Deadly Alliance-Chapter 3

[BreakABone]

Well this is chapter 3 to the fanfic and it took me a whole lot less time than it did to get chap 2 up.

Anyhow, some notes on this chapter. It mends my normal writing style with that of stream of concious which doesn't associate things logically. Stream of conciousness because is a free hand type of writing in which you just write whatever comes to mind even if it doesn't make sense. This section of the fanfic is distinguised by the italics and is also the dream sequences. Finally, some plot points are being revealed and well Mario and Luigi are being made a bit more human.. Anyhow...

-Note-The fanfic is too long to post along with this note so um I'll just post the whole thing in the post after this.

[BreakABone]

The morning came quickly. The sun was just rising against the dark sky as Mario was getting up. He looked at the clock and saw it was a little earlier than he was accustomed to getting up. Mario decided not to wake his brother yet and just tip toe quietly out of the room. As he tip toed, he entered the kitchen and saw it was just the way he had left it the night before and decided not to disturb it either. So he headed towards the door. He slowly opened it so that he wouldn't cause too much noise.

He closed the door ever so lightly behind him. Mario walked slowly to the side of the house looking at the scene behind him as he went up the ladder. As his view of the ground became distant, he reached the top of the ladder and just found a nice little spot to rest on the roof. Then, Mario stared up into the sky and at the stars. His thoughts began to drift off into space. In his mind, night became day, day became night, all that he knew mixed together.

Mario and Luigi were fixing a pipe in Mrs. Braxton's bathroom when a mysterious force sucked them down the drain and they began rolling and falling down a dark corridor, when they finished the frightening ride, the brothers found themselves in a world of walking mushrooms and flying turtles... they were on an adventure to save its princess, although they had no idea how they got roped into doing it in the first place... Mario and Luigi had been through seven castles already and saved the Mushroom people, but they were always told the princess was in another castle. Finally they arrived at the final castle, where they met the menacing King Bowser Koopa face to face... this wasn't the first time Mario saw him but all the others he faced before were fakes... as Luigi watched on, Mario leaped over Bowser's head and managed to reach the other side, removed the bridge and sent his foe into a boiling pool of lava. The brothers had saved the real princess and peace was back at last... peace was back at last... at last...

Mario turned a little on the roof. His sleep was uneasy, but he didn't feel like getting up.

Now he was face to face with a giant swirling staircase... He slowly ascended the stairs... he reached the top... there was a door... should he go in? should he wait here? the decision... he opened the door... he felt no ground beneath his feet.. he started to fall... he was falling.. he landed upon a small strip of land.. he slowly went down and saw some bizarre enemies.. he tried to jump on their head... the jump wasn't as effective as it was on his last adventure... he found that he could pick up the enemies this time... he also found that there were items placed in the ground... like vegetables... he could use them as weapons... his only chance of survival was to find a way out... he fought through hordes of enemies... including an egg shooting dino look-a-like... a giant mouse who tossed bombs... and a giant fire face that split into pieces when hit... he finally came across a giant toad .. this creature was huge and lazy... he didn't move so it was just about timing... he defeated him... he set the kingdom of Sub-con free... he woke up... it was all a dream... all a dream.. what a weird dream....

He was back in the Mushroom Kingdom... Peach asked him to help... the Koopa Kids were at it... they had stolen the powers of the rulers... He entered the first ship... he battled and won... he got the magic wand... he ascended from the ship... the King was back... Peach sent him a letter as thanks... he did it over and over again... transforming into all sorts of creatures on his journey... he was a frog... no, no he was a hammer brother... this time he was a raccoon... now he could fly... he came upon the seventh Koopa Kid... he defeated him... no letter from Peach... what was wrong... why no letter... it was Bowser... he kidnapped the Princess again... would he ever learn? it was dark... it was scary... but he was determined... he was going rescue Princess again... He was almost there... this was a remodeled castle... it was scary... but he had no fears now... he made it through the castle... he came face to face with the mighty King Koopa... he was invisible... he couldn't hurt him with normal attack... he had to trick him... the mighty King leaped... he moved... the mighty King leaped again... he moved... again... one more time and he was defeated... all was safe... he had done it again... all was safe... he had done it again...

Mario barely moved before he was fast asleep again.

