Lord Germano
04-29-2002, 03:53 AM
!Warning! This has nothing to do with LotR, just kinda set it the same timeline, sorta anyway. Writen by me and Liz Ryan. Enjoy, or not.
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Chapter one
I rolled to the right of the human’s blade. Sparks flew from his halberd hitting the stone floor. I rolled into his knees and he fell down with a tremendous thud. Several of my brothers jumped on him and started bouncing on his back like a trampoline. It was chaos, peas and humans dying in front of me.
Maybe I should explain why we were having this vile war. For centuries humans have been trying to keep the order of the peas a secret. The humans didn’t want their children and their children’s children to know that there once were three-foot tall peas that could roll, talk, eat and think. They would never accept it. They would not understand pea lore, or our precise alchemy. So they kept us hidden in caves, concentration camps and highly guarded farms, where we would be chopped up and served to the less fortunate peasants. They didn’t even call us by our rightful names, calling these chopped up giant peas Brussels sprouts.
We were only winning this war by sheer numbers. Some of the barbaric humans were twice our height and could wield swords, axes and pole arms with their strong arms. Oh, how the order of the peas longed for arms. They also had full plate mail armour, and all we had was hard leather armour from the cows we had killed on the farms. One advantage we had was that bolts and arrows had no affect on us, they just pierced our flesh and stayed there, causing no series damage. Another advantage was that we could feel no pain, so even after we had been chopped in half we could still roll on (with a little help, getting stuck on your flat side is very embarrassing). We also regenerated our flesh, so we needed no doctors.
I am known to my people as the Lord of the Peas. I led my people into battle. At the moment we were defending the stalks in our main city. We were shooting out peas by catapult to deal with the offenders, but it has gone beyond that. We where now shoving the humans into deep pits, taking their equipment. It is then that I wondered if this war would ever end.
Chapter Two
One of my lieutenants rushed up to me, interrupting my thoughts. “Casualty report, sir!”
“Speak, soldier.”
But before he got the words out, a blade was thrust through his middle, spitting him in two. His two halves hopped away in different directions as fast as they could. And he was so young, too. We peas have a life expectancy of 19 years and he is only 6. Oh no! The humans were putting on army boots, preparing to squash us all! “RETREAT!” I called to my troops. We ran to the only place we peas can hide safely, the cornfields. My brothers and I checked on the soldiers. It was reported we had spattered 16 humans and the jumping on the afore mentioned man had put his back out. That and 8 dead humans. A good day, I thought. We had lost 7 peas, and 9 were forced to retreat in two halves and were currently regenerating. The humans had left the city only partly squished, and it was rumoured that tomorrow they would be attacking our cow paddocks, so we would not be able to make protective jackets anymore. We oiled the catapults, loaded the, (stolen), knives into our, (stolen), wagons and made a small fire to make some nice beef burgers.
As the lord of the peas, it is my job to give a speech of encouragement while chewing my food. I took a big bite.
“Fellow peas,” I started, spraying beef bits everywhere, “Tonight I will inform you of new goal. This war has no meaning. This war is finished! Tomorrow a new war begins! The war for global domination! We will rule to world, and humans will be our slaves!”
Old I know, but the soldiers liked it. It was all I could do for their morale. I still despise this war, but now there is a possible future, I may grow to live with it. If all else fails, I will simply get myself squashed.
Chapter Three
World domination. It was every human, peas, elf’s and dwarfs dream. But many have tried, and all have failed. Once again my thoughts were interrupted by one of my soldiers.
“Sir! The Humans are approaching fast! They are less than half a mile away!”
“Send twenty of my best peas on a direct intercept course with the catapults.”
“They are to close sir!”
“Well, use the ballistae! And hurry up, will you!”
My soldier ran off. I jumped up the stairs of our north wall (Convenient of the humans to leave all there stuff around, we could have never built a castle like this). I peered over and saw at least eighty humans with thick dragon hide boots on. I yelled to stop the initial attack, but I was too late. Twenty of my best soldiers were just shot into eighty heavily armed humans. It was absolute slaughter. I yelled at my soldiers to retreat, but they where getting splattered all over the grass, Brussels sprouts everywhere, and most were so injured they couldn’t move.
