Blair!"

[Bube]

That one's a classic!

And...D-Man? You're back?

[D-Man]

Well, not really. I don't have time to get involved and post regurlarly. I still like to drop in from time to time and read a couple of topics. It's a great forum with lots of nice people.

I only have the internet at school or on the weekends while I'm back at my old home since I now live in an apartment near the university I go to. With all the studies, work, girlfriend and hockey, gaming has been put on the side for now.

[Canyarion]

Hm, sounds like my future story, which isn't bad. :)

Edit: more Bush: http://masteroni.student.utwente.nl/hu.html (soundclip)

[Happydude]

Hm, sounds like my future story, which isn't bad. :)

Edit: more Bush: http://masteroni.student.utwente.nl/hu.html (soundclip)
:lol: a bit old though :p