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View Full Version : My English writing thing for school... could someone look into this?


Angrist
04-22-2002, 05:16 PM
Hold your doubloons, it's not finished yet.

Could someone check if I made any mistakes in this 'English specialisation' as we call it?? Thanks!

This is the first part:

Summaries

The Hobbit
Hobbits are creatures who love peace and quiet and good-tilled earth: a well-ordered and well-farmed countryside is their favourite haunt. They look like human beings, they're just a bit smaller; about three feet tall.

Bilbo lives in a village named Hobbiton leading a quiet life in a Hobbit-hole. One day Gandalf, an old Wizard, arrives at Bilbo's home, and with him come thirteen Dwarves. Gandalf and Thorin, the leader of the Dwarves, want him to come with them to regain a large pile of gold that the Dwarves once lost to an evil Dragon named Smaug. Many adventures befall Bilbo, who wishes more than once that he was just at home in his nice hole by the fire.

The Lord of the Rings
On his journey with the Dwarves, Bilbo Baggins found a magic ring that could make him invisible. He never told anyone about it, and few beside Gandalf know of it.
On his 111th birthday party, he gives the ring to Frodo, his nephew, and leaves to live with the Elves.
Years later, Gandalf discovers that this is The One Ring, the powerful, evil Ring created centuries ago by the Dark Lord Sauron. The power of the Ring is so incredible, that if Sauron regained it, he would be stronger than ever!
Gandalf sends Frodo and his best friend Sam on a mission to destroy the Ring in the fire in which it was made; this being the only way to destroy it.
The Lord of the Rings is 'a story magnificently told, with every kind of colour and movement and greatness'.

The Silmarillion
The Silmarilli were three perfect jewels, fashioned by Feänor, most gifted of the Elves, and within the was imprisoned the last Light of the Two Trees of Valinor. When the first Dark Lord, Morgoth, stole the jewels and set them within an iron crown in the impenetrable fortress of Angband, Feänor and his kindred took up arms against the great Enemy and waged a long and terrible war to recover them.

The Silmarillion tells the story of the rebellion by Feänor's allies against the gods, their exile from Valinor and return to Middle-Earth. It is the history of the heroic First Age in Tolkien's world, the ancient drama long before the time of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings.





Could you tell me how I could improve it?? I have to give it to my teacher in about 10 hours, so...
Thanks!

Angrist
04-22-2002, 05:29 PM
Of Elves, Dwarves and Men.

In Middle-Earth, the imaginary world created by J.R.R. Tolkien, there are many races. But most important and dominant of those are the Elves, the Dwarves and the Men. Who are they? What are they? Where did they come from and where are they going?? Let's start with the beginning.

Of their creation

'There was Eru, the One, who in Arda is called Ilúvatar; and he made first the Ainur, the Holy Ones, that were the offspring of his thought, and they were with him before aught else was made.'
Ilúvatar revealed to the Ainur a mighty vision and showed to them the world as it was to be. The task of the Ainur was to fulfil that vision and make that world, called Arda. So they did. They prepared the world for the coming of the Elves and Men, who were to be the inhabitants.

One of the Ainur, Aulë, the god of mining and smith-craft, could not wait for the Elves, and created his own race: the Dwarves. Like their creator, they loved delving and forging and they preferred to live underground in great cities hewn out of the rock.
Ilúvatar was aware of Aulë's deeds and he decided to put the Dwarves to sleep, until it was their time to awaken and walk upon the earth.
Seven Fathers of the Dwarves Aulë made, and these slept through many ages until after the Awakening of the Elves.


When the world was ready, Ilúvatar gave life to the Elves, 'and while they dwelt yet silent their eyes beheld first of all things the stars of heaven. Therefore they have ever loved the starlight'.

Thousends of years later, the race of Men was awakened by Ilúvatar in the eastward regions of Middle-Earth.

Of their appearance

The Men in Middle-Earth looked like the men we know nowadays.
Most men had a life-span of approximately 70 or 80 years. The exception to this are the Númenoreans, who were fair of face and tall. The span of their lives was thrice that of normal Men."