It was time for a vacation... after defeating Bowser... Mario and Peach decided to visit Dinosaur Island... no, not again... Bowser was back... with his 7 kids... he had to save the Princess again... it would be an adventure of epic proportions... he faced new enemies... in this weird dinosaur land, but that wasn't his biggest surprise... he came upon an egg... this egg hatched... there was a green dinosaur in it... this egg's name was Yoshi... his friends had been kidnapped by the Koopa Kids... he needed help in getting them back... and a hero has to do what a hero has to do... he began his search for Princess... he was joined by Yoshi... he decided to help him... he went through it all... from the bizarre Vanilla Dome to the mind boggling Forest of Illusion... he had retrieved the eggs... now it was time for the big prize... he reached the castle... Yoshi feared castles... Mario had to go it alone... he worked his way through the puzzles... at last he met with his nemesis again... it wasn't fair... Bowser had a new invention... it was a ClownCopter... he couldn't fight it... Bowser made a fatal mistake... he tossed enemies to attack Mario... but Mario used it against the evil reptile... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6 ... 6 times he hit him... finally he had saved the Princess again... it was a bizarre journey... it was an adventure of a lifetime... adventure... of... adventure... of... a lifetime...

He was invited for cake... cake was good... there was peace in the kingdom... he arrived... he entered the castle... something was wrong... he had a voice... it was HIM... the evil reptile was back... but how... not again... the evil reptile gave a sinister laugh... one that could frighten the dead...

Mario woke up in a cold sweat. The expression on his face showed that the dreams had really disturbed him. His expressions then turned to that of dumbfoundedness. Why was he having these dreams, why was he reliving his old adventures, and why did the image of Bowser haunting him wake him up? He had no time to answer all these questions.

Mario looked up at the sky, and realized he had slept a bit longer than expected. He retrieved his favorite red hat, which laid beside where he slept. Slowly, he rose to his feet. He moved towards the top of the ladder and slowly descended it.

Mario got off the ladder and made his way back to the house. When he entered, he saw that Luigi was already up and in the kitchen cooking breakfast.

"Where were you?" questioned Luigi.

"I was out on the roof. I had a lot to think about," replied Mario.

"About what?" questioned the busy brother.

"Well what will happen if we are unable to convince these people to avoid war. I mean the whole Mushroom Kingdom will be thrown into a huge civil war. I mean we can save the kingdom from the threats of Bowser, his kids, Wario and Waluigi, but I don't know about saving the whole kingdom from itself."

Luigi took in everything his brother said, but thought it might be best not to respond. He knew that his brother was very concerned with this issue, and it was eating him up inside, since he couldn't control it. So Luigi went on cooking the breakfast while watching his brother sit at the table in a session of heavy thought. He finished up the breakfast, made a plate for his brother and himself then sat down to eat. Not a word was spoken during their meal.


Then Mario spoke again, "That wasn't all."

"You mean there is more?"

"Well I also had dreams... more like nightmares," Mario replied.

"Of what?" questioned Luigi.

"Of all our past adventures. I dreamt of the time that we first entered the Mushroom Kingdom. The time we battled Wart in Sub-con. Our second adventure in the Mushroom Kingdom, the first meeting between the Koopa Kids and us, and the adventure on Dinosaur Island. The first time we met Yoshi. Then I began to dream about the time Bowser took over the castle, but my dream ended abruptly when I entered the castle, and Bowser tried to frighten me off."

Luigi took all that his brother said, into his mind once again. He couldn't think of anything to say to his brother. He had never seen Mario like this before. Mario was always the braver of the two. He would leap into action without thinking of the repercussions, but for once Luigi believed that his brother was actually worried. Not just because of the dreams, but Mario believed he had no powers to stop this civil war from happening. Then he thought of something to say to his brother, and he hoped it would work. It had to work, for the sake of the Mushroom Kingdom.

"You can't do it!" shouted Luigi.

"What?" replied the startled Mario.

"You heard me. You can't stop this war from breaking out. But WE can!" exclaimed the excited plumber.

Mario seat there soaking in the words his brother spoke. He replayed the words in his head over and over again. The words begun to take on an almost song like feel in his hand. They gave him new found strenght.

Luigi watched as his brother's expressions changed from that of concern and desperation to that of almost a strong pride.

With that, Mario rose with newfound confidence. Luigi could tell from the look in his brother's eyes that the speech had done the trick. Now if only he believed it as much himself. He knew it was going to be a long day. Possibly the longest day they ever lived.

