KillerGremlin
01-02-2005, 09:45 PM
The United States of America is country numero uno. George Bush and friends collect those hard earned dollars you made working at McDonalds, and he spends them however he pleases. Taxes are a joke to help the government pay for silly things like the hover car of the future, Area 51, and the War On Terrorism. Of course, we tax payers all know that Bin Laden doesn’t live in anyone’s basement, and that any major terrorist organization would only attack a large skyscraper full of millions of lawyers, and who the hell really needs lawyers anyway? I mean, it’s not like every single person in America doesn’t have a lawyer already. You see, there are Billions of dollars going towards unnecessary things, like armor for our soldiers, and Bill Clinton’s private porn collection. We, as the number one country really need to consider the real Terrorist here: Wiping our own asses.
Humans have been wiping their own asses for just about ever. The caveman discovered the joy of putting his hand in his ass before he discovered the joy of fire. Humans were compelled to remove fecal-berries from the forest that brews between the two large mounds that comprise the ass cheeks. Even great geniuses like Einstein and Beethoven wiped their own asses. Between composing symphonies, Beethoven was putting his hand in his ass. However, during the early 1800’s, after a bunch of fa*got-colonists broke away from the fa*got-tea-drinking-motherland, and those fa*got colonists had their slightly less fa*goty children, someone decided that putting your hand in your ass is not the best way to go about cleaning fecal matter up. Along came a great man, Samuel Adams, who was drunk, and decided to use a leaf to wipe his ass instead of his hand. The trend continued, and famous faces of the time, Ben Franklin, Jesus the 5th, and Bob Dole all started using various objects to wipe their asses with. Some preferred wooden logs; others preferred softer more delicate tissues, like fabric.
Eventually, it became a standard to wipe the ass with a tissue called toilet paper. Toilet paper is really an amazing thing, it burns quickly, it smells good, and you can leave ejaculatory fluids in it. However, the main purpose of toilet paper has always been to wipe the ass. Toilet paper has been in use for a while: famous people like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ron Howard and even not-so-famous people like Matt Damon wipe their asses with Toilet paper. It’s pretty amazing.
However, we, the United States, have, or at least should have, higher standards then all the other crappy countries out there. You see, the real terrorists of America are our assholes, and their dirtiness. It’s amazing how dirty something that relieves our bowls can become, and it’s appalling that that isn’t the number one terrorist on our list of terrorists. Instead of spending billions of tax-payer dollars on silly things like tsunami relief funds, and wars on terror, let us put our money together, and get 3 bedays installed in every bathroom of America! Now instead of wiping our ass, we will have a computerized toilet squirt water at our anus-hole to remove all the disgusting things that get stuck in there! Because, let’s face it, having to wipe your own ass is for monkeys and third world countries, and we are superior to both.
And I quotith the Bible:
John 19: 6-12
And John said to thee, Luke, thou shalst not wipeth thy own ass. For that is for the peasants. And Luke said to John, may the lord almighty bless the peasants soul.
Humans have been wiping their own asses for just about ever. The caveman discovered the joy of putting his hand in his ass before he discovered the joy of fire. Humans were compelled to remove fecal-berries from the forest that brews between the two large mounds that comprise the ass cheeks. Even great geniuses like Einstein and Beethoven wiped their own asses. Between composing symphonies, Beethoven was putting his hand in his ass. However, during the early 1800’s, after a bunch of fa*got-colonists broke away from the fa*got-tea-drinking-motherland, and those fa*got colonists had their slightly less fa*goty children, someone decided that putting your hand in your ass is not the best way to go about cleaning fecal matter up. Along came a great man, Samuel Adams, who was drunk, and decided to use a leaf to wipe his ass instead of his hand. The trend continued, and famous faces of the time, Ben Franklin, Jesus the 5th, and Bob Dole all started using various objects to wipe their asses with. Some preferred wooden logs; others preferred softer more delicate tissues, like fabric.
Eventually, it became a standard to wipe the ass with a tissue called toilet paper. Toilet paper is really an amazing thing, it burns quickly, it smells good, and you can leave ejaculatory fluids in it. However, the main purpose of toilet paper has always been to wipe the ass. Toilet paper has been in use for a while: famous people like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ron Howard and even not-so-famous people like Matt Damon wipe their asses with Toilet paper. It’s pretty amazing.
However, we, the United States, have, or at least should have, higher standards then all the other crappy countries out there. You see, the real terrorists of America are our assholes, and their dirtiness. It’s amazing how dirty something that relieves our bowls can become, and it’s appalling that that isn’t the number one terrorist on our list of terrorists. Instead of spending billions of tax-payer dollars on silly things like tsunami relief funds, and wars on terror, let us put our money together, and get 3 bedays installed in every bathroom of America! Now instead of wiping our ass, we will have a computerized toilet squirt water at our anus-hole to remove all the disgusting things that get stuck in there! Because, let’s face it, having to wipe your own ass is for monkeys and third world countries, and we are superior to both.
And I quotith the Bible:
John 19: 6-12
And John said to thee, Luke, thou shalst not wipeth thy own ass. For that is for the peasants. And Luke said to John, may the lord almighty bless the peasants soul.