The Elves were the tallest of all the races, taller than Men, especially in the beginning, when their race was still young. After that, their size kept decreasing, until in the third age, they were almost as small as Men. Apart from a few who had lived since the beginning, none of the Elves had beards.
The gift of Elves was to have eternal life. They did not show any signs of age, but retained their fair appearance.

Dwarves were short: about 3/5 of human size. Practically all Dwarves had long beards. It is said that even the Dwarf women had beards. They were a tough and sturdy race, build to endure harsh circumstances. haven't written more yet, working on it.

Thanks Psycho :)

Revival
04-22-2002, 06:36 PM
Are those different 'stories'? Or is the second one something different from the first?

fingersman
04-22-2002, 11:02 PM
Originally posted by Angrist
Hold your doubloons, it's not finished yet.

Could someone check if I made any mistakes in this 'English specialisation' as we call it?? Thanks!

This is the first part:

Summaries

The Hobbit
Hobbits are creatures who love peace and quiet and good-tilled earth: a well-ordered and well-farmed countryside is their favourite haunt. They look like human beings, they're just a bit smaller; about three feet tall.

Bilbo lives in a village named Hobbiton leading a quiet life in a Hobbit-hole. One day Gandalf, an old Wizard, arrives at Bilbo's home, and with him come thirteen Dwarves. Gandalf and Thorin, the leader of the Dwarves, want him to come with them to regain a large pile of gold that the Dwarves once lost to an evil Dragon named Smaug. Many adventures befall Bilbo, who wishes more than once that he was just at home in his nice hole by the fire.

The Lord of the Rings
On his journey with the Dwarves, Bilbo Baggins found a magic ring that could make him invisible. He never told anyone about it, and few beside Gandalf know of it.
On his 111th birthday party, he gives the ring to Frodo, his nephew, and leaves to live with the Elves.
Years later, Gandalf discovers that this is The One Ring, the powerful, evil Ring created centuries ago by the Dark Lord Sauron. The power of the Ring is so incredible, that if Sauron regained it, he would be stronger than ever!
Gandalf sends Frodo and his best friend Sam on a mission to destroy the Ring in the fire in which it was made; this being the only way to destroy it.
The Lord of the Rings is 'a story magnificently told, with every kind of colour and movement and greatness'.

The Silmarillion
The Silmarilli were three perfect jewels, fashioned by Feänor, most gifted of the Elves, and within the was imprisoned the last Light of the Two Trees of Valinor. When the first Dark Lord, Morgoth, stole the jewels and set them within an iron crown in the impenetrable fortress of Angband, Feänor and his kindred took up arms against the great Enemy and waged a long and terrible war to recover them.

The Silmarillion tells the story of the rebellion by Feänor's allies against the gods, their exile from Valinor and return to Middle-Earth. It is the history of the heroic First Age in Tolkien's world, the ancient drama long before the time of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings.





Could you tell me how I could improve it?? I have to give it to my teacher in about 10 hours, so...
Thanks!


well first sentence should read like this
peace, quiet and good tilled earth. also i think there should be a semicolon ( ; ) or whatever you call it after earth.


ALSo on that same line a well farmed and order country side should be there...........it flows better, plus there is no need to use 'well' twice.


"Bilbo lives in a village named Hobbiton leading a quiet life in a Hobbit-hole."
You might want to rehase that sentence, although it isn't that bad.


"arrives at Bilbo's home, and with him come thirteen Dwarves"
arrives at Bilbo's home with thirteen Dwarves accompaning him.


"made; this being the only way to destroy it"
this is the only method/way to destroy it


", with every kind of colour and movement and greatness'. "

kind of colour, movement and greatness.


"most gifted of the Elves"
The most gifted...:D


"and within the was imprisoned the last Light of the Two Trees of Valinor"
I think your missing a word here....it may be rings or jewels not sure but I know your missing a word.


Well that's one done.....these are suggestions they are not corrections you don't have to take them into consideration or change your story if you don't want to.....now onto the next one.

fingersman
04-22-2002, 11:13 PM
Originally posted by Angrist
Of Elves, Dwarves and Men.