“Soldier! Ring the town bell and tell everyone to get armoured up, every pea in this city is going to fight!
“But sir…”
“Just do it, or you’ll have a date with the hammer!”
He ran off I didn’t know if what I was doing was right, or if it would work, but it was all I could think of.
Chapter Four
I paced back and forth on the podium. Every pea in the city was waiting, breathlessly, for me to inspire them with a noble and cunning battle plan to win us the world and the respect of the universe! I cleared my throat. ‘Fellow peas. Win me the world, even if you die in the attempt!’
Cheers all round. Damn, I am good.
I led my troops toward our rendezvous spot. We had decided, or at least I had, that we would come toward a certain place from different directions so if some of us came across a human patrol, then we wouldn’t all die. Everyone arrived at the meeting place, an old pea plantation, (that is, real peas, not freak peas.) Roll call started.
‘Private Pea!’
‘Sir!’ ‘Here!’ ‘Yes!’ ‘Here!’ ‘Here!’ ‘Present!’ ‘Here!’ ‘What?’ ‘Here!’ ‘Sorry!’ ‘Germaaaaaaaaaaaaanooooooooooo!’
I rolled my eyes. They expected me to dominate the world with these bogans for an army? I sighed. Roll call went on.
‘Captain Pea! Major Pea! General!’ ‘Corporal!’
After roll call, I was given a report of the attendance.
‘My lord, there is but one missing pea,’ said my faithful Roll Commander.
‘And that is whom?’ I asked briskly.
‘Corporal Pea, sir. The 17th one,’ he replied
‘Excellent,’ I murmured. ‘Dismissed!’
‘Sir!’ He marched off. Corporal Pea, (the 17th), was trying to take over my position as Lord of the Peas. Not the first, I can tell you! But I know how to deal with insolence. I had sent him alone on the one dangerous route to our meeting place. Through the village of the humans. No doubt he suffered an agonizing death by squishing. Ah well. ‘One less pea to squash on the path to victory,’ as the saying goes. I stood up and stretched, clearing my throat. ‘Fellow peas! We now march to victory! And glory! Fall out!’
Chapter Five
Since all of us were the same height and my troops had a whole lot of practice lining up straight, my army of peas looked extremely impressive. Looked impressive, mind you. As soon as they actually started marching, they kept tripping up, stumbling, shoving and even skipping! ‘ENOUGH!’ I screamed after a few minutes, ‘March! Or I hammer the lot of you!’
The troops were silent. They all stopped moving and straightened up impressively. ‘Now!’ I call more calmly, ‘March!’
Around an hour later, we’d moved about two kilometres south. According to the latest reports, the humans fled five kilometres south after the last battle. We marched for another two hours, covering about two and a half kilometres, gradually getting tireder and tireder. I shout for everyone to halt as we approach a large field. ‘Here we sleep!’ I yell, and immediately all my peas began making camp. Tomorrow we will surprise the humans, attack and hold them hostage. I fell asleep before dinner, and dreamt of ruling the world.
I awoke at first light, (or at least second or third light), and then ate my breakfast, carefully prepared by my faithful and loving subjects. (Well, faithful, anyway.) I ordered roll call to commence, and rolled over to a tree for a rest before the attack.
We marched at 10 o’clock due south judging by the large watch dropped by a human during the last battle. I appointed two of my strongest peas to carry it and watch over it. By 11 o’clock, the troops were murmuring about the human’s location, not to mention my abilities as a navigator. But I was sure that the report had been that the humans were south. We had travelled over six kilometres, and there was no sign of any human activity.
A nervous looking soldier came up to me.
‘Sir!’ he said.
‘Yes, soldier!’ I barked loudly.
‘Sir, some of us think that, well, maybe….” He trailed off and his voice grew wobbly.
‘Spit it out, boy,’ I said impatiently.
‘Yes sir. Thank you sir,’ he said, and spat a bright yellow glob into a bush next to us. His voice was suddenly clear again. ‘Sir, the other troops and I think we should head for the village and attack there,’ he said all in one breath.
‘No,’ I said calmly, ‘It’s the army, or nothing.’
‘But sir…’
‘No,’ I say coldly, ‘Leave me.’
The troops start setting up camp for the night. I sit and think.