[fingersman]

Not bad not bad...........it has me interested...........oh course there was that....he dreamt he was falling, he was falling....that sounded a little to repeative to me. i found some other things I think could be improved but I'm tired and sleepy.

BTW hurry up with chp 4 will you?? damn you and Xantar must be the laziest writers in the whole world. :p

[Revival]

BAB, how many chapters in your story? I might cut you a deal like I did with Xantar, I'm reading his fanfic after he completes Chapter 6 -- halfway.

[Xantar]

Sheesh. Between updating Perfect Dark, writing an interprative essay and college in general, I sometimes wonder how I find the time to write my current fanfic.

But that's another topic. I'm here to talk about BreakABone's fanfic.

BreakABone, your writing has improved dramatically. Generally, there's nothing wrong with the way you construct sentences now. Your flow is not perfect, but over time, I think you will be able to figure things out for yourself. At times like this, it's best for me to just get out of the way and let you discover your own way. Time to talk a little about character development (I can't talk about plot since I still don't know what it is). About the only piece of advice I can offer now is the fuzziest and hardest to implement. It's the part of writing that will take the rest of life for most of us.

I call it "writing observation." There's probably a technical term for it, but I don't know what it is. At any rate, the key to writing observation is, you guessed it, observation. What you have to do is watch people and things, taking note of the impression you get from them and then thinking hard about what it is that's giving you that impression. The small details are best.

I think that if I show you a few examples, you'll get the idea.

Peach sat down in her chair without looking at Mario, smoothed her skirt and pulled her gloves tighter on her hands. Then she brushed a few stray locks of hair from her face and adjusted the crown on her head. Finally, she took a deep breath and began to speak.

Most people, upon reading this, will immediately think, "Aha. Peach is nervous." And yet, the quoted passage doesn't ever use the word "nervous" or any of its synonyms. Let's look at the same passage written a little differently.

Peach smoothly sat down in her chair and smiled at Mario as she crossed her legs and clasped her hands in front of her.

This is even more succinct than the first passage, but I think it succeeds just as well at getting its message across: Peach is confident and comfortable.

As human beings who have seen other humans sitting down on chairs before, we instinctively know that people who don't look at us and adjust minor things around them are probably nervous and distracted while other people who look directly at us and cross their legs without adjusting are confident. The thing is we don't really know it. We just get a general impression that we are able to give to other people without always being able to say exactly why we got that impression. Your job now is to pick up on the little gestures—slight nods, tapping feet, forming hands into fists—that characterize people in various emotional states. You can try just watching and remembering like I do or bring along a note pad and scribble down what people look like when excited, nervous or depressed.

This doesn't have to be applied simply to people. You can also use it to describe objects. Now, inanimate things don't have emotions. But the people observing them do. If Mario eats his breakfast and observes that it tastes bland although Luigi is an excellent cook, we know that Mario is distracted. If he feels the sun's rays soaking him in warmth, he's probably happy. But if those sunrays feel like an oppressive weight beating down on his shoulders, causing him to sweat, he's probably tired. It's harder to describe the mood of your narrator or the person through whose eyes you are seeing the world. In order to get the right effect, you have to basically wait for a genuine emotion to arise in yourself and then take a step back and look inward to see what's going on with you that makes you feel that way.

Why does this work? Why not just say "Peach was nervous" or "Mario was confused"? I'm not really sure what the answer is. All I can say is that portraying a the world through these little details produces a better response in readers than simply spelling it out for them. As human beings who have seen people sitting down, we know the subtle cues that indicate nervousness or confidence. Maybe describing those little details makes reading them feel a little more like actually being there, seeing all the signs for themselves and interpreting them in the brain to produce a general impression. Perhaps details can produce subtler effects than a general overarching adjective. I'm sure a psychologist would have some theories. All I know is that describing your characters through detail rather than simple adjectives makes them feel a little more...alive.

This trick isn't restricted to just single passages either. Character development works in part because you build consistent themes for different moods in your characters. Have Mario always remember to grab his hat and put it on wherever he goes, and then just one time, have him forget. Have the Mario brothers use certain mannerisms when they are alone together and use different ones in different company in order to establish that they have a close relationship. Your readers will pick up on it even if they aren't always aware of it.

That's about the best advice I can give you for character development.