Help Darren create a stand up comedy set!

[DarrenMcLeod]

Alright, so there's a Canadian TV Show called Corner Gas holding an online stand up comedy contest. I've decided to try my hand at it, as the prizes are nice and nobody on the site is funny. Now, before I submit, I have to make sure that I'm funny. Tell me which jokes work, which don't, and any tweaks or add-on jokes you'd make to the following to really boost it up. It'd be much appreciated.

Website for contest is http://www.cornergas.ca/comicgenius

Contest ends sunday, so I gotta hurry my ass up. I need two minutes of solid material...

SET SO FAR:

I have a friend who's a mime.
He's going through relationship troubles.
But he doesn't want to talk about it.

My older brother always says I was adopted. So I just say "Shut up... Pablo".

I have asthma, which sucks, because I always wanted to be a trombone player

I just celebrated my 19th birthday. As a present to myself I decided to spend $40 and see some naked ladies. Turns out it was just some middle aged guys playing music.

I kept trying to tell my dad I had laryngitis; he kept telling me to speak up.

I hate when people say "it's freezing out here"
Usually what I do is grab a glass of water, and start pouring it out.
once it splashes on the ground and retains it's liquid form,
I say "I guess not!"

Before I die, I want to be a knight, like so many acclaimed musicians.
Like Sir Paul McCartney
Sir Elton John, or [Pause]
Sir Mixalot.

I love when people write me angry emails. It's like they're saying "I'm mad, but not mad enough to pick up the telephone."

Do atheists make snow angels?

Lastly, I think everyone misinterpreted that rap song by NWA.
When they said "Eff the Police", they weren't mad at the cops.
They just really don't appreciate Sting's music.

[DeathsHand]

I'm sorry... There's... Nothing I can do...

It's in God's hands now...

[Typhoid]

I didnt think the Bertuzzi stuff was funny at all, to be honest.

Maybe its because I'm a Canucks fan, or maybe because the whole Bertuzzi thing has been talked about to death.

I will let you know, hoever, I actually laughed out loud at the majority of those, aside from the Bertuzzi thing, and the gay thing.



EDIT:


If you're ever in front of a crowd, and right after they laugh at the first joke, or the first joke they laugh at (in some cases) just sincierly say "Thank you...I'm not used to getting laughed at, with my pants on." and then quickly move to the next joke.

Remember, with stand up comedy, self humiliation in any form usually gets the most laughs.

And I was actually going to enter to this, because Stand Up is something I want to do, because I figure I'm a lazy bum as it is, why not just add it to my resume.

[DarrenMcLeod]

bertuzzi thing is probably going to be taken out. this american friend of mine who is an amateur stand up helped me write it and loved it. i wasn't too keen on it but he insisted it was a must have.

since it's an online video, there are no laughs or anything... it's just a voice which is awkward.

Thanks for the help, Typhoid.

EDIT: took bertuzzi and gay thing out.

[Typhoid]

Thanks for the help, Typhoid.


*Marks this day down on the calendar*




And its just a voice? Awkward.

I would have to say I liked the one about the water freezing the best.

But thats only because in my head, I said it like Mitch Hedberg. Which is how I deliver all my stand up, because that way of speaking somehow makes it funnier.

[DarrenMcLeod]

thanks, Typh.

[Bond]

You know, I honestly found none of that funny. I think the best humor is spontaneous, spur of the moment. I'm not really sure what kind of event this is? If it is written jokes or actual stand up comedy in front of a live audience? But if I was you I'd just get up there and start talking about whatever is on your mind and somehow find a way to make it funny. One way or another the audience will eventually find it funny and you just roll on from there.

[DeathsHand]

I think the best humor is spontaneous, spur of the moment.

So Darren should just wait until there's an improv contest?

... :>

[Ginkasa]

I don't really watch stand-up all that often, so I hardly have any credence in this matter, however...

Aren't stand-ups supposed to kind of have a flow to them? All the one's I've seen have seemed more like hilarious one-sided conversations that could go anywhere rather than just a series of jokes... It just seemed awkward trying to read your act as one cohesive whole...


/me shrugs and walks away

[Acebot44]

His set is not unlike something Mitch Hedberg would have come up with....which means its not bad :)

[Dylflon]

Another comedian who pulls off this kind of humor is Levi MacDougal (sp?).

It's a hard form of stand-up to master.

You may want to consider looknig into some flow.

[DeathsHand]

His set is not unlike something Mitch Hedberg would have come up with....which means its not bad :)

Exactly, Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P. :< ) was the best stand-up comedian ever...

Basically his act was just a bunch of unrelated one-liners with an occasional longer joke thrown into the mix...

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling; I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

[Typhoid]

Exactly, Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P. :< ) was the best stand-up comedian ever...

Basically his act was just a bunch of unrelated one-liners with an occasional longer joke thrown into the mix...

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling; I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."


"Escalators cannot break. They can only become stairs. Sorry for the convenience."


"I bought a house and they said it has 2 bedrooms. Is it not up to me how many bedrooms my house has? This bedroom has a fridge in it. This bedroom is AKA a hallway. This bedroom is in that guys house. Sir, you have my bedroom. I want it back."

[Teuthida]

Mitch Hedberg-ish it's good. Otherwise I would set up the jokes somehow.


I just celebrated my 19th birthday. As a present to myself I decided to spend $40 and see some naked ladies. Turns out it was just some middle aged guys playing music.

Really like that one.

But anyways the joke isn't always as important as the execution. Don't know how you perform so dunno how funny the jokes will seem.