I need to kidnap and threaten the most-human loved person in the world, so I can collect a nice ransom, (say, the world?), for their safe return. But who? I needed human assistance, and fast.
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Chapter one
I rolled to the right of the human’s blade. Sparks flew from his halberd hitting the stone floor. I rolled into his knees and he fell down with a tremendous thud. Several of my brothers jumped on him and started bouncing on his back like a trampoline. It was chaos, peas and humans dying in front of me.
Maybe I should explain why we were having this vile war. For centuries humans have been trying to keep the order of the peas a secret. The humans didn’t want their children and their children’s children to know that there once were three-foot tall peas that could roll, talk, eat and think. They would never accept it. They would not understand pea lore, or our precise alchemy. So they kept us hidden in caves, concentration camps and highly guarded farms, where we would be chopped up and served to the less fortunate peasants. They didn’t even call us by our rightful names, calling these chopped up giant peas Brussels sprouts.
We were only winning this war by sheer numbers. Some of the barbaric humans were twice our height and could wield swords, axes and pole arms with their strong arms. Oh, how the order of the peas longed for arms. They also had full plate mail armour, and all we had was hard leather armour from the cows we had killed on the farms. One advantage we had was that bolts and arrows had no affect on us, they just pierced our flesh and stayed there, causing no series damage. Another advantage was that we could feel no pain, so even after we had been chopped in half we could still roll on (with a little help, getting stuck on your flat side is very embarrassing). We also regenerated our flesh, so we needed no doctors.
I am known to my people as the Lord of the Peas. I led my people into battle. At the moment we were defending the stalks in our main city. We were shooting out peas by catapult to deal with the offenders, but it has gone beyond that. We where now shoving the humans into deep pits, taking their equipment. It is then that I wondered if this war would ever end.
Chapter Two
One of my lieutenants rushed up to me, interrupting my thoughts. “Casualty report, sir!”
“Speak, soldier.”
But before he got the words out, a blade was thrust through his middle, spitting him in two. His two halves hopped away in different directions as fast as they could. And he was so young, too. We peas have a life expectancy of 19 years and he is only 6. Oh no! The humans were putting on army boots, preparing to squash us all! “RETREAT!” I called to my troops. We ran to the only place we peas can hide safely, the cornfields. My brothers and I checked on the soldiers. It was reported we had spattered 16 humans and the jumping on the afore mentioned man had put his back out. That and 8 dead humans. A good day, I thought. We had lost 7 peas, and 9 were forced to retreat in two halves and were currently regenerating. The humans had left the city only partly squished, and it was rumoured that tomorrow they would be attacking our cow paddocks, so we would not be able to make protective jackets anymore. We oiled the catapults, loaded the, (stolen), knives into our, (stolen), wagons and made a small fire to make some nice beef burgers.
As the lord of the peas, it is my job to give a speech of encouragement while chewing my food. I took a big bite.
“Fellow peas,” I started, spraying beef bits everywhere, “Tonight I will inform you of new goal. This war has no meaning. This war is finished! Tomorrow a new war begins! The war for global domination! We will rule to world, and humans will be our slaves!”
Old I know, but the soldiers liked it. It was all I could do for their morale. I still despise this war, but now there is a possible future, I may grow to live with it. If all else fails, I will simply get myself squashed.
Chapter Three
World domination. It was every human, peas, elf’s and dwarfs dream. But many have tried, and all have failed. Once again my thoughts were interrupted by one of my soldiers.
“Sir! The Humans are approaching fast! They are less than half a mile away!”
“Send twenty of my best peas on a direct intercept course with the catapults.”
“They are to close sir!”
“Well, use the ballistae! And hurry up, will you!”
My soldier ran off. I jumped up the stairs of our north wall (Convenient of the humans to leave all there stuff around, we could have never built a castle like this). I peered over and saw at least eighty humans with thick dragon hide boots on. I yelled to stop the initial attack, but I was too late. Twenty of my best soldiers were just shot into eighty heavily armed humans. It was absolute slaughter. I yelled at my soldiers to retreat, but they where getting splattered all over the grass, Brussels sprouts everywhere, and most were so injured they couldn’t move.
“Soldier! Ring the town bell and tell everyone to get armoured up, every pea in this city is going to fight!
“But sir…”
“Just do it, or you’ll have a date with the hammer!”