In Middle-Earth, the imaginary world created by J.R.R. Tolkien, there are many races. But most important and dominant of those are the Elves, the Dwarves and the Men. Who are they? What are they? Where did they come from and where are they going?? Let's start with the beginning.

Of their creation

'There was Eru, the One, who in Arda is called Ilúvatar; and he made first the Ainur, the Holy Ones, that were the offspring of his thought, and they were with him before aught else was made.'
Ilúvatar revealed to the Ainur a mighty vision and showed to them the world as it was to be. The task of the Ainur was to fulfil that vision and make that world, called Arda. So they did. They prepared the world for the coming of the Elves and Men, who were to be the inhabitants.

One of the Ainur, Aulë, the god of mining and smith-craft, could not wait for the Elves, and created his own race: the Dwarves. Like their creator, they loved delving and forging and they preferred to live underground in great cities hewn out of the rock.
Ilúvatar was aware of Aulë's deeds and he decided to put the Dwarves to sleep, until it was their time to awaken and walk upon the earth.
Seven Fathers of the Dwarves Aulë made, and these slept through many ages until after the Awakening of the Elves.


When the world was ready, Ilúvatar gave life to the Elves, 'and while they dwelt yet silent their eyes beheld first of all things the stars of heaven. Therefore they have ever loved the starlight'.

Thousends of years later, the race of Men was awakened by Ilúvatar in the eastward regions of Middle-Earth.

Of their appearance

The Men in Middle-Earth looked like the men we know nowadays.
Most men had a life-span of approximately 70 or 80 years. The exception to this are the Númenoreans, who were fair of face and tall. The span of their lives was thrice that of normal Men."

The Elves were the tallest of all the races, taller than Men, especially in the beginning, when their race was still young. After that, their size kept decreasing, until in the third age, they were almost as small as Men. Apart from a few who had lived since the beginning, none of the Elves had beards.
The gift of Elves was to have eternal life. They did not show any signs of age, but retained their fair appearance.

Dwarves were short: about 3/5 of human size. Practically all Dwarves had long beards. It is said that even the Dwarf women had beards. They were a tough and sturdy race, build to endure harsh circumstances. haven't written more yet, working on it.





Thanks Psycho :)

"him before aught else was made"
I think you mean all else was made? I'm right aren't I?


"Seven Fathers of the Dwarves Aulë made, and these slept through many ages "
there is something missing there as well

"the men we know nowadays"
the men we know today


"about 3/5 of human size"
Approximately three fifths of human size.

the appro sounds better...more professional and more precise when trying to state measurements


Right that's about it but so far so good.....I did what I could do....but I think Xanny is more the person to loook at this for you...I could make some other improvements but that would be forcing or suggesting my writing style to you and that's not good thing that's a bad thing.

chessy smile----------> :D
Well I hope I helped you out

Angrist
04-23-2002, 04:19 AM
Yeah, thanks Fingers!
The stupid thing is that you corrected some of the sentences I quoted. So it can't be bad English, perhaps a bit old or something.

fingersman
04-23-2002, 11:07 AM
Originally posted by Angrist
Yeah, thanks Fingers!
The stupid thing is that you corrected some of the sentences I quoted. So it can't be bad English, perhaps a bit old or something.

NP always glad to help
oh and I didn't see the qoutes, sorry about that.
Neways good luck in your writing.:D

Angrist
04-23-2002, 12:10 PM
Of Elves, Dwarves and Men.

In Middle-earth, the imaginary world created by J.R.R. Tolkien, there are many races. But most important and dominant of those are the Elves, the Dwarves and the Men. Who are they? What are they? Where did they come from and where are they going?? Let's start with the beginning.

Of their creation

'There was Eru, the One, who in Arda is called Ilúvatar; and he made first the Ainur, the Holy Ones, that were the offspring of his thought, and they were with him before aught else was made.'
Ilúvatar revealed to the Ainur a mighty vision and showed to them the world as it was to be. The task of the Ainur was to fulfil that vision and make that world, called Arda. So they did. They prepared the world for the coming of the Elves and Men, who were to be the inhabitants.