[Swan]

Yeah, it's hard to read someones act if you have never heard them perform it. But they were pretty good. Got to say that the water freezing was my favorite.



I thought the Sir Mixalot one was little weak though.

[Dyne]

Comedy isn't just the jokes. It's the character telling them. Since when did we all become experts on comedy?

That said, that's a perfectly good act. You could say that straight; with the right delivery that could be killer.

[DarrenMcLeod]

Thank you guys so much for your positive feedback, and even the negative stuff. As long as you're not idiots saying "this **** sucks," then it's all helpful.

As you've all mentioned, Stand Up comedy is not something that translates well to anything other than a person standing up in front of you telling jokes - go to the website and watch how terrible everyone there is. without an audience and without the atmosphere, wihtout the PERSON... it's all terrible.

Here's a new joke:

Recently I've been getting some publicity. I even had my picture in a book, you might have heard of it, it's called the, uh, year book

[DeathsHand]

Recently I've been getting some publicity. I even had my picture in a book, you might have heard of it, it's called the, uh, year book

"I've been getting some publicity as of late... My work was published on a local website, crediting me as 'W/m about 6’1, approximately 140 lbs, long bro hair'."...

...

[MuGen]

Darren, you can add this to your material... It's been sitting on my mind for a long time...

'Ya know I love old fashioned things.. thats why I own a VCR. Cuz I can go to the store and rent a movie and easily make a copy. Now I noticed this FBI thing everytime I watch the movies... Is that really a crime? I'd be in a cell one day and say.. 'hey.. what you here for?' and they'd say 'i killed a man!.... you?' ... I would be like 'well damn, i had made a copy of Ace Venture Pet Detective!"

[Teuthida]

Well worth the jail time.

[jeepnut]

*In russian accent*

In Soviet Russia, calendar schedules you!

Not sure where it's from. I learned it from my friends here. Communist jokes are always funny.

[Dyne]

*In russian accent*

In Soviet Russia, calendar schedules you!

Not sure where it's from. I learned it from my friends here. Communist jokes are always funny.

I went to a Jazz festival in Idaho once, and one of the tenor saxophonists who is there every year is a Russian named Igor Butman. The year I went, there was this clinic, and it turned out being just a long boring talk fest for this guy named Pete Christlieb. He went on and on about his father and how he played basoon for the Wizard of Oz movie, and his time with the Max Weinberg group, and blah blah blah money blah blah blah.

So Igor Butman comes up, and his only advice is, "In Soviet Russia, cheque cashes you."

Standing ovation.

[DarrenMcLeod]

I went to a Jazz festival in Idaho once, and one of the tenor saxophonists who is there every year is a Russian named Igor Butman. The year I went, there was this clinic, and it turned out being just a long boring talk fest for this guy named Pete Christlieb. He went on and on about his father and how he played basoon for the Wizard of Oz movie, and his time with the Max Weinberg group, and blah blah blah money blah blah blah.

So Igor Butman comes up, and his only advice is, "In Soviet Russia, cheque cashes you."

Standing ovation.
he'd kick my ass in this contest.

[MuGen]

Dmac, I suggest you go on the camera, press record and say

"Git R Done!!!"

LOL

[DarrenMcLeod]

Dmac, I suggest you go on the camera, press record and say

"Git R Done!!!"

LOL
Hahaha. I'd have to shoot myself.

[Crash]

I love the one:

"I have bad luck, one time I fell down the stairs, it was an up escalator, I fell for 2 hours"


:rofl:

[MuGen]

I love the one:

"I have bad luck, one time I fell down the stairs, it was an up escalator, I fell for 2 hours"


:rofl:

lol

[BreakABone]

I would just say that while I laughed at a lot of your jokes.

Sometimes, it is also very important for the set up and transations to work well. And I don't see how some of those jokes flow together, but eh.

[GameMaster]

Did you hear about the thing that was gray with a trunk? My grandma said it was an elephant but I told her it was just a mouse on vacation!

[DarrenMcLeod]

I would just say that while I laughed at a lot of your jokes.

Sometimes, it is also very important for the set up and transations to work well. And I don't see how some of those jokes flow together, but eh.
I'm more of a one-liner comic, like Mitch Hedberg or Steven Wright.

[DeathsHand]

I got a letter from my first grade english teacher the other day...
"We got a cat. It is black. It likes to run fast and scratch the furniture."

...

[Typhoid]

I thought of this while I was falling asleep last night:


"So....I had this argument yesterday with my best friend...over perpetual motion.....it seemed like it went on forever."

[Canyarion]

I didn't find any of your jokes funny (enough), but perhaps that's because English isn't my native language. I guess it could make a difference. Or the humor in America just is different, I don't know.

[DarrenMcLeod]

Typh- great joke.
I didn't find any of your jokes funny (enough), but perhaps that's because English isn't my native language. I guess it could make a difference. Or the humor in America just is different, I don't know.
Well, the thing is - without laughter, and iwthout being in the room with a bunch of drunks... it never seems funny. that seems to be the consensus.

[Canyarion]

I guess this is an example of my humor (you have to know The Fellowship of the Ring though):
They come in cauldrons? (http://www.thefellowship.nl/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=162821)

We have this game where someone gives a photo and others have to come up with a nice talk to it.
:angel:

[Teuthida]

Jimmy Carr!

I was just watching Conan and his style reminded me of yours so much.

[DarrenMcLeod]

I'll have to look into him.

My style reminds me of Demetri Martin.