He ran off I didn’t know if what I was doing was right, or if it would work, but it was all I could think of.
Chapter Four
I paced back and forth on the podium. Every pea in the city was waiting, breathlessly, for me to inspire them with a noble and cunning battle plan to win us the world and the respect of the universe! I cleared my throat. ‘Fellow peas. Win me the world, even if you die in the attempt!’
Cheers all round. Damn, I am good.
I led my troops toward our rendezvous spot. We had decided, or at least I had, that we would come toward a certain place from different directions so if some of us came across a human patrol, then we wouldn’t all die. Everyone arrived at the meeting place, an old pea plantation, (that is, real peas, not freak peas.) Roll call started.
‘Private Pea!’
‘Sir!’ ‘Here!’ ‘Yes!’ ‘Here!’ ‘Here!’ ‘Present!’ ‘Here!’ ‘What?’ ‘Here!’ ‘Sorry!’ ‘Germaaaaaaaaaaaaanooooooooooo!’
I rolled my eyes. They expected me to dominate the world with these bogans for an army? I sighed. Roll call went on.
‘Captain Pea! Major Pea! General!’ ‘Corporal!’
After roll call, I was given a report of the attendance.
‘My lord, there is but one missing pea,’ said my faithful Roll Commander.
‘And that is whom?’ I asked briskly.
‘Corporal Pea, sir. The 17th one,’ he replied
‘Excellent,’ I murmured. ‘Dismissed!’
‘Sir!’ He marched off. Corporal Pea, (the 17th), was trying to take over my position as Lord of the Peas. Not the first, I can tell you! But I know how to deal with insolence. I had sent him alone on the one dangerous route to our meeting place. Through the village of the humans. No doubt he suffered an agonizing death by squishing. Ah well. ‘One less pea to squash on the path to victory,’ as the saying goes. I stood up and stretched, clearing my throat. ‘Fellow peas! We now march to victory! And glory! Fall out!’
Chapter Five
Since all of us were the same height and my troops had a whole lot of practice lining up straight, my army of peas looked extremely impressive. Looked impressive, mind you. As soon as they actually started marching, they kept tripping up, stumbling, shoving and even skipping! ‘ENOUGH!’ I screamed after a few minutes, ‘March! Or I hammer the lot of you!’
The troops were silent. They all stopped moving and straightened up impressively. ‘Now!’ I call more calmly, ‘March!’
Around an hour later, we’d moved about two kilometres south. According to the latest reports, the humans fled five kilometres south after the last battle. We marched for another two hours, covering about two and a half kilometres, gradually getting tireder and tireder. I shout for everyone to halt as we approach a large field. ‘Here we sleep!’ I yell, and immediately all my peas began making camp. Tomorrow we will surprise the humans, attack and hold them hostage. I fell asleep before dinner, and dreamt of ruling the world.
I awoke at first light, (or at least second or third light), and then ate my breakfast, carefully prepared by my faithful and loving subjects. (Well, faithful, anyway.) I ordered roll call to commence, and rolled over to a tree for a rest before the attack.
We marched at 10 o’clock due south judging by the large watch dropped by a human during the last battle. I appointed two of my strongest peas to carry it and watch over it. By 11 o’clock, the troops were murmuring about the human’s location, not to mention my abilities as a navigator. But I was sure that the report had been that the humans were south. We had travelled over six kilometres, and there was no sign of any human activity.
A nervous looking soldier came up to me.
‘Sir!’ he said.
‘Yes, soldier!’ I barked loudly.
‘Sir, some of us think that, well, maybe….” He trailed off and his voice grew wobbly.
‘Spit it out, boy,’ I said impatiently.
‘Yes sir. Thank you sir,’ he said, and spat a bright yellow glob into a bush next to us. His voice was suddenly clear again. ‘Sir, the other troops and I think we should head for the village and attack there,’ he said all in one breath.
‘No,’ I said calmly, ‘It’s the army, or nothing.’
‘But sir…’
‘No,’ I say coldly, ‘Leave me.’
The troops start setting up camp for the night. I sit and think.
I need to kidnap and threaten the most-human loved person in the world, so I can collect a nice ransom, (say, the world?), for their safe return. But who? I needed human assistance, and fast.