One of the Ainur, Aulë, the god of mining and smith-craft, could not wait for the Elves, and created his own race: the Dwarves. Like their creator, they loved delving and forging and they preferred to live underground in great cities hewn out of the rock.
Ilúvatar was aware of Aulë's deeds and he decided to put the Dwarves to sleep, until it was their time to awaken and walk upon the earth.
Aulë made seven Fathers of the Dwarves, and these slept through many ages until after the Awakening of the Elves.


When the world was ready, Ilúvatar gave life to the Elves, 'and while they dwelt yet silent their eyes beheld first of all things the stars of heaven. Therefore they have ever loved the starlight'.

Thousands of years later, the race of Men was awakened by Ilúvatar in the eastward regions of Middle-earth.

Of their appearances and their life spans

The Men in Middle-earth looked like the men we know today.
Most men had a life span of approximately 70 or 80 years. The exception to this were the Númenoreans, who were fair of face and tall. The span of their lives was thrice that of normal Men.

The Elves were the tallest of all the races, taller than Men, especially in the beginning, when their race was still young. After that, their size kept decreasing, until in the third age, they were almost as small as Men. Apart from a few who had lived since the beginning, none of the Elves had beards.
The gift of Elves was to have eternal life. They did not show any signs of age, but retained their fair appearance.

Dwarves were short: approximately three fifths of human size. Practically all Dwarves had long beards. It is said that even female Dwarf had beards. They were a tough and sturdy race, built to endure harsh circumstances and the dangers of Middle-earth.
They lived longer than Men, often reaching ages of 250 to 300 years.

Of wars

The Elves have always fought the Dark Lords, Morgoth and Sauron. Never have they served them, unlike other races. Only three times did Elves fight their own kin, but that was caused by Morgoth. Because when he stole the Silmarilli, Fëanor and his sons swore an oath to fight and pursue Morgoth and anyone who stood in their way, or kept the Silmarilli from them.
Elves fought for peace and freedom, almost never for personal enrichment.

Dwarves, on the other hand, often fought for gold, gems, and not of less importance, pride. The Dwarves were very retentive of the memory of injuries. Even the long War between Orcs and Dwarves was started to avenge one of their kings.
But they were not evil by nature, and few ever served the Enemy of free will, whatever the tales of Men may have told. For Men of old lusted after their wealth and the work of their hands, and there has been enmity between the races.

Certain groups of Men were always friends of the Elves, have helped them in wars, and they were worthy allies. But they were also easy to deceive, and some groups have always served the purposes of the Dark Lords.
Of all races, Men had the greatest desire for power.

Later, when Men became the dominant race and more and more Elves left Middle-earth, the Númenoreans continued the long fight against the Enemy.

Of their languages

'Long [the Elves] dwelt in their first home by the water under stars, and they walked the Earth in wonder; and they began to make speech and to give names to all things that they perceived'. This old language evolved into two newer languages: High-elven and Grey-elven. Centuries later, the first was no longer a birth tongue in Middle-earth, but had become, as it were, an 'Elven-latin', still used for ceremony and for high matters of lore and song.

When the Men were created and had not yet met Elves, they made their own language. Through the ages, the language was enriched by the Númenoreans with words of the Elven languages. This language became so popular and widespread, that centuries later it became the Common Speech.

The Dwarves also had their own language that their creator Aulë had made for them. This language changed little by the years, because it had become a secret language, only used among themselves. They tended it and guarded it as a treasure of the past. Not even did they reveal to outsiders their true names, but always used names in the Common Speech.


Of their destinies

'The doom of the Elves was to be immortal, to love the beauty of the world, to bring it to full flower with their gifts of delicacy and perfection, to last while it lasts, never leaving it even when 'slain', but returning.'
When Elves died, their spirits went to the Halls of Mandos, a place in the land of the gods. There they stayed forever, mourning and grieving.


It was told among the Elves that when the Dwarves died, they returned to the earth and the stone of which they were made, but that was not their own belief. 'For they say that Aulë cares for them, and gathers them to Mandos in halls set apart; and that he declared to their Fathers of old that Ilúvatar will hallow them and give them a place among the [Elves] in the